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Being a spouse and a parent is...exhausting

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underwater
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30 Sep 2017, 2:39 am

League_Girl wrote:
Man I can relate. I also can't stand messes and I am thankful my husband doesn't make lot of them and there isn't ever much to do. But when my brothers were little, they would make big messes and my parents would allow it and didn't enforce it and I would be all stressed out from a messy house and my mom refused to make it "look like a palace" so I had all this anxiety and then my dad getting a puppy made it even worse because he would pee in the house. Did my family care? No. My mom would get upset with me for cleaning everyday after school. I also fantasized about moving out.

I have an idea that maybe you can spend all your time cleaning and tell her if she would pick up after herself and help keep the place clean, you will have more time for your family. What is more important, her lazy lifestyle or you? :D


I don't think it's helpful to accuse the wife of having a lazy lifestyle. Anyone with two kids have plently of work on their hands, not the least of the emotional kind, and obviously the marriage is struggling. I don't see anyone enjoying themselves in this situation.

I think the big issue here is the NT wife not understanding, and therefore not empathizing with her husband, and vice versa. I really want to smack that silly counselor who scolds the OP for spending time in his workshop - I think it sounds like a fantastic thing for aspie recharging, and I think the OP's wife should be happy and thankful that they actually have a workshop he can escape to.


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RandomFox
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01 Oct 2017, 8:04 am

For me being a spouse was more exhausting than being a mother. Now I co-parent with my ex so I get 3 nights in a week completely to myself and that feels so good. Silence in the house. It's clean, it's calm, it's bliss, I can do what I want and nobody is looking at me thinking "shouldn't you be doing something else"? No parents-in-law with their nasty comments either! It's great! :D After that I'm happy and recharged and I can be a better mother, not a ball of anxiety.

I find it extremely frustrating when I'm forced to live with others for prolonged periods of time without breaks. I'd probably need a giant house to be able to hide and disconnect. While men do it quite often (just do some DIY in the shed or lock in their study to read or even play computer games!), women are very often judged harshly for doing the same. Shouldn't you be doing this, that, ironing, cooking, the bathroom's messy, maybe help with the homework, bake a pie for the school fair... "me-time again? isn't it a bit... selfish?"

I just didn't feel free at all in a marriage and I'm sure I'm not the only one. I think me and my ex are better parents in this arrangement than when we were together.



MartynRich
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01 Oct 2017, 8:12 am

Doesn’t sound like anyone around you understands autism



hobojungle
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01 Oct 2017, 10:20 am

Human relationships are a lot of work, it is understandable you feel exhausted.



mn_aspie
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17 Oct 2017, 7:42 am

Thanks for all the input. I have been pressing my wife to read more on aspergers. She has read a bit, but I get the sense that it's all perceived as theory, or fictional--that's to say that she knows what she read, and she knows what it means, but there isn't any sense of needing to apply it to reality. It's not completely surprising, I see people read books all the time and fail to apply the new knowledge to everyday life (e.g. fat people who have read one, or ten, dieting books)

My new strategy is to expose her to movies/shows which accurately portray the world as I see it. We watched that Atypical show, and while I disagree with a lot of the manufactured drama, I do get a sense of reality from the way people around the main character say things they don't mean, and he responds to what they actually said.



Kraichgauer
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17 Oct 2017, 11:37 am

mn_aspie wrote:
Thanks for all the input. I have been pressing my wife to read more on aspergers. She has read a bit, but I get the sense that it's all perceived as theory, or fictional--that's to say that she knows what she read, and she knows what it means, but there isn't any sense of needing to apply it to reality. It's not completely surprising, I see people read books all the time and fail to apply the new knowledge to everyday life (e.g. fat people who have read one, or ten, dieting books)

My new strategy is to expose her to movies/shows which accurately portray the world as I see it. We watched that Atypical show, and while I disagree with a lot of the manufactured drama, I do get a sense of reality from the way people around the main character say things they don't mean, and he responds to what they actually said.


Mozart And The Whale may not always be realistic concerning Asperger's, but it's still one of my favorite movies on the subject. Plus, it takes place, and was filmed in my own Spokane, Washington.


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underwater
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21 Oct 2017, 1:01 am

mn_aspie wrote:
Thanks for all the input. I have been pressing my wife to read more on aspergers. She has read a bit, but I get the sense that it's all perceived as theory, or fictional--that's to say that she knows what she read, and she knows what it means, but there isn't any sense of needing to apply it to reality. It's not completely surprising, I see people read books all the time and fail to apply the new knowledge to everyday life (e.g. fat people who have read one, or ten, dieting books)

My new strategy is to expose her to movies/shows which accurately portray the world as I see it. We watched that Atypical show, and while I disagree with a lot of the manufactured drama, I do get a sense of reality from the way people around the main character say things they don't mean, and he responds to what they actually said.


I've just seen what I thought was hands down the best documentary ever on Asperger's, by Chris Packham.

Read this thread: viewtopic.php?f=10&t=355080&start=0

Last I saw, the film was removed from youtube, but it seems it gets reposted by other people. Keep an eye out.

This link still works, though, but it's only half the film:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0mIFmRCaCs

What's so great about it is how it explains some of the inner workings of our minds, it doesn't just focus on the outer stuff. And it shows someone who is simultaneously very successful and very impaired.


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