New here - ashamed of being autistic :(

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Hi,

I'm new here. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome just this week and after some frantic googling I found this forum. I thought it might be a good idea to register and meet new people? I'm still coming to terms with my diagnosis and it's hard. I feel quite isolated and lonely... I don't know any other autistic people and I feel left out a lot.

Anyway!

Other things to know about me -- I'm 27 and I'm doing a PhD in the humanities. I love my field and I want to continue with academia when I'm done (even though it can be a social minefield sometimes). I enjoy reading, music (Twenty One Pilots ) and riding horses.

That's pretty much it, so

Lea

PS: English isn't my first language so please excuse any grammar/spelling errors.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome

Having autism is NOTHING to be ashamed of.

That's pretty nifty that you're going for your doctorate. I've only been able to get my bachelor's.

Why would you be ashamed of that?

I would bet that at least some of you colleagues are in the "same boat" as you.

Welcome!

It's a lonely life. Even if you knew other autistic people, there's no guarantee you'd have anything in common with them, or even like them. You know you've got a problem when you're awkward and uncomfortable even around people just like you.

Though there's no shame in it (just frustration). Being neurologically handicapped doesn't make us less valuable as human beings. The most difficult thing about this [INVISIBLE] disability is - one the one hand, people will treat you like an oddball and discriminate against you for not being "like them," but OTOH, if you explain to them it's because you have a disability, they will insist that there's nothing wrong with you, that you seem perfectly normal, and any shortcomings you have are your own damn fault, because you just aren't trying hard enough.

It's a great wonder that we don't throttle people more frequently than we do. Lucky for them, our neurological dysfunction also makes us generally nonaggresive.

welcome, and hope you come to feel less ashamed -

Hello and welcome. Being autistic is a wonderful gift embrace it, also there might be autistic social groups where you reside it would be worth a try to find and try them out. Best wishes.

Hi everyone,

Wow, so many responses Thank you!

That's true and thank you for pointing that out. I know being autistic is nothing to be ashamed of but I don't feel it to be honest. There are some people in my research group that are neurodivergent but no one is autistic or at least not openly so. I define myself over how well I pass as neurotypical - stupid, I know - and when I flap my hands or don't understand the social context of something I feel so ashamed because I'm the only one.

And yeah, doing a PhD is a bucket load of work but also great fun I love being able to concentrate and work on one specific topic for such a long time. In which field did you do your BA in?

I've contacted local support groups but haven't heard back from them.

Again, thank you to everyone, I already feel better.

Hey Magpie, it is a lonely life... Enjoy it. Hungrychef your avy made me laugh

I am delighted to hear you are feeling a bit better. (Have you read the book "Neurotribes" by Steve Silberman? We have a few threads on it here, most easily found by googling "neurotribes Wrong Planet forums".)

Hey Lea,

Joined myself today as I started my formal diagnosis journey about a year ago, and received my diagnosis documents a week ago
Nothing to be ashamed of, on the contrary, the more you know your Asperger's specifics combined with knowing about Asperger's you'll realise how fortunate and special you are. I started by being confused , really like "lost in space", angry, afraid to tell anything to anyone, until one day I realised that I'm not the only one, not the first one, and certainly not the last one, and that we share certain traits and common patterns of dealing with these. Reading blogs of amazing neurodivergents bridged the gap between the confused me, and growing in confidence me
One interesting thing you'll notice, i.e. the growing understanding of the common areas and differences between male and female Asperger's. It's not unusual that many newly diagnosed females find a better understanding of themselves by reading other female authors, e.g. Samantha Croft. What I've learned from her "10 Traits" helped me tremendously.
And you're not alone with not having English as your first language, same here

Welcome not only to this site, but also to Your Own Special World

I got my bachelor's in speech pathology and English.

Are you up to dissertation level yet?

Welcome to WP. You'll find a lot of other academic types here with graduate degrees of various kinds. There's a thread over here that might encourage you:

viewtopic.php?t=200144

I have! And I liked it much better than the other autism histories I've read (John Donvan'sand Caren Zucker's "In a Different Key" was published at the same time, I think, and I didn't like it one bit). Have you read Neurotribes or In a Different Key? I'll google the threads, I'm curious to see what other people think about it.



Hey Moshe Ben Yehuda,

Thank you! And that's quite interesting that you mention reading other people's blogs and writing. I love reading other (autistic) people's blogs, it's much easier for me to understand (and hopefully one day accept) aspects of myself that are ... quite autistic I believe. I haven't heard of Samantha Croft, I'll check her out, thank you!
Also, if you don't mind me asking, what's your native language?

And thank you for welcoming me with so much enthusiasm and vigour.



What do you mean by dissertation level? I'm only in my first year... I graduated with a MA in English Literature in July and have moved on to a PhD (I knew I wanted to do a PhD and found my own little niche topic while I was writing my MA thesis). I'm doing my PhD in Germany so the system might be a bit different?




Thank you, Darmok! And thank you for the link, that thread sounds super interesting.

Magpie,

I have a Master's in English, too.

If you are ashamed then you have a distorted idea of what it means to be on the spectrum, probably one acquired from the false perceptions of NTs, who tend to see anyone not like themselves as being inferior.

If the world were populated by those with AS and we were to try to characterize those who are NTs from our perspective, the diagnostic criteria for Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder would describe someone who is socially needy, intrusive, emotional, and easily frustrated.