Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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Thanks again for the big dragon hugs. When I was younger, I used to got a lot more excited about my birthdays; they were always a lot of fun, but they are not really exciting any more, now that I am older. Back when I was in my twenties, I also felt like I should have been making more progress than I was making; I always thought that I would have a good job with a lot more money, but instead, I was still living with my parents & going to school that I did not enjoy or gain anything from. I did not have any joy from my life either, and I saw no purpose of living. Maybe I was just comparing myself to the rest of society, any not realising that every one develops differently. Even now, I still feel like I am not very ambitious, so I know how you feel.



I have never gone to the hospital for depression, so I can not give you any advice about it. Privacy is extremely important to me too, and I would hate for you to have a roommate at the hospital if you have to go there. I understand that it is for your safety, but it would make me miserable too. Back when I was in my twenties, I lived with my Dad & his current wife, and I was extremely depressed & angry because I had no privacy at all with them in their house; his wife is very nosy & intrusive, and I could not deal with her constant demands. I did not even have a door on my bedroom, and I absolutely hated living there; my mental health severely declined. I was a lot happier when I finally moved out, but my depression did not get any better. I have never lived with a roommate before, and hopefully, I can still live alone & I will never have a roommate.



I hope you have success at a library either as a volunteer or as a library aide. It has been a good job for me, and I hope it can work for you. A job as a library aide does not really require any special kind of education or degree; you just need to have good organisational skills, good attention to detail, and not be really loud. I got my job as a library aide after volunteering for two years at the library, and the library staff thought I would do well as a paid employee, and I have had the same job for the last 9 years. It could work out well for you too.



I hope you will still be okay. 300 big dragon hugs back to you.

I'm finally back home after staying at the hospital for a little over a week. I don't really feel like talking about it right now, but just wanted to say I'm back.

Welcome back dragon, it's good to see you.

Time to celebrate!

Glad you are back

Me too, same as above.
Raleigh is back too.
It is gonna be a goodun today.

Welcome back, Ms Dragon

Reviving this thread so I'm not cluttering up or bringing down anywhere else with this stuff...

I'm still feeling really guilty about continuing to live (but not quite enough so to do anything about it - I'd feel guilty about that, too). Aside from the emotional attachment some people have to me, everyone else would absolutely be better off without me, since I have absolutely nothing to contribute - I'm just a parasite, leeching off others to survive without giving anything in return. I don't want to keep living like this. I'm doing a partial hospitalization program which involves going there from 9AM to 3PM for group therapy stuff - my next step will be going to an intensive outpatient program, which is the same thing, only you finish at noon and they can't change your medications like they can with PHP. I can't wait to move to that so I can at least start looking for part-time work again.

I wish I could get to know you in person, so I can dissuade you from that line of thought.

As a scientist, if you do the dialectic approach, it won’t add up to “parasite.”

It will add up to somebody who needs support temporarily, but will eventually come out of the doldrums.

I wish I had some sort of proof that it's only temporary, but even before my mental health issues got so bad, I still wasn't able to find a job I could possibly support myself on - the pay for the job I had wouldn't even have covered rent for the cheapest apartment I could find in the area. I know that doesn't necessarily mean I never will, but I have a hard time convincing myself that it's at all likely that I'll be able to support myself anytime soon.

It will definitely be true if let it color your future.

I wish you had more hugs in your life.

Hello again. I have been thinking of you & waiting to write to you again, but I saw your post which said that you did not want to talk about how you are doing; I was trying to be considerate of your feelings, which is the reason why I did not write back to you.



I am still sad to read that you are feeling guilty about your life, and I wish there was some way I could make you feel happier. I hope that the programmes at the hospital are helpful for you; I have never done anything like it before, so I can not tell you what they are like.



How was your birthday? How is Merlin doing?



I am still here for you, so feel free to write to me whenever you need help.



300 big dragon hugs.

That's fine - I really appreciate the fact that everyone respected it when I said I didn't want to talk about my hospital stay. I actually got to go home on my birthday, which was a nice birthday present, even if I would rather have been home for my entire birthday (and I ended up having to wait an hour or so more than I should have to leave because of a lack of communication - which actually fits pretty well with the rest of my stay ). We celebrated my birthday a few days later by going out for dinner and dessert.

I think the groups have been helping a bit. I'm also being switched over to another medication - I don't remember what it's called. I was told it can also help with social anxiety, which would be a huge benefit as well. It's kind of strange, it seems to be making me appear more cheerful and be more talkative, but I don't actually feel any less depressed. I don't know what's up with the huge disparity between my demeanor and what I'm actually feeling.

Merlin's doing well. I don't remember if I mentioned here or not that we got a cat a few days before I went to the hospital. He's mostly orange with some white, and he's very playful and energetic. We named him Arthur, to go with Merlin. Merlin is very excited to finally have a cat who actually wants to play with him.

Doesn’t seeing Merlin and Arthur play give you incentive to push on in life?

Unfortunately, no. They'd still get to play even if I wasn't around, just like they did while I was in the hospital. I wish finding something to live for was as easy as that, but unfortunately, it's really hard to convince the depressed part of my brain right now I still would feel too guilty to actually kill myself, though, for the pain it would cause those who care about me (even if that pain is only temporary). I just continue hoping to die from natural causes - or at least, something that wasn't my own deliberate action

I've been in a "too weird to live, too rare to die" kind of place myself lately. I think curiosity is key, it helps me brace myself for further nonsense while simultaneously staying in touch with current events & sooner or later there's a good laugh or nine thanks to the total absurdity of the world we inhabit.

I meant....just watching them play.

I know I’m a man of relatively few words.....but I would say if people tell you you’re not a burden, you should believe them.