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adrastea
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Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 39
Gender: Female
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18 Aug 2017, 8:38 pm

Hi Everyone!

I've really messed up my life. Because I was really clever as a child, I was pushed into going to University too young. I was 2-3 years younger than my classmates and couldn't cope with the social aspects or the work so I dropped out. That was 17 years ago, and I've never really got my life together. I've done loads of different jobs but can't stick at anything. I've abandoned everything from management jobs to a PhD and now can't even hold down a minimum wage job.

I have an opportunity to go back to University and do a research Masters degree. This was my childhood dream. But nobody seems to realise how traumatic it is for me to be faced with this opportunity, and how much I want to scream and run away because I don't believe I can do it.

This isn't just a lack of self-belief. I don't have any of the qualifications I need. They gave me a place because of my past work experience and enthusiasm, but it is sending me into a meltdown. I read through the key textbooks and papers and I really struggle.

It is at the same University I dropped out of 17 years ago, studying the same subject that I quit as a teenager, but at an even higher level. People keep telling me that the school must believe in me or they wouldn't have offered me a place. Worse still I'll have to take out huge loans to afford it. I don't have a single person in my life who can be bothered to talk to me sensibly, they either throw out some crap platitudes about positive thinking, or try to knock my confidence or discourage me. E.g., everyone already has a preconceived idea about whether "I can" or "I can't," and so their actual advice is next to useless.

What I really want is a good career, a decent income, some stability etc. But it seems like that's just a fantasy which will never happen for me.



kraftiekortie
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18 Aug 2017, 9:06 pm

Is this particular thing you were going to study something you really enjoy?



adrastea
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Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Age: 39
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Posts: 6

18 Aug 2017, 9:10 pm

I enjoy the idea of it, but that is very different.



kraftiekortie
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18 Aug 2017, 9:23 pm

I sense that you were burnt out at a young age, and that you might still feel the effects of that "burn out."

Would you be able to study this particular subject at a less-expensive university?

I went to an expensive college, got my degree, and now have to pay lots of student loans. Truthfully, I don't regret what I did.



shortfatbalduglyman
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18 Aug 2017, 9:31 pm

everyone has implicit biases. school staff will tell you "you can be whatever you wanna be when you grow up." college faculty act like college is for everyone. but college is just a business that sells classes. nothing more. nothing less.

once students have paid tuition, it does not matter to the college how the students do in class, or what kind of jobs, students get after graduation. or if they get jobs altogether.

nobody is psychic. they can't tell you that if you start the degree, you will graduate and get a job that requires the degree. and that follows that you should get the degree. they can't tell you that if you start the degree, you will flunk out or drop out. they can't tell you that you can't handle the schoolwork. they can't tell you that you will run out of $$ or have too much pressure/stress to proceed. they can't tell you that you will graduate and then compete with NT graduates for the same jobs. and that some employers just want applicants they feel "comfortable" around. (among other things). and the employers only feel "comfortable" around NT applicants. and that is not a violation of any law whatsoever. there is no law that says that anyone has to hire you.

encouragement could feel good. like the speaker believes in you. and maybe the speaker does. but some beliefs are false.

discouragement could feel bad. but it could be practical.

someone told me he got a Masters from uc riverside in math. he worked as a Software Engineer 17 years at Oracle. then his whole department got laid off. he had to stock shelves at Trader Joe's for one year. after that he worked at Sylvan Learning center. fifteen dollars an hour. precalculus tutor.

so.

there is no method of forseeing the future economic conditions. or your specific situation. there are a lot of variables at play. nobody knows enough about them to make the correct decision.

so you have to decide yourself.



kdm1984
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Joined: 31 May 2012
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Posts: 443
Location: SW MO, USA

22 Aug 2017, 3:19 pm

I really sympathize with you. We are of the same gender and similar age. I did very well academically, but ever since my first employed position in 2009, it's been a battle. I've had some jobs where I did very well for a time, but some social or autism-related conflict/issue always eventually came up, and then that job was history.

I've done voc rehab, counseling, you name it. Some of that was very helpful short-term, but times and situations change, and I couldn't always adapt to the next thing. I've disclosed, I haven't disclosed, and -- like you -- I've heard every platitude in the book from people whom I suppose meant well, but it never resolved the underlying problems autism can cause, including the major social errors, the meltdowns, the dyspraxia, the executive dysfunction...ugh.

I wish I could be of more help. But I've gotten to the point where I'm just going to be a stay-at-home wife, and possibly stay-at-home mother next year. Not sure if this can be an option for you. Hope you get the support you need in whatever you decide to do.