Feeling hopeless (trigger warning - suicide)

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kraftiekortie
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11 Nov 2017, 4:20 pm

It's unfortunate that psychiatrists have veered far away from their intended purpose.

dragonsanddemons
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16 Nov 2017, 3:14 pm

I was weak today. I stuck a pin in my veins several times so I'd bleed. It doesn't even hurt very much, and it's just so pleasing to me to watch the blood flow out.

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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
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AquaineBay
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16 Nov 2017, 4:48 pm

dragonsanddemons did something happen today that made you do that?

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dragonsanddemons
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16 Nov 2017, 6:06 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

dragonsanddemons did something happen today that made you do that?

No, this time was just because the urge was too strong. I can't think of anything that might have made it worse, nothing out of the ordinary happened today (besides that).

AquaineBay
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16 Nov 2017, 7:46 pm

Are you getting use to the new medication?

dragonsanddemons
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16 Nov 2017, 7:50 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

Are you getting use to the new medication?

I'm still adjusting. I forgot that that might be why my urge to self-harm is stronger recently.

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16 Nov 2017, 9:15 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

MarissaKay wrote:

I don't know if this will help, but have you heard about how some people freeze credit cards? That way, when it melts, the person has time to decide whether they're wanting to use it for an impulse purchase or if it's something they really want/need. That may help you out a little: you don't want the option taken away, but make it REALLY difficult for yourself to access anything dangerous so that you have time to "ground" yourself and look at all of the good things and reasons to stay.

I hope you feel better soon. You're cared about and appreciated here.

You're certainly not a burden.

I haven't heard of that. That's a good idea - I can try to find somewhere inconvenient to put the things I use for self-harm, so they're still there, but not right where I can grab them on impulse, so I have time to stop and think "Wait, do I really need to do this now?"

Did you take MarissaKay suggestion and put your 'tools' in a inconvenient spot? If you didn't I know it's going to be hard but it sounds like it would help.

dragonsanddemons
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16 Nov 2017, 9:19 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

Did you take MarissaKay suggestion and put your 'tools' in a inconvenient spot? If you didn't I know it's going to be hard but it sounds like it would help.

I probably should find a better spot, but I do at least have them in a drawer so they're not right out and extremely tempting. That's probably why I didn't give in sooner.

AquaineBay
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16 Nov 2017, 10:40 pm

Hey, great job! At least it's a start! Keep it up and you may not need it anymore! Stay strong young dragon, you will be able to fly soon enough.

dragonsanddemons
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16 Nov 2017, 11:23 pm

AquaineBay wrote:

Hey, great job! At least it's a start! Keep it up and you may not need it anymore! Stay strong young dragon, you will be able to fly soon enough.

Thank you, that's the plan.

300series
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17 Nov 2017, 10:20 am

I am sorry that your urge to hurt yourself has returned, but over time, it will not be as strong. I am still confident that your life will improve, and that you will be happy again. Have you heard about any new job offers?

dragonsanddemons
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17 Nov 2017, 1:42 pm

300series wrote:

I know, I just have to wait it out. Like my depression, it tends to come in cycles - it will be strong for a while, and then it will be almost or completely absent for a while, and then it will be strong again, and so on. Usually it takes a few months for these things to not be such a problem anymore, but this time it's lasted longer - almost a year now. I do have hope that if I can get a job I can support myself on, I'll feel a lot better about life and myself. Unfortunately, I've just had more of applying to places and not hearing anything back.

dragonsanddemons
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17 Nov 2017, 2:25 pm

Just saw a job listing for the position I applied for from the place that said they wanted to call me but never did I guess they didn't find someone more promising, after all.

300series
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17 Nov 2017, 6:02 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

Just saw a job listing for the position I applied for from the place that said they wanted to call me but never did

I guess they didn't find someone more promising, after all.

I am very sorry for what happened to you about that job; it is frustrating. Do you know of any place looking for volunteers? Sometimes volunteers can get hired as employees, which is how I got my job; I started out as a volunteer, and then I was hired 2 years later.

My depression is the same way; sometimes it will be really bad, then it gets better, and then gets really bad again. I understand what you are going thru.

More hugs.

dragonsanddemons
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17 Nov 2017, 6:54 pm

300series wrote:

dragonsanddemons wrote:

Just saw a job listing for the position I applied for from the place that said they wanted to call me but never did

I guess they didn't find someone more promising, after all.

My parents need to be nagged again and again to ever take me to volunteer anywhere - I had that problem when I needed volunteer hours for something (don't remember what now). That would work a lot better if I could get to places on my own, but I rely on my parents for transportation. I've volunteered at animal shelters, but the problem is that the stuff I can do there is the stuff the volunteers do. People who are paid to work there would be helping people looking for a pet, management, etc., things that would require more social interaction than I can handle.

RetroGamer87
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17 Nov 2017, 9:20 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:

I do have hope that if I can get a job I can support myself on, I'll feel a lot better about life and myself. Unfortunately, I've just had more of applying to places and not hearing anything back.

That's what I thought. But then I wanted a better job and a better job and a better job. I will never be satisfied.

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