complete lost right now

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Good morning everyone,

I am a father of a young boy (7), on the spectrum. His name is Archer. I am trying to figure where to go with my son in providing him the support he needs. He is a very smart and sweet guy. His communicates well, but comprehension is not there. His behaviors greatly interfere with his education and social interactions. Currently he is entering the 2nd grade (next week!), and aside from ABA therapy (2 hours 3x a week), I am trying to help him move forward and assist him in his behaviors. typically at school, he doesn't learn much. His meltdowns and social behaviors prevent him from completing even the smallest tasks. Most times when he is instructed to do anything he will be defiant, and when he does comply it will be with a lot of anger. Most interactions have to be on his terms, so for a teacher to make a request of him, will incite a meltdown, anger, and name calling towards whomever initiated the interaction. This is getting worse, and it seems there is nothing we can do. I am at the end of rope here. I can not find any method to instruct him on helping with his reading, math, or anything. I do not know what to do anymore, if there is anything else out there. I don't want him to hurt, but the only way to avoid that would be to quite literally not interact wit him at all. I can do most interactions just fine with him, so can his brother and sister. however, I cannot instruct him much. ABA therapy is literally watching him scream at therapist for 2 hours and then she leaves with him hardly completing an of the tasks asked of him. Feel like I'm going to lose my mind at times. I try really hard not to get upset with him or angry, but its hard when he constantly screaming at someone in the house for hours and hours every single day form the moment he wakes up to the time he goes to bed. This is taking a toll on him, and the entire family. Just curious if anyone has these same experiences, because honestly its quite isolating.

First of all, look at this equation for a moment:

1+2+3+4+... = -1/12

That is, the sum of all positive integers is minus one twelfth. It's not infinite, it's not positive, and it's not even an integer. Worst of all, it's not even a joke. Google for "1+2+3+4+..." and you will see.

Raising autistic children is a bit like that: your intuition is your worst enemy.

What you see as problems, like your son's meltdown behaviors and social interactions, to me, it's nothing but a child being a child. That's not where the problem lies. There is nothing to do there, that's not where you need to spend your energy on, at least not before your son acquires more skills.

Instead of paying attention to all that, pay attention to eyes and hands. Your son's eyes and hands, and your own eyes and hands. You need to develop your son in the visual-manual direction first.

By "communicates well" I assume your son is verbal, but could you describe a bit more how verbal he is? Also, can your son read? How is his reading?

On the visual part, you need to draw pictures for your son. The two main devices I used were: (1) a magnetic drawing board, and (2) 4x6 blank index cards. I also carry a smartphone with stylus, so I can pull out my phone at anytime and draw pictures for my children. Start from there. Make into a habit of talking to your son at bedtime, by drawing pictures for him. If you can give him a bath before bedtime, even better. Bedtime is the most relaxing moment. Sometimes you can read stories, sometimes you draw pictures and talk to your son. Write down words whenever you draw pictures, too. Use speech bubbles.

That's the starting point. Frankly, you should have started to do that when your son was 1 year old. What your son is showing today is what I would describe as the "ABA syndrome" or "The Revenge of the Baby-Sat", to borrow a title from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes. For 7 years nobody bothered to develop him visual-manually, nobody bothered to talk to him in his language. All he got everyone was behavioral correction, admonishment. That'll drive anyone crazy.

I am not sure a public school is the best idea. Today's teachers, even in special ed class, don't do much picture drawing, either. So school is actually a place that causes harm, on a daily basis. But if you don't have a choice, so be it. See, the thing is, when your son has a bad time in school, there is no visual record, no drawing of the moment kept. So, it makes it hard to even talk to your son about it at home. It takes a lifetime to explain to teachers that they need to draw pictures. Without pictures, it's virtually hopeless to solve any tantrum issues.

Everyone around my children draw pictures. From we the parents, to the ABA therapists, to babysitters, to school teachers. So it's certainly doable. But there is a difference between you and I: people listen to me, because my words carry more weight. But it doesn't hurt for you to try to convince other people.

Track down my past postings in this forum. Use a computer, not a phone or tablet.

It's a bit of a long journey, so please be patient. So far I've told you only about the visual part. There is also the manual part. Oh, take him to elevator rides, if your son likes elevators.

My children are going into 2nd and 4th grade when school starts. They are fully verbal. But I still draw pictures for them once in a while. The other day we took a train trip. On the train I drew them this picture and told them about the story of the scorpion and the frog. They loved the story. This was how I talked to my children since they were 1~2 years old. I never struggled raising my children. I've had fun drawing pictures and making animation video clips for my children. My children are always happy. Big smiles, everyday. Pictures are the starting point. We can talk about how to solve tantrum issues later. To me, tantrums are perhaps the most trivial issue in autism. But you have to learn to walk before you can learn to run. Pictures first: everyday, every night.

My son is very verbal, which is great. No he cannot read. We practice reading everyday. As for the behaviors, they are self harming which is unfortunate, and they're a work in progress, as much as anything else can be.

How is he during the summer (assuming he does not get extended school year) versus how he is when school is in session. School can introduce stressors on many different fronts, and if they are not making an earnest, informed effort to mitigate them, this will increase behavioral issues for a lot of kids.

If he does the same thing when he has no school, it may be he needs more accommodations at home, too. Sometimes there are stressors you can figure out even if the child cannot -- by observing patterns. Look to see when he is most calm and when he melts down and look for patterns.

I recommend Dr Green's book, Explosive Child for you as well (he has a website you can check out first with a lot of free resources) It is beneficial for parents of kids who do not respond to traditional incentives/disincentives. ABA is very much centered on traditional reward systems and this does not work for all kids. If a kid is unable to do something or to comply with a directive, it does not matter if he is offered little treats to do them.

Clearly something in the situation isn't working. My son did well in public school, but we had a pretty exceptional team, when I think about it.

I would suggest:
1. Start by reading, reading, and reading some more. When you encounter pieces that make sense for your child, you will know. There is an extensive reading list at the top of this board, and that will be a good place to start.
2. Try to record the circumstances leading up to meltdowns. Meltdowns happen when a child is stressed, but often the most important stress factors occurred hours before the actual meltdown. Observe your child and see if you can find a pattern and visual clues so you know how and when stress builds up in him.
3. Remember this is a long game, and feel free to remove your son from situations that consistently fail to work for him.

I'm not going to go much further, right now. Take one step at a time.

The problem is, every ASD child is unique and I couldn't write up a list of solutions even if I wanted to. But when you allow yourself to step back and truly just observe, you will also start to get a better sense of what needs to be done, and what questions you most need to ask.

I remember well the stress, the worry, the wondering if anything will help or if progress is possible. For my son, everything I invested in him eventually paid off. Once I freed myself of conventional thinking and started to use him as my guide, I also started finding the paths that needed to be taken. It was never easy, and there were steps backwards. But we found our way through it. I also remember the year I finally KNEW it was all going to be OK. I could not be more proud of the young man my son is today.

You could discuss extremely low dose Clonazepam with your son's doctor or paediatrician. We tried it with one of my grandsons who could only handle stress overload by having frequent meltdowns, and it worked for that as well as improving his ability to go to sleep (which had been a long standing problem). However, the research thus far emphasizes that only very low doses seem to work - about .25mg - this is below the usual clinical dose for this drug and is not associated with the adverse impacts it can have in much higher doses. On the basis of our experience, you would know within a week if the trial was working or not.

https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2 ... 124806.htm

PS There have been a few other studies before the Clonazepam studies that looked at innate levels of the calming neurotransmitter GABA in ASD brains. For some ASD children and adults, there seems to be an innate deficiency. Some researchers think this is related to the higher incidence of anxiety many experience.

Clonazepam increases GABA in the brain in both AS and neurotypical populations, however it appears that the correct doses for each population are markedly different.

PS We also have an Archer in the family

Does your son have any particular "special interests?"

Perhaps you could tailor your interactions around those "interests."

Almost like inserting medication into chocolate milk, with his "interests" being the chocolate milk.

I will add one thing to what I wrote above: ASD children are often stressed by things we are unaware of, or can't imagine as being factors. My son was afraid of public toilets for several years, for example. When you are looking for triggers and factors, notice EVERYTHING, even the color on the walls or the amount of clutter.

That's a really good point. Hairdressers/haircuts stressed me out in particular, and what others thought was a "natural" thing to do was extremely distressing to me.

Have you done any reading on oppositional defiance disorder? This may be what your son has since you just said he was on the spectrum and not a specific diagnosis, so pardon me if ODD is old news to you, but it sounds like your son. You mentioned his stims are self injurious, does he have sensory toys or anything of that nature? Maybe try working with a psychologist on some anti anxiety techniques? For reading comprehension try having him tell you a story instead of him reading one. Also bear in mind that not all autistic people are visual thinkers and learners auditory and pattern learning are very common too depending on where the person is on the spectrum/ their skills, abilities, and interests. I hate to hear that your little guy is so stressed:( . Good luck!

I second that - stay away from the ODD theory. It would severely impact on your son and the way teachers would act towards him.

I know there is a difference between behaviors for boy and girl autists but I found that a major cause of the meltdowns was an environmental dysphoria where my daughters were uncomfortable with the traditional school setting and dealing with the personalities of teachers, so I stuck them in Online schooling via connections academy thats free in my state. My eldest especially took to it considering her hyperlexic behavior where she wants to read every document she comes across, and my youngest likes the fact they only spend 5 hours versus 8 hours so she has time to play. Another thing that I found helps is giving them a creative hobby, like gardening or art, because giving them projects to work seems to center them mentally, and just recently a few months ago, I had some leftover PVC pipe, buckets and a pump, they built a hydroponic garden in the backyard growing strawberries.

I had a look at the Facebook page you named after your son, its fundraising for OAR and your participation in parent groups under the wing of Autism Speaks, and I wonder if you could tell me, were they not able to provide any useful support or advice? Obviously you have been very active in the parent area and yet despite those involvements you still find yourself "completely lost right now", so it would be interesting to hear about this and your experiences in seeking help from those quarters.