My mind is pushing me towards giving up

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I sometimes feel like I am the only one who didn't have a dating and sex life in my developmental years. I've read people state how in their high school years they did a lot of dating and had sexual experiences; I know that a lot of my classmates did as well but it's like those oppurtunities never came up for me. After coming home from school, I was stuck in the house most of the time and I had no real neighborhood friends during that time. Even as an adult, I still feel like those worlds are out of my reach. Like with the moon, I can look at them but I can't get to them.

I didn't either, though most people did. Girl may have wanted to date me in middle school but I'd been tricked by a girl before so I refused her.

Right there with you bud but what can you do? You have to find something to focus on and ignore the relationship aspect. Because honestly it does get better women's standards tend to drop after 30 so you pretty much made it.

I wouldn't phrase it as "standards dropping". As you age you realise how superficial outward appearances are and I think that means one's standards improve.

Plus everyone's bodies start to go south and hair is lost and goes grey and the playing field evens out.

Uh.... outward appearance isn't just everything. I'm talking about a lot of petty things. Lets be real for a second a lot of women expect a certain level of treatment from guys they date. They set that bar and men meet it or they don't get to be involved with them romantically. Wether that's have enough game, enough abs a good enough job w/e you name it. When women get older the ammount of men that were willing to do this at a younger age don't.

It's why you have SO many older men who date younger females and not vice versa.

I don't even want to live to 30 if I have to go through another lonely birthday.

If you feel like you must have a relationship to feel good about yourself, you won't get one. That attitude is unattractive. You need to work on yourself first.

It just hasn't been easy for me at all lately. My younger brother got engaged over the summer, my older brother got married earlier in the year, and my younger cousin got married and had a baby as well. A library patron told me he was engaged and some other patrons have told me they are either dating or are married now. Myself? I got turned down by a girl despite how we had common interests and another told me she and her twin were too scared to hang out. I respected their wishes but it's still discouraging to get turned down.

I really do think this advice is oversimplistic. It's not that we don't feel good about ourselves. Each person on here who is unsuccessful in dating has good qualities and deep down knows that they have good points as well as bad.

We have hobbies and interests that we can enjoy on our own.

But there's this door that is locked to us and we don't know why. People around us slide easily into relationships and we can't do it.

It's frustration that we are experiencing rather than unhappiness I think.

Understandable.

Strictly MY opinion here. The solution really is that simple. The problem is a combination of a lot of different things. The door is unlocked, cracked open, and inviting everyone to step through. I get treated differently because I walk funny, talk funny, don't get the joke, can't take a joke, can't tell a joke, and overall just don't fit anywhere. After so many years of being made fun of, feeling insecure, facing all kinds of anxiety just related to that, the door appears closed, locked, and out of reach.

So just from my experience, it's about feeling ok in my own skin, taking jokes and hate in stride, and maintaining my belief that I really am on the right track, even if I can't help being a little awkward with it. So now, I'm like, who cares what the haters think, say, or do?

Is being overweight a problem? Ok, I can lose weight. Out of shape? Ok, I'll hit the Y twice a day. Talk funny? LISTEN to other people, record myself and compare my speech to others, carefully adjust my speech to sound closer to normal.

Those aren't big changes to make. They really aren't. The biggest obstacle for me is my own sense of comfort. It feels weird going to the Y with a tight t-shirt and running shorts. And I sweat so bad my clothes are wringing wet when I'm done. It hurts to breathe. My chest hurts from my heart pounding so hard. And the smell... good grief, if I smell this bad to myself, I'm scared what the attractive young lady next to me is thinking.

Or I hit the track. More of same, but I'm conscious of my knees and my feet. And how slow I am. What are they thinking, I must look like an idiot!

Or when I take my shirt off and hit the swimming pool for a few laps. This is awful...I can FEEL the beautiful lifeguard judging me through her sunglasses.

I can't do this. I don't WANT to do this. WHY do I do this?

THAT is the worst part.

And I'm just talking active self-improvement here. I'm not even talking about walking up to a random stranger and introducing myself.

The final hurdle is the sheer willingness to do anything. I recognize the frustration here. I feel it, too. For me, it's always been about fighting a battle of wills against myself, to convince myself that the pain, discomfort, anxiety, and depression are all in my head. It feels SO REAL. But it's not. With exercise, I tell myself that pain is just weakness leaving the body. And with human relations, I tell myself the same thing about my mind--weakness leaving my mind.

I'm not pretending that some aren't physically, mentally, and emotionally unable to roll right through that door. I'm just saying that probably for most, the obstacles are entirely psychological and within our actual ability to overcome. For most, it just comes down to willingness to try and to keep trying.

Exercising is a million times easier than dealing with other people though. I'm the one in control of exercising. If I want to go for a long walk, I get up and go for a walk.

If I want people to like me. Not so easy. Completely different skill set.

I guess you could kamikaze go talk to everyone you meet and see what happens, but what if you're just annoying and its not just you who you're pushing through the pain barrier, but every one you force to converse with you?

Everyone always seems so busy with their own lives and their own friends. I do feel like I'm bothering them if I make them talk to me.

The thing I want more than a relationship is friends. I could be ok without a relationship if I had friends, but i like male company and I don't really know many single men to be friends with.

I'm rambling now.

Me too.

I've found that f2f interaction with AS (I'm guessing) individuals to highly annoy me...and then I think, whoa, do *I* do that? It's not my fault that I am the way I am, but that doesn't make me less offputting to others or less a hypocrite. But I do work to be more fair interacting with others like myself and to correct behaviors others dislike about me. The main struggle I have is being consistent about listening to others and keeping my mouth shut while forcing myself to (take my own advice and) interact with people more on their terms, getting them to talk to me rather than rattling on about things only I'm interested in and nobody else cares about. It takes work, and I'm less in the mood to work at it lately.

Like this kid who followed me into the locker room yesterday. I'm very private, even changing clothes in the bathroom stall rather than by a bench. And people aren't usually in there at the same time. So this guy follows me in and wants to make conversation. So...lemme get this straight...a socially awkward, shy dude young enough to still have acne is FOLLOWING ME, a much older guy who STILL has bad skin, is shy and socially awkward, into the locker room while I change clothes and prepare to sweat away the next 50 minutes of my day? And he's just standing there with this goofy look on his face. I'm like, WHAT?

But no, I don't say that. I try to make small talk, ask him if all he does is hang out at the Y all day (hint: do you go to school? Have hobbies? Whatever...). He just says "yes" and that's the end of it. He was listening in on a previous conversation I had with someone else and he knows more about me than I know about him. So...throw me a bone, man.

And still, I'm like, is that what people see when they look at me? How do I fix this?

Exactly. I feel like my invitation got lost in the mail and the club is hidden away from me.

The Bible Belt really sucks. It is complete Aspergers/Autism Hell.

Even if you did have girlfriend in high school like me, I've never felt 'loved'.

First girl dumped me twice and got with a new guy the next day, second girl liked me at first it seemed but then became very standoffish and didn't talk to me for two weeks before dumping me.

I at least can say I've had girlfriends, still cant say im not a virgin though, havent had my first kiss either.

Sorry to say, but its incredibly difficult/near impossible for single men to be 'just friends' with a woman without being physically or romantically attracted to her or BECOMING attracted to her.

I don't care if it takes 5 years, 90% of people, typically the man, develop feelings for a female friend, typically the other person, typically the woman, will not ever feel the same.

Pure platonic opposite sex friendships are rare but exist, its unlikely you'll end up in one.

Most men who claim to see their female friend as 'like a sister' are lying or won't see her that way forever.

In fact its common for two childhood friends to start to feel awkward once the pubies and hormon-eys start coming around.

Its in my experiences middle ageee men though catch feelings less easier than younger men.

Whenever I am alone on a Friday night, it feels like my life is ticking away. Everyone else around me is having fun while I am slowly dying. I just wanted to be accepted but I was born into the Bible Belt where if you aren't taking it "like a man", they'll force you until you cave in and start loving it, 1984 style.