Can't get used to being a teacher and leaving home

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221B
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30 Aug 2017, 4:32 pm

Hi... I suspect I have Asperger's, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist but neither diagnosed me officially mostly because they don't know enough about adult female high functioning autism. I'm a female and 26 years old, and pretty convinced that I have Asperger's.
I started working as a teacher last year. I left my parents' house and started living in a village in the middle of nowhere as the school I work in is there. Last year was terrible. I was extremely lonely, I had to live with three of the other teachers in the lodgment flat of the school. The house was dirty and cold, the people were gossiping and backstabbing each other, there was no where to go in the village and the locals spoke another language (they are a minority in my country). It was terrible from every aspect.
As for school, I was a terrible teacher. I have no idea how to control the classes of 25+ middle school students. I can't stand having to interact with too many people; I get very angry and overwhelmed. The school literally smells like a barn, there is no janitor, everywhere is smelly and dirty. The days when I had 7 classes were especially nightmare. I made a list of what I can't stand about teaching:
1. Dirtiness
2. Constant social interaction with too many people
3. Crowd
4. Noise
5. Chaos
6. Drama (among teachers)
7. No privacy (living in a lodgement with all the other teachers)

I never wanted to become a teacher. I wanted the job only because I had no skills that would qualify me for another job and teaching had vacation, job and insurance security and fixed working hours.

My holiday is ending and I suffer from anxiety every day because I have to go back to that village. I don't want to leave my parents' house. I just can't get used to the idea that I have to work and have a separate life from my family. I don't want to be independent anymore. I don't feel safe there. I've been thinking about quitting but I don't have any skills that would qualify me for a decent job. I won't have secure insurance or pension if a I quit this job as the private sector where I live is even a worse jungle than the one I'm in now.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone else have similar problems? How do you cope? Should I quit? Do I have to be an independent adult? Any advice is highly appreciated. Sorry for the long post. Please share your opinions.



Aristophanes
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30 Aug 2017, 4:41 pm

221B wrote:
Hi... I suspect I have Asperger's, I went to a psychiatrist and a psychologist but neither diagnosed me officially mostly because they don't know enough about adult female high functioning autism. I'm a female and 26 years old, and pretty convinced that I have Asperger's.
I started working as a teacher last year. I left my parents' house and started living in a village in the middle of nowhere as the school I work in is there. Last year was terrible. I was extremely lonely, I had to live with three of the other teachers in the lodgment flat of the school. The house was dirty and cold, the people were gossiping and backstabbing each other, there was no where to go in the village and the locals spoke another language (they are a minority in my country). It was terrible from every aspect.
As for school, I was a terrible teacher. I have no idea how to control the classes of 25+ middle school students. I can't stand having to interact with too many people; I get very angry and overwhelmed. The school literally smells like a barn, there is no janitor, everywhere is smelly and dirty. The days when I had 7 classes were especially nightmare. I made a list of what I can't stand about teaching:
1. Dirtiness
2. Constant social interaction with too many people
3. Crowd
4. Noise
5. Chaos
6. Drama (among teachers)
7. No privacy (living in a lodgement with all the other teachers)

I never wanted to become a teacher. I wanted the job only because I had no skills that would qualify me for another job and teaching had vacation, job and insurance security and fixed working hours.

My holiday is ending and I suffer from anxiety every day because I have to go back to that village. I don't want to leave my parents' house. I just can't get used to the idea that I have to work and have a separate life from my family. I don't want to be independent anymore. I don't feel safe there. I've been thinking about quitting but I don't have any skills that would qualify me for a decent job. I won't have secure insurance or pension if a I quit this job as the private sector where I live is even a worse jungle than the one I'm in now.

I don't know what to do. Does anyone else have similar problems? How do you cope? Should I quit? Do I have to be an independent adult? Any advice is highly appreciated. Sorry for the long post. Please share your opinions.

I can't offer you much in the way of advice on your life situation but I can give some advice on dealing with students: you're the authority, they listen or they get punished, it's as simple as that. You have to be a little ruthless, especially at that age, and it's best those students learn to respect authority in that situation rather than having them grow up and have to learn about it when it holds lasting consequences. You're not their friend, you're not their parent, you're their teacher which in this situation makes you the undisputed leader-- if you act like it, they'll fall in line. Remember you don't need the students to like you, you only need them to do the work and learn.



221B
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30 Aug 2017, 5:11 pm

Thank you Aristophanes. How do you suggest I punish them? Their parents and some other teachers hit them so they are not afraid of anything. I've been thinking about calling their parents but I've got nothing else. Last year I threatened them with minuses and low grades but it didn't work.



Keladry
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30 Aug 2017, 10:14 pm

Threatening the students with punishment and other things won't really work, as they are in control when you do that, otherwise you wouldn't need to threaten them. You need to be in control and that comes from being confident and expecting them to listen and behave, because you are the teacher. If you get it right, then they will do it. I've seen teachers silence a rowdy group of students that age without saying a single word. It's in how they stand, with an air of expectation. Luckily I saw these teachers in action early on in my teaching career and am able to approach the classroom in this manner. Maybe ask other teachers if you can observe them when they teach. You can learn a LOT from doing observations.

And the previous poster is correct. You are not their friend or parent, but their teacher. Assume the role of the teacher, with confidence, and they will respect it. And be strict and follow through. Don't stand for nonsense. The confidence is key though....



Aristophanes
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31 Aug 2017, 8:01 am

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm not saying 'threaten' I'm saying punish. Threatening doesn't work because there's no action, and I'm certainly not advocating physical abuse. The best technique I learned when the class was out of control is find the ring leader, the one student leading the disruption and cut him/her down with their peers. At the middle school level it's all about 'fitting in' with peers, so if you alienate that child with their peers they become powerless in the social group. You're certainly not in a western classroom from what you mentioned, so I don't know what you're allowed and not allowed to do, but as a last resort I'd kick the problem children out because one problem child will have negative effects on all the children. That's the punishment: loss of social status.



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31 Aug 2017, 8:10 am

Could you put a disruptive student in a situation where he risks losing face?

Like having to do some class activity in front of the class. Like doing a math problem, for instance, on a chalk or white board? Or having to memorize something and reciting it the next day?



221B
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31 Aug 2017, 8:19 am

thank you everybody for your time and advices. you have given me very good suggestions.
they aren't ashamed of not being successful BDTD.
loss of social status... makes a lot of sense but i have a feeling i will end up being the bad guy and they will keep backing each other.
body language and expecting them to behave... im not a confident person and most of the time i dont have the energy to act the part.
i felt extemely anxious this morning when i realized i have to go there soon, it was like there was a heaviness in my stomach. and i can hardly get out of bed because im too tired. i think i will quit. thank you again everybody.



Aristophanes
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31 Aug 2017, 11:14 am

[quote="221B"]thank you everybody for your time and advices. you have given me very good suggestions.
they aren't ashamed of not being successful BDTD.
loss of social status... makes a lot of sense but i have a feeling i will end up being the bad guy and they will keep backing each other.
body language and expecting them to behave... im not a confident person and most of the time i dont have the energy to act the part.
If you do indeed continue my point about social status is that the punishment needs to lower their social status with the group in some way. If I were a physical education teacher that may mean running extra laps for the kid disrupting, if I were a math teacher that may mean extra homework, if that fails I may resort to making fun of said student (yes it's juvenile, that's why it's effective with kids). The goal is to lower said student's social status so the rest of the children stop following their lead.
That said, if teaching is not for you I wish you the best on whatever it is you choose to do.



BTDT
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31 Aug 2017, 9:12 pm

Are you in a country where it doesn't matter if a guy is shown inferior to a girl?
In some places guys take a big social hit when girls can beat them in a "guy" activity.



221B
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01 Sep 2017, 10:34 am

Aristophanes wrote:
221B wrote:
thank you everybody for your time and advices. you have given me very good suggestions.
they aren't ashamed of not being successful BDTD.
loss of social status... makes a lot of sense but i have a feeling i will end up being the bad guy and they will keep backing each other.
body language and expecting them to behave... im not a confident person and most of the time i dont have the energy to act the part.
If you do indeed continue my point about social status is that the punishment needs to lower their social status with the group in some way. If I were a physical education teacher that may mean running extra laps for the kid disrupting, if I were a math teacher that may mean extra homework, if that fails I may resort to making fun of said student (yes it's juvenile, that's why it's effective with kids). The goal is to lower said student's social status so the rest of the children stop following their lead.
That said, if teaching is not for you I wish you the best on whatever it is you choose to do.


thank you. if i dont quit, i will try to follow your advice.



221B
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01 Sep 2017, 10:36 am

BTDT wrote:
Are you in a country where it doesn't matter if a guy is shown inferior to a girl?
In some places guys take a big social hit when girls can beat them in a "guy" activity.

i live in a country where men are still somewhat considered superior to women. but it wouldnt work if i told a disruptive boy that a girl was better than him. he would dislike the class and me even more and keep not trying to learn.



BTDT
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01 Sep 2017, 11:17 am

The idea isn't to tell the boy he is inferior, but to have him do something that demonstrates his inferiority.
Like having to do really simple math on a blackboard at the same time as a girl, and having the girl finish first.
It shouldn't be a hard activity in which there is no shame in failure.
Instead, it should be something really simple that the worst student in the class should be able to do.
Being an Aspie, I'd be able to remember what the worst students are really good at and what gives the disruptive students a hard time.



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04 Sep 2017, 9:49 am

1. Google "classroom management". Zillions of online resources.

2. http://www.smartclassroommanagement.com

I subscribe to this person's blog. What I have read there has worked for me in classroom situations.

3. Also look up the book "Love and Logic". Yes, I hear the near fatal eye rolls from here, but I know teachers who swear by it, and they work in inner city schools where teaching is not easy.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/educators/w ... r-teachers

(I've never used it, but have heard nothing but good things)

Why are those 11-14 year olds eating you alive?

1. Depression. Your body language screams millions. If you carry yourself "small", people see that and treat you with less respect.

2.The kids know you aren't invested being there. It's body language and tone of voice.

3. Work sucks. It sucks if you get your ultimate job. That is why work is called work and not fun. Sometimes you luck out and your job is 80% awesome, and only 20% s**t. Jobs sucks for NTs just as much for people with ASD. NTs have a little more reserves to deal with the BS. Even Bill Gates had his FML moments, and felt so done with his job.

This job is not a good fit for you. I didn't say teaching. You don't know how many teacher I know have a miserable principal, s**t kids and s**t parents and think they suck as teachers. Not true. Probably few teachers could handle all that.

The good bits...

You applied for a job, survived getting interview and got hired.
They haven't fired you yet.
Can count this now as work experience.
Now know middle school is not for you.
Now know roommates aren't for you.

Last thing, I'll be honest, as an NT, I would like someone to fight my battles. I want someone to hold my hand and say things will be all right. I want someone to make me feel safe and secure. The issue is that is unrealistic and I'm handing control over of my life to another person wanting that. Another person will never be 100% satisfactory as people haven't learned to read minds, and they aren't you.

If I was you...

1. Seek out some mental health help. You sound really depressed. (Who wouldn't be in that situation.)

2. Look up some classroom management information. It takes a while to bring an out of control class back into control.

3. Brain storm on your next move. Do not do this until you mentally feel better. Depression obscures all the good things about yourself. Makes lists. Hash it would with a trusted friend/family member or counselor. When you have a game plan figured out, you realize this s**t situation isn't permanent, just a step closer to what you really want.

Good luck! :heart:



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16 Sep 2020, 7:41 pm

Oh my goodness. I just read this thread and...this was me.

I used to be a teacher too, and I faced similar problems. I was in a really tough school with a horrific working environment. The school was broke, there were no resources, a lot of the kids were completely crazy, and classroom control was near impossible. It was the most dreadful year of my life, to the point where I still occasionally get recurring dreams about it. I spent most of my time either breaking down, or trying not to break down, and eventually ended up leaving because I couldn't take it anymore.

If there is one piece of advice I would give, it's this: THINK OF YOURSELF FIRST. I say this because I went into teaching for all the wrong reasons, the biggest one being that I felt guilty of not having much direction in my life, and desired to find something stable just to look like I was capable of living my life independently. But going into teaching cost me months of happiness, and wrecked my already low self-confidence. Leaving was the best thing I did. So if that's what you need to do to reclaim your happiness, then do it. But please, whatever you do, do not stay if it's only out of a perceived obligation to other people. You'll only end up hurting yourself.

I hope things work out for you.

PS - I know how you feel about the 'independent' thing. I spend most of my time feeling guilty and dreading the thought of trying to sort out career stuff. Sometimes it feels like the world is closing in on me and I'm going to be left living alone in a tiny bubble. It's as if everyone else got a manual on how to adult properly and I missed it.



Bonanza Jay
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18 Sep 2020, 5:01 pm

I really feel for you. Having a job you hate is the worst.

Tawaki's advice above sounds stellar to me.

I hope you find a good way out soon.

Above all, put your health first.

If you think teaching ESL online might be for you, send me a PM and I will help you get hired.