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Nod2323
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30 Aug 2017, 5:03 pm

Hello,

I am new here. I am currently 28 years old and live in the United States of America. I have recently discovered that I may be somewhere on the autism spectrum (self diagnosed at this point). I am just going to dump how I feel here, maybe someone might have some advice on where to look next for me.

I always sort of thought that other people just did not really like me especially in group situations, and so I have always read a lot of books on how to communicate better, make friends, read body language, and all sorts of other stuff but none of it ever seemed to help me. When I was younger i struggled in school and they never could figure out why. As i grew up i got depressed and eventually saw a couple councilors who determined i was depressed, had generalized anxiety, and had bad self esteem.

Since I have started thinking I may be on the autism spectrum I have ran through a range of emotions (happy, sad, in denial, angry, confused, etc.). I am currently struggling with I guess finding myself in the world through this, my new lens of understanding a little more about myself. The problem is that I do not really know much about autism or even really if I have it, even though I have a strong feeling that I probably do.

I am trying to analyze situations both in my past and now to understand them more and myself. I have an example from today at work that I was thinking about.

Last week I went on vacation to Yellowstone Park. While there I discovered for the first time (in real life) bison. While at the park I learned quite a lot about bison from various sources because they are really quite interesting animals. Upon return to work my coworkers asked me how vacation was and I briefly described to them all the things everyone knows are at Yellowstone, and that we had a good time. A little later on in the day I brought up bison. (This was just at a normal time where the group might be talking about a "reality" TV show or something similar) I told my coworkers about the two up-close encounters i had with bison over the past week and then I thought they might like to know some of the interesting things I learned about bison. It really makes sense that the group i was talking to would be at least somewhat interested in bison because they all (like I) have degrees in biology. I thought that I was sharing interesting and valuable information that they would definitely want to know especially because it seemed like every time I would stop they would ask me a question about the bison.

As I went on to explain some things about bison (population numbers, struggles due to diseases, unfair governmental and agricultural controls on them) I started to realize that I was annoying them. My boss told one of my coworkers not to encourage me by asking any more questions and she told one of my other coworkers that I was starting to give her a headache. I do not really think I was talking that long especially compared to some of the other things that the group talks about. My boss made what I think to be a joke about them missing me while I was gone. I think what she really meant was that they enjoyed me being gone, but I am not sure.

I was sharing with the group because I want to belong because I have never really felt like I have belonged to any group before. I thought that they would be interested in the information and stories I had about bison and that I could get along with them like they get along with each other when they talk about other things.

I later asked in private one of my coworkers who i do get along with more on a one to one basis about this conversation. I asked her what I did that was wrong and whether i had just given too much information, or what happened. She said that at any other time with any other group of people it would have been a good conversation but that it was just wrong for those people and at that time of the day. (noon) She also told me that she personally really enjoyed learning about the bison.

This sort of thing happens to me all the time and I have tried so many strategies to try to fit in but none of them have ever worked. It is hard enough that even talking to most people makes me want to jump out of my skin but I still try to make other people and myself happy.

I used to think that when something like this happened it was either people just being mean for no reason or that I was a bad person for some reason that no one liked. As i have said before I have tried to change myself with all these tips and tricks because i believed there was something very wrong with me. Several years ago my councilor told me that I had all these negative views about myself even though i knew they were not true at all.

Now I am trying to look at this differently than i would have used to. I think I probably committed some sort of social flaw when i started talking about bison, but i'm not sure how or why. If I have, then i truly do not understand how this conversation would be any different than any other conversation I might over hear. I do not get how my 10 minute talk of bisons is any different than the half hour long conversation that followed about someone's friend who is changing careers in the middle of her life, and actually i believe my conversation to be more important due to the severe extinction pressures currently facing bison.

I do not really know much about autism and i think maybe learning more about it might help me determine 1.) if i actually have it or if i should seek a diagnosis, and 2.) hopefully help me feel more at peace and be able to interact with other people.

Does anyone have any thoughts or recommendations on my feelings, thoughts, or books that I could check out?

Thank you!



StampySquiddyFan
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30 Aug 2017, 5:15 pm

Welcome to Wrongplanet! :D

Definitely check out The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome if you can! It's a great book. I'm so glad you want to learn more, and I think this website will help :D .


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Nod2323
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30 Aug 2017, 5:31 pm

Thank you StampySquiddyFan!

I started reading the book you suggested and already I can tell that the little kid from the first story used to introduce the book is like me. I must be in the right place!



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30 Aug 2017, 5:46 pm

Yay! I think his name was Jack? :D

I'm curious: do you have any sensory processing issues? This can manifest in a lot of ways, so it isn't just not liking loud noise.


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Hi! I'm Stampy (not the actual YouTuber, just a fan!) and I have been diagnosed professionally with ASD and OCD and likely have TS. If you have any questions or just want to talk, please feel free to PM me!

Current Interests: Stampy Cat, AGT, and Medicine


Nod2323
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30 Aug 2017, 5:52 pm

I am not really sure. I do get extremely overwhelmed in very social situations (if alcohol isn't involved which has been a problem in the past), in busy places, or when more than one conversation is going on at a time. If i am in a crowded restaurant place i can start to panic and want to leave and if I can not I will almost like stop functioning.

I am not sure if that qualifies but it might?

Edit: Yes his name is Jack, great memory!



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30 Aug 2017, 5:57 pm

That qualifies as sensory processing issues to me :D . It may not to everyone, but it seems like it could be some noise sensitivity. Sensory issues often get better or worse with age, so you also may have had more from when you were younger.

Thanks! I have read it recently (few months back), but I read it multiple times so that's most likely why I remember his name :lol: !


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Hi! I'm Stampy (not the actual YouTuber, just a fan!) and I have been diagnosed professionally with ASD and OCD and likely have TS. If you have any questions or just want to talk, please feel free to PM me!

Current Interests: Stampy Cat, AGT, and Medicine


Nod2323
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30 Aug 2017, 6:07 pm

StampySquiddyFan, I actually think you may be a genius... I started to think about what you said about may have having more from when i was younger and it made me remember that my parents had me taken to a learning center and they determined that I could not see the teacher who was teaching classes and that I was having trouble hearing the teacher too.

This led to getting glasses (which I actually did need, just not sure how much so) and also seeing a hearing specialist for quite some time. (I am not sure what the result of that was)



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30 Aug 2017, 6:12 pm

I ain't no genius, that's for sure! :D

I'm curious if your difficulties hearing the teacher may have in fact been auditory processing issues. I'm almost positive that there is something in The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome about it. I have some of the same difficulties in regards to hearing what others are saying, but I am extremely sensitive to loud noises. That's sensory issues for you :D .


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Hi! I'm Stampy (not the actual YouTuber, just a fan!) and I have been diagnosed professionally with ASD and OCD and likely have TS. If you have any questions or just want to talk, please feel free to PM me!

Current Interests: Stampy Cat, AGT, and Medicine


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30 Aug 2017, 7:30 pm

Hi Nod2323, welcome. :) That sounds really upsetting, feeling like you have a shared interest, sincerely believing that your coworkers were asking legitimate questions, and then feeling like it might've been all a joke on you. :(

Were you telling a story? Or were you mainly imparting information?



Nod2323
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30 Aug 2017, 8:43 pm

Hello DataB4 and thank you. Well mostly information... but it did start as a story. It did definitely seem as if everyone was interested... to me at least. I do really enjoy learning about biology topics and sharing them with other people... but i try to tone it back because i know some people do not like that.

As far as it being upsetting, it is, but it is sort of something I am somewhat used to now. I am more just trying to understand why things like this example seem to happen. I used to think that it was just that no one likes me because i was weird or something like that.

I do not think they were purposely trying to set me up to make fun of me or something... but I am honestly not sure. They actually are nice people so I have trouble believing they were just being mean. I think they just may be sick of dealing with me?

I have been reading this book StampySquiddyFan recommended and in the beginning there is a story about Jack and in that example Jack is talking about batteries to someone. The person Jack is talking to about batteries is trying not to talk about batteries and the author says she is trying to hint she does not want to talk about batteries but Jack does not get the hints. Finally she is stern with Jack and he gets the point.

Maybe my coworkers were trying to hint to me that they did not want to hear about bison anymore and I did not get the hint and so they made fun of me to try to get me to stop.

But that really just confuses me on an almost deeper level... because although I learned a lot about bison I am no expert and it is not like I talk about bison all the time. So i was just talking about something I was interested in to the people around me that I thought were interested too. Isn't that why and how people talk?



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30 Aug 2017, 10:08 pm

Any chance they thought of it as a monologue? Or as too much detail? Did you say something like, "I learned that the bison have decreased/increased/whatever in population," or did you share a lot of detail because you thought they were interested?



Nod2323
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31 Aug 2017, 4:30 pm

It was sort of both, i did share a lot of information but not nearly as much as i could have. I talked to the coworker I get along with well today about the conversation. She said that she felt like it was a conversation and that she had input into it. I asked her if she felt like she though i cared what she said about the bison and she said yes. So it seems like at least she didn't think it was a monologue.

I also talked to my fiancee who is really good at communicating with others about the situation and she told me she had also told her coworkers about the bison and when she listed what she had informed them about it was a lot more information that I had supplied mine.

I think chances are I will never really understand what happened but i think i need to get better at reading when people want to change subjects or move on from a topic.



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01 Sep 2017, 5:14 pm

Welcome to Wrong Planet! :)


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