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My depression is consuming me and I'm not getting better or seeing the light.

I think I might kill myself. I don't want to live anymore. I've been trying for years and this last year I've tried the hardest I've ever tried.

I quit my job and got a better less stressful job.
I went to therapy but it was unsuccessful. I followed the advice exactly.
I tried medication for depression.
I tried seeing a family doctor.
A psychiatrist.
A psychologist.
I've tried calling the suicide hotline... many many times... So many times. Lol.
I tried taking about it with others.

I've recently been accused of feeling sorry for myself and wading in self pity. So talking about it got me no where.

So I don't see anymore solutions. I have exhausted them. I'm tired. I want to rest my soul. Please help me.

No, just because you are battling with clinical depression doesn't mean that your life is over. Was there a life changing event that made you depressed? Sometimes there are situations that happen to us which cause depression.

A good website is: 7cupsoftea.com - they have lots of people you can talk to and other resources like self-help guides and guided meditation.

You can always send me a private message if you like but I would love to cry with you.

Tried which one, living?
I'm not sure how best to encourage you to stay here and keep trying.
Even not knowing how much you are in to reading things, I will suggest going here and reading from people who have had similar difficulties, https://themighty.com/

Thanks both of you for replying. I just want to feel happy again. But even when things are going well I feel sad. The littlest things set me off into a crying fit. I will try the resources you have offered.

Im sorry your feeling this way. Hope you get better. Dont give up. Maybe in time you'll find the right path. Maybe things will get better. Good luck.

I appreciate that you will check them out.
While I can not 'know exactly how you feel', to quote a famous (infamously inaccurate?) saying, there are things in my life which have led to similar feelings which are almost constant.
I've decided, so far, that as long as I'm here I have a chance of what I'll call winning.
It's not me, it's the depression screwing with my perception of life.
The discouragement, despair, hopelessness, thoughts of "What's the point? Really, what's the blankety-blankety point? Why do I even bother existing?" are pushed on my by the depression - the me that's the true me is still in there somewhere. And the longer I stay here and try things the better chance it has of escaping the oppression from the depression.

I don't know if it would work for anyone other than myself, but I find parts of the lyrics to RUSH's song Marathon offer some encouragement,

I'm going to go the distance - when I die from natural causes when I'm very old and grey I'm going to get in depression's face, flip it an obscene gesture and proclaim "I beat ya, ya sadistic mofo!"

You have no idea how important your life is and how many lives you touch and you don't even know it.

For example, There was a guy who is also on the spectrum who also struggles with depression. However, when I met him he was the first aspie who I had met to go to college and achieve a degree in mechanical engineering along with having lots of good advice and interests that I now enjoy. If I had not met him, I would not be where I am today in a lot of ways.

Even if you are sad, you still impact people and even in a positive light.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UdksnBxfBT0

I think this may help you

That is a good point.
And there is potential that in living through your struggle you can offer understanding and encouragement to others who struggle.
And that is the best way (as I see it) to help people - that connection of one person who understands to one person in the experience.
Who hopefully can go on to help another person.
Who can go on to help another person.
It is a chain. Sometimes rusty, sometimes weaker, sometimes stronger, sometimes a chain without an anchor, sometimes the chain that is the anchor.

I have lived it, been a psych inpatient 3 times since the 1980s, total probably about 9 or 10 months. Been in jail twice, one time concurrently with being a psych inpatient.

Sometimes the only way to go on is by solely the brute force of the will to go on.
It isn't pretty. It isn't finesse. Perhaps it is just stubbornness.
But dammit, I'm not letting depression beat me, my ego doesn't like that idea.

Thank you so much for sharing the video. It meant a lot to me. I've calmed down now. I no longer wish to kill myself for the moment. I think all the doctors visits and the recent diagnosis stirred up a lot of things from my past and I admit I was hoping that I would suddenly have it all figured out now that I know what's wrong but I don't have it figured out and it hit me with a ton of bricks. I was struggling with depression before my diagnosis and it seems the recent news has exasperated it. Things will get better though. Things will come around for me.

I need to start taking care of myself again and start going back to therapy on a regular basis. I've been putting it off because my therapists don't really seem to get me. Perhaps this news will help guide my more... understanding... therapist even if she isn't experienced with Autism or sensory processing disorder.

I also had a Psychology appointment that was supposed to be a really big deal only for the Psychologist to ask us a couple of questions and then tell us he has to wait for approval from the insurance to really do what we came there for and we'll have to wait two months to see him and actually get evaluated.

Thank you for being there for me and reminding me why I matter. You're a very brave person surviving such hardships and I hope you always stay determined. I'll remember the song you shared and keep it in my heart. ^_^

I don't feel like hurting myself anymore.

I just needed some time to get through the feelings of being overwhelmed. I was forced to sit in a loud place with bright lights and take a test that I could have lost my job over if I failed AND it was timed and there just been so many things on my mind and with the diagnosis and the doctor's visits and I was afraid to ask to be moved to another room because I didn't want to have to explain my recent diagnosis or look different. I had always had a hard time with tests and studying and the noise made it so hard to focus on what I was reading. The Lights usually don't bother me. Typically I'm fine with lights. I think it was because they just changed out all the bulbs so they were brighter than the old ones. But they were blinding me and they reflected off the computer screens. Luckily I passed it but I guess it ultimately led to my mental break down today...

Hey there!
Okay, that makes sense.
Turned out we were typing at the same time When I clicked submit his thing told me another post had been made while I was putting this one together.

Here's something to keep the mind busy for a while - how might you help the therapist have more understanding of we with ASD so that she can better help you, and also be equipped to help more people through the years, and share her bits of understanding with other therapists?

If it were me, stress from the insurance question would be adding to it.

Ahh, yes, that hope to be better Right Now! As in, "I've had enough of the pain and distress, thank you; immediately is still too long a wait for it to heal and go away!"
That's where enduring the long run in the Rush lyrics comes to mind. Healing from depression is an uphill climb; sometimes a person only has to make that climb once, for me it has been more than once and will probably need to be made again at some point.

Had I not stuck around to make that climb I would not be here to see you succeeding today at living through this.
And your success at that is uplifting, encouraging, a thing which brings a smile today.
Now about we agree to succeed at living through tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next ... And the ... And ...