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Marknis
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01 Sep 2017, 11:33 am

Before I had clinical depression truly kick in, my old paradigm was that God had a plan for me and if I waited long enough, the plan would be revealed to me. Because of this, I was generally passive in my life. I would normally sit around, sometimes engage in a interest, and visualize what the "plan" could be. I had depressed feelings before but they wouldn't last as long as they have now. I was always told God still had a "plan" for me. But when I saw how things were not going the way I hoped they would go, my old paradigm got destroyed. I started questioning what I was told and I felt like I had been deceived all my life by others. Something inside me decided that I didn't want others telling me how to live but that it was up to me to decide what I wanted.

I just wonder if the depression was the sole reason behind this or did it just coincide with my change in outlook?



AquaineBay
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03 Sep 2017, 3:54 pm

When did you feel really depressed? I always think back at the time when I first really felt depressed and look at what was going on in my life at the time.

For ex. I'm depressed now, why? I look back and it all started when I moved to a big city next to a lot of traffic, and a playground not too far from where I live...(All of which I hate!)
And I have no idea how to get away from it, I tried coping but that is not working. Yet before this situation I was getting ready for college, pumped about getting a job and that went away real quick!

So if you can remember where you first started feeling depressed that could give you your answer. You said the "clinical depression didn't truly kick in" which sounds like you had it before you changed your outlook. I think after a little self-analysis of your life in detail you could maybe go to a therapist and they can help you sort out the issue.(Since none of us are qualified therapist we wouldn't be able to help much.)

It's generally not a good idea to give your depression credit as eventually everyone will start to see it as just complaining.


_________________
Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."


Marknis
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05 Sep 2017, 1:31 am

It was near the end of 2005 when I started to feel really worried about the direction my life had been going in for so long. I also had an unrequited love spell with an internet friend and was upset that she never truly wanted to meet up or see me as some guy to date. Looking back, I should've realized it was never meant to be and should've looked at more realistic oppurtunities. The fact she didn't want to be my girlfriend did plant the girlfriend issue I struggle with to this day in my mind even though I no longer feel anything for her. I guess the feelings I had just found new negative emotions to draw off of since they couldn't get anything more out of her.