My mind is pushing me towards giving up

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Marknis
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03 Sep 2017, 1:28 am

I fear that my mind is pushing me towards giving up on finding a girlfriend. I look at my life and I see more restrictions than oppurtunities. I try to do things other guys do to get girlfriends but it doesn't work out for me. It feels like no matter what I do, I am always missing something and the deck is perpetually stacked against me. I will be 30 in one more year and if I don't have a relationship by then, I think it will be time to shoot my brains out of my skull. I don't want to live a life that is masochistic.



IstominFan
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03 Sep 2017, 9:20 am

I'm a 52 year old woman who rarely dated and it seems as though I won't have success in that area of my life. I will just keep living my life and getting out into the world. Maybe one day it could still happen. I will give myself until I'm 60 years old.



Marknis
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03 Sep 2017, 2:48 pm

IstominFan wrote:
I'm a 52 year old woman who rarely dated and it seems as though I won't have success in that area of my life. I will just keep living my life and getting out into the world. Maybe one day it could still happen. I will give myself until I'm 60 years old.


I already feel old at my age. A life without regular love has ruined my health.



Marknis
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05 Sep 2017, 5:25 pm

I've been feeling less stress mentally
lately for some reason. I don't know if my mind is getting used to my loneliness or if it's trying to accept what my position in life is. I don't know if it'll last long and I hope it doesn't mean I am giving up.



luminifera
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05 Sep 2017, 6:03 pm

:( op, I know what you feel... this is such a horrible feeling. Please don't give up. 30 is young, it's less than half a lifetime. I know it's hard, but we're gonna make it, right? <3



Marknis
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05 Sep 2017, 6:37 pm

luminifera wrote:
:( op, I know what you feel... this is such a horrible feeling. Please don't give up. 30 is young, it's less than half a lifetime. I know it's hard, but we're gonna make it, right? <3


It's indeed horrible. I see couples pass me by every day and it makes me wonder what is wrong with me, especially when I see jerks and guys who look/behave like criminals with girlfriends. I was told to just be nice, let God bring her to me (I don't buy into any sort of dogma anymore), and that I was a good looking guy so I should have no trouble but outside from one lucky incident, it's never worked that way.

I am not 30 yet but I don't want to spend another birthday single. I know it's not healthy to keep ruminating on my loneliness but I am worried that if I let it go than I'll miss out forever.



DW_a_mom
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05 Sep 2017, 6:53 pm

Have you considered the possibility that you don't need a relationship to be happy? OK, I'm married, so it will seem like it is easy for me to say, but I remember approaching 30 and still being single. I remember approaching 35 and still being single. I was 35 when I started dating my husband; my sister was 39 when she started dating hers.

The problem is, your despair over the situation actually makes it more difficult to find a relationship. You HAVE to get comfortable with yourself and your life as it is in order to become an attractive partner. When you feel desperate it permeates everything you do and can even become toxic in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is one thing, but feeling you need one for life to be worthwhile is another; no one can handle that kind of pressure from a date, the sense that your date needs for you to be the one and for this all to work out. People run from that pressure.

If you want to find someone, you have to get out of the mindset you are in. Do things you enjoy doing on your own, and build a life for yourself that you can find satisfying without someone else in it.

I know it is hard when everything and everyone around you seems to enforce the idea that you need to have a life partner. Remember, though, that partnering up is a social construct, no longer essential to survival. Or happiness. It is better to be happy alone than with the wrong partners, as so many people are.


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Last edited by DW_a_mom on 05 Sep 2017, 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

DW_a_mom
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05 Sep 2017, 6:55 pm

IstominFan wrote:
I'm a 52 year old woman who rarely dated and it seems as though I won't have success in that area of my life. I will just keep living my life and getting out into the world. Maybe one day it could still happen. I will give myself until I'm 60 years old.


Why have any deadline at all?

Keep living your life and doing things you enjoy.

I know some pretty fantastic people that are 60 or close to and are not in serious relationships. Most don't date at all. But they have good lives.


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thebetamale
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05 Sep 2017, 7:07 pm

I am 33 and felt the same for a long while my friend.. however i occupy my mind with other interests now and being single does not really bother me.. do you have any deep interests?



Marknis
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06 Sep 2017, 10:27 am

thebetamale wrote:
I am 33 and felt the same for a long while my friend.. however i occupy my mind with other interests now and being single does not really bother me.. do you have any deep interests?


I have some interests but it's hard to keep hold of them because the culture I live in doesn't encourage individuality. It demands herd conformity as well as embraces anti-intellectualism.



Marknis
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06 Sep 2017, 12:46 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you considered the possibility that you don't need a relationship to be happy? OK, I'm married, so it will seem like it is easy for me to say, but I remember approaching 30 and still being single. I remember approaching 35 and still being single. I was 35 when I started dating my husband; my sister was 39 when she started dating hers.

The problem is, your despair over the situation actually makes it more difficult to find a relationship. You HAVE to get comfortable with yourself and your life as it is in order to become an attractive partner. When you feel desperate it permeates everything you do and can even become toxic in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is one thing, but feeling you need one for life to be worthwhile is another; no one can handle that kind of pressure from a date, the sense that your date needs for you to be the one and for this all to work out. People run from that pressure.

If you want to find someone, you have to get out of the mindset you are in. Do things you enjoy doing on your own, and build a life for yourself that you can find satisfying without someone else in it.

I know it is hard when everything and everyone around you seems to enforce the idea that you need to have a life partner. Remember, though, that partnering up is a social construct, no longer essential to survival. Or happiness. It is better to be happy alone than with the wrong partners, as so many people are.


I have a hard time breaking away because my mind can't drop obsessions easily and even if I do let go, it doesn't change the fact I am still lonely and I still see couples pass me by. As far as building a life goes, I struggle with my interests as well as my life schedule. I sometimes feel like I've flunked too many tests and I've already missed the deadline without even knowing it.



DW_a_mom
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06 Sep 2017, 3:33 pm

Marknis wrote:
DW_a_mom wrote:
Have you considered the possibility that you don't need a relationship to be happy? OK, I'm married, so it will seem like it is easy for me to say, but I remember approaching 30 and still being single. I remember approaching 35 and still being single. I was 35 when I started dating my husband; my sister was 39 when she started dating hers.

The problem is, your despair over the situation actually makes it more difficult to find a relationship. You HAVE to get comfortable with yourself and your life as it is in order to become an attractive partner. When you feel desperate it permeates everything you do and can even become toxic in a relationship. Wanting a relationship is one thing, but feeling you need one for life to be worthwhile is another; no one can handle that kind of pressure from a date, the sense that your date needs for you to be the one and for this all to work out. People run from that pressure.

If you want to find someone, you have to get out of the mindset you are in. Do things you enjoy doing on your own, and build a life for yourself that you can find satisfying without someone else in it.

I know it is hard when everything and everyone around you seems to enforce the idea that you need to have a life partner. Remember, though, that partnering up is a social construct, no longer essential to survival. Or happiness. It is better to be happy alone than with the wrong partners, as so many people are.


I have a hard time breaking away because my mind can't drop obsessions easily and even if I do let go, it doesn't change the fact I am still lonely and I still see couples pass me by. As far as building a life goes, I struggle with my interests as well as my life schedule. I sometimes feel like I've flunked too many tests and I've already missed the deadline without even knowing it.


I am sorry to hear this. I hope you can find your way out to a more positive place. I know that isn't easy. Have you tried working with a counselor?


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hurtloam
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06 Sep 2017, 5:08 pm

DW_a_mom wrote:
IstominFan wrote:
I'm a 52 year old woman who rarely dated and it seems as though I won't have success in that area of my life. I will just keep living my life and getting out into the world. Maybe one day it could still happen. I will give myself until I'm 60 years old.


Why have any deadline at all?

Keep living your life and doing things you enjoy.

I know some pretty fantastic people that are 60 or close to and are not in serious relationships. Most don't date at all. But they have good lives.


Ah yes, but I'll bet they have at some point in their lives experienced a love life.

It's like a little bit of being human is a locked door to us.


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hurtloam
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06 Sep 2017, 5:13 pm

Marknis wrote:
I've been feeling less stress mentally
lately for some reason. I don't know if my mind is getting used to my loneliness or if it's trying to accept what my position in life is. I don't know if it'll last long and I hope it doesn't mean I am giving up.


I feel a bit less stressed at the moment too.

I'm not really into anyone at the moment.

The stress tends to come when I like someone, but i dont know what to do about it. And then they turn out not to be interested and the pain stresses me and the wondering why I'm never good enough.

There's no one to react to right now and I'm not stressed about being alone. I've got other things to focus on right now.

I still see couples and feel a pang. I always wonder how in the world they managed to get to that point. It's just so alien to me. I can't imagine someone ever liking me back.


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IstominFan
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06 Sep 2017, 6:12 pm

DW_a_Mom,

You are right. I will continue living my life. The one thing I worry more about than ever having a relationship is being good enough or independent enough to have one.