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salowevision
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30 Aug 2017, 1:52 am

How many of you are suicidal? How many of you have attempted suicide? There seems to be solid data on autistic folks who have suicidal ideation but not much on those who actually go through with it. Does our anxiety cause us to hate life but makes us too fearful to leap into the abyss? Or do we end ourselves at a rate comparable to how much we fantasize about it?

I have attempted suicide but wasn't able to fully go through with it. I am now back to a place where I contemplate suicide several times per day.



dragonsanddemons
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30 Aug 2017, 2:02 am

I've been suicidal off and on for over a decade, along with on-and-off depression. I've made plans but never tried to go through with them. My suicidal thoughts almost always center on the fact that I feel like I'm nothing but a burden and that everyone else would be better off if I was gone. I've been thinking about it again recently due to struggles finding a job I can support myself on. I'm 24 and still living with my parents, and it seems like they are irritated with me more and more often, for no apparent reason, other than perhaps getting frustrated with still having to take care of me. I've been wondering at this point if I'll ever manage to get a job I can support myself on, and if not, well, I don't seem to have anything to contribute to those around me, so why keep making them care for me?


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


salowevision
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30 Aug 2017, 2:16 am

dragonsanddemons,
I find myself more motivated by my own pain. I'm in a very similar position regarding employment and living situation but I know that what family I have left would be devastated if I committed suicide. This may be something that they'll have to just deal with... the statistics and neurosis-inducing maladies are stacked high against me and my sentience is malignantly torturous.

I don't know your family but I can say with confidence that both of our families would rather see us be functioning adults than be in the situation we're in. And if you still feel that they love you... even if you're burdensome at times... they would rather you be a burden than be dead.



dragonsanddemons
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30 Aug 2017, 2:36 am

salowevision wrote:
dragonsanddemons,
I find myself more motivated by my own pain. I'm in a very similar position regarding employment and living situation but I know that what family I have left would be devastated if I committed suicide. This may be something that they'll have to just deal with... the statistics and neurosis-inducing maladies are stacked high against me and my sentience is malignantly torturous.

I don't know your family but I can say with confidence that both of our families would rather see us be functioning adults than be in the situation we're in. And if you still feel that they love you... even if you're burdensome at times... they would rather you be a burden than be dead.


Yep, deep down I know that, but my depression tries to tell me otherwise. Sometimes its lies are pretty convincing :( I know my parents would absolutely rather see me be a functioning adult, but if I can't do that, well... I kind of feel like they'd feel guilty because maybe something they could have done would have made things turn out better, but they wouldn't actually miss me very much.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


BettaPonic
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30 Aug 2017, 3:16 pm

I tried to end it twice this year. To anyone considering suicide, if you think you might do it get help. If you get close or try please go to a mental hospital. I found out I have depression. I met one of my best friends at the first one.



salowevision
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30 Aug 2017, 4:10 pm

BettaPonic wrote:
I tried to end it twice this year. To anyone considering suicide, if you think you might do it get help. If you get close or try please go to a mental hospital. I found out I have depression. I met one of my best friends at the first one.


My experiences with mental hospitals have been terrible to say the least. I was thrown in with junkies, schizophrenics and other sorts like that. I was given medication that made me agitated, I was constantly on edge because of violent inmates. I was routinely checked on every four hours, severely disrupting my sleep cycle. I learned nothing from my stay; other than that suicide is illegal and the state will punish you for trying.

You are not helping people by dissuading them from ending their pain. If people are living with anything that causes them so much pain that they are willing to give up their life; they should be allowed to. It is selfish and narrow minded to view suicide in such a black and white way. Would you dissuade terminal cancer patients from skipping the horrible symptoms and ending their lives a few months early?

Some people can be saved... there is hope for them. But there are people out there who are beyond the 'help' that humanity is able to provide.



will@rd
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30 Aug 2017, 5:02 pm

I don't believe in suicide "attempts." If you're not sure you're going through with it, and that you can be successful, don't waste everyone's time being a drama queen. I despise the idea of using the threat of suicide to get attention.

Besides, if you fail, you could end up being a vegetable. I read just last year the story of a man in a coma for over 20 years, who was conscious enough to hear his mother telling him she wished he would die and end her suffering. The idea of failing terrifies me. Being stuck in this world, without even the option of self-termination would be like a Twilight Zone trap. 8O

There are only a few (relatively) fool-proof methods. Robin Williams, Chris Cornell and John Carradine were all successful (whether they intended to be or were attempting something else is up for debate). Richard Jeni made it, though I hear it took him a while to screw up his resolve - one has to wonder if unconsciousness is guaranteed with the impact, or is there the possibility of some conscious pain and suffering afterwards? I had a work colleague who used his sleep meds, like Marilyn Monroe, not always the most reliable method, but it worked for him (and her). Another method was suggested by the movie The Accountant, but requires some research.

And it isn't always about depression. I've battled depression daily for decades, but there are other circumstances which can make it simply a matter of pragmatism, and maintaining the final sheds of one's own dignity.


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BettaPonic
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30 Aug 2017, 5:53 pm

salowevision wrote:
BettaPonic wrote:
I tried to end it twice this year. To anyone considering suicide, if you think you might do it get help. If you get close or try please go to a mental hospital. I found out I have depression. I met one of my best friends at the first one.


My experiences with mental hospitals have been terrible to say the least. I was thrown in with junkies, schizophrenics and other sorts like that. I was given medication that made me agitated, I was constantly on edge because of violent inmates. I was routinely checked on every four hours, severely disrupting my sleep cycle. I learned nothing from my stay; other than that suicide is illegal and the state will punish you for trying.

You are not helping people by dissuading them from ending their pain. If people are living with anything that causes them so much pain that they are willing to give up their life; they should be allowed to. It is selfish and narrow minded to view suicide in such a black and white way. Would you dissuade terminal cancer patients from skipping the horrible symptoms and ending their lives a few months early?

Some people can be saved... there is hope for them. But there are people out there who are beyond the 'help' that humanity is able to provide.

I think you are doing a disservice. All my friends have tried to kill themselves. With proper help and support you will recover. If medication doesn't help there are more extreme options. The difference with mental illness is it doesn't directly kill you and you can live a good life. The pain of suicide passes to everyone you know. Your friends feel responsible, your family misses you. People in your life blame themselves. I am kind of glad sometimes to not have gone though it.



BettaPonic
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30 Aug 2017, 5:55 pm

will@rd wrote:
I don't believe in suicide "attempts." If you're not sure you're going through with it, and that you can be successful, don't waste everyone's time being a drama queen. I despise the idea of using the threat of suicide to get attention.

Besides, if you fail, you could end up being a vegetable. I read just last year the story of a man in a coma for over 20 years, who was conscious enough to hear his mother telling him she wished he would die and end her suffering. The idea of failing terrifies me. Being stuck in this world, without even the option of self-termination would be like a Twilight Zone trap. 8O

There are only a few (relatively) fool-proof methods. Robin Williams, Chris Cornell and John Carradine were all successful (whether they intended to be or were attempting something else is up for debate). Richard Jeni made it, though I hear it took him a while to screw up his resolve - one has to wonder if unconsciousness is guaranteed with the impact, or is there the possibility of some conscious pain and suffering afterwards? I had a work colleague who used his sleep meds, like Marilyn Monroe, not always the most reliable method, but it worked for him (and her). Another method was suggested by the movie The Accountant, but requires some research.

And it isn't always about depression. I've battled depression daily for decades, but there are other circumstances which can make it simply a matter of pragmatism, and maintaining the final sheds of one's own dignity.

I have made two attempts and those closest to me have talked me out of it.



salowevision
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30 Aug 2017, 6:56 pm

will@rd, I agree with you to an extent. Many people (predominantly females) will make a half-cocked 'attempt' and use it as a means to get attention and pity. My 'attempt' wasn't an immediate thing like a shotgun blast. I began the action but couldn't bring myself to fully go through with it. There was this creeping anxiety that blasted to the forefront before I was able to cut deep enough and I started to panic.

Suicide is never a sure thing The closest thing to a foolproof method is a shotgun blast. And even that is something like 96-98% success rate. Handguns are a terrible idea. There is a 1/3 chance you'll live to be a vegetable like your friend.

I think the best method is exsanguination through a main artery like the carotid. Even a slight nick will cause eventual exsanguination if you do it somewhere no one will find you. It's just a matter of being able to deeply pierce the skin of an area where there are more nerve endings than most parts of your body.

That being said; it's not without failure. There is a natural evolutionary will to live inside even the most miserable of us. I think that's what happened to me... my instincts took over before completion. That's why gunshots are more successful. There's no time to change your mind. The adrenaline rush comes, you pull the trigger and it's over.



dragonsanddemons
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30 Aug 2017, 9:15 pm

salowevision wrote:
I think the best method is exsanguination through a main artery like the carotid. Even a slight nick will cause eventual exsanguination if you do it somewhere no one will find you. It's just a matter of being able to deeply pierce the skin of an area where there are more nerve endings than most parts of your body.

That being said; it's not without failure. There is a natural evolutionary will to live inside even the most miserable of us. I think that's what happened to me... my instincts took over before completion. That's why gunshots are more successful. There's no time to change your mind. The adrenaline rush comes, you pull the trigger and it's over.


That's my plan, if I end up doing it - cut my wrists and also probably every place the veins are close enough to the surface for me to see them until I lose consciousness, to try to be sure it's enough. Of course, for me, that might not be the best choice, because my blood clots super quickly - so much so that I'll cut myself over a vein and still only really get one good trickle of blood before I have to mess with it again to get it to bleed more (and in doing so, I've never felt any ill effects from blood loss - only time that happened is the one time I tried to donate blood). Anything less than that, and I'm lucky if the blood even really gets out of the wound at all. (Ahem, I may have a thing about seeing myself bleed...)


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


salowevision
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31 Aug 2017, 12:00 am

dragonsanddemons,
You'd have to fully sever the radial artery in order to bleed out from wrist cutting; which is a lot harder than you think. Odds are it will clot and you'll have severe tendon damage from the attempt. Even if you cut the radial artery longwise, it will most likely clot (the effectiveness of that method is a myth) I want you to read this case report:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20211449



dragonsanddemons
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31 Aug 2017, 12:21 am

salowevision wrote:
dragonsanddemons,
You'd have to fully sever the radial artery in order to bleed out from wrist cutting; which is a lot harder than you think. Odds are it will clot and you'll have severe tendon damage from the attempt. Even if you cut the radial artery longwise, it will most likely clot (the effectiveness of that method is a myth) I want you to read this case report:

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/20211449


Ah, OK. I actually don't know that much about the location of arteries, I just know that's a common place to cut for a suicide attempt. I should probably look that up before I try anything. Probably the worst outcome would be to live but have significant lasting damage from it - I guess the wrists aren't actually a good place, then. But I'd also be planning to slice up my arms, thighs, etc. - probably something comparable to that number of wounds. I'd just keep doing it until I lost consciousness or didn't have enough strength left to be able to.


_________________
Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


LilZebra
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04 Sep 2017, 4:05 pm

Have had suicidal thoughts going back 30 yrs.

Wasn't until 2013 that I started cutting myself. This was after being losing my full-time gov't job of 12 yrs., of having bedbug issues in 2011, of having moving 3x in 12 mos. in 2012. Of having to put down my 2 cats because I was unsure how they would have done at my childhood friends house (was scared they would have knocked down his parents knick nacks.)

2013 - Cutting at left leg. Got sent to the "Mobile Crises Centre", but they did not accept me because I'm not Schizo. or Bi-Polar.
2015 - 3x drowning attempts. Ended up with foot ulcer that got treated by Home Care. Healed now.
2016 - Cutting at what I thought was my Heart, but cut edge of Lung instead. Spent 2 weeks in Hosp. "Trauma" unit.
2017 - Cutting at private parts. Body is resilient and healed

Of not having a long-term partner, despite trying for many years. However, I do have a male Incubus (sex demon) since Oct. 2014 who is with me almost every night.

Housemates -- one is Bi-Polar 2 the other is Scizo. Afffective. puts stress on me.

Have asked Demons to possess me, because I want to "escape" the physical pain. Demons try to take over my body, and to push me (soul) and spirit out of my body, but are unsuccessful at it.

Of experiencing physical body breakdown -- neuropathic feet, breaking teeth, eyesight decline, ... Just looking OLD. I hate it. I want to be a little innocent healthy Boy again.


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Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 123 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 116 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits


LilZebra
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04 Sep 2017, 4:26 pm

salowevision wrote:
dragonsanddemons,
I find myself more motivated by my own pain. I'm in a very similar position regarding employment and living situation but I know that what family I have left would be devastated if I committed suicide. This may be something that they'll have to just deal with... the statistics and neurosis-inducing maladies are stacked high against me and my sentience is malignantly torturous.

I don't know your family but I can say with confidence that both of our families would rather see us be functioning adults than be in the situation we're in. And if you still feel that they love you... even if you're burdensome at times... they would rather you be a burden than be dead.


That's called parents that are Sociopath/Psychopaths. Those that feed on others' pain.

Both of my parents are now dead. They, especially my father, can no longer hurt me (later on in life it was his negative words) anymore.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 123 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 116 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits


LilZebra
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04 Sep 2017, 4:34 pm

dragonsanddemons wrote:
I've been suicidal off and on for over a decade, along with on-and-off depression. I've made plans but never tried to go through with them. My suicidal thoughts almost always center on the fact that I feel like I'm nothing but a burden and that everyone else would be better off if I was gone. I've been thinking about it again recently due to struggles finding a job I can support myself on. I'm 24 and still living with my parents, and it seems like they are irritated with me more and more often, for no apparent reason, other than perhaps getting frustrated with still having to take care of me. I've been wondering at this point if I'll ever manage to get a job I can support myself on, and if not, well, I don't seem to have anything to contribute to those around me, so why keep making them care for me?


I moved out when I was 22 1/2 in 1989. The previous year I took a Data Entry course and got a few weeks job experience with Air Canada.

Well, after 1990 there was the Recession of the 1990s that didn't clear up until about 1998 because of the "dot com boom".

I spent most of the 90s doing volunteer work at the computer club and things like that, learning HTML and built a public transit info website.

The economy is worse than it was 20 years ago. Locally, several private companies are laying off shrinking the size of their workforce, claiming "automation".

That, and immigration from the Third World makes it hard if not impossible, especially if you're a White Male...to find ANY decent work.

It's gonna get to the point where office clerical jobs will be so automated that no one will work except computers processing everything.

I wouldn't be so hard on yourself. As long as you have your physical health then I'd just take it easy, figure yourself out. Your parents of course will disagree. Your parents are what, Gen X or Baby Boomers? If Boomers, then they had it easier than kids of today. They cannot relate to younger people.


_________________
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 123 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 116 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits