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sidetrack
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Joined: 15 Jan 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,863

04 Sep 2017, 5:23 am

I would like to say that this posting is in a sense 'an attempt' at rewriting a posting which I wrote yesterday in which not only did I bring up an issue which I find of knowing how to handle arrogance but also an admitted 'problem' I have with Italians. It was taken down even in spite of how I explained an 'interconnection of sorts'. In this posting I mean to reiterate what I said before albeit in an attempted shorter, 'more point like' form'. My 'potential apologies ahead of time' to the person who commented on the posting I made before and/or anyone involved in taking down the previous posting.

--When I was 14/around ~2005, the first high school I went to, I found to be a toxic environment; factors which I couldn't control back then where me coming across harassing members of the student body and nepotism based staff of teachers who catered to them. This included someone curmudgeonly who was two years away from retiring and passing away and someone deeply uncomfortable to be around who wasn't doing his job because he was actually a real estate agent. Both math teachers, both Italians.

--The aggravation of being there was painful enough that I transferred high schools during 2008.

--For the past ~4 years, the poser math teacher has worked in some capacity at a community college I recently graduated from a few months ago.

--Recently in trying to 'navigate through the mental health system' I came across a counsellor at a place called 'Catholic family services' where a particularly inexpensive arrangement can be made. He is a nice person and has become well aware of my issues with institutionalism.

--This includes how there is a name plaque with the last name which reminds me of nepotism I know of. The relationship built has been built mainly around religious counselling and to an extent addressing cognitive distortions. I have been seeking mental health services elsewhere.

--I switched to a general practitioner who is on a 'family health team' on which there is a mental health professional who I could see for free.

--To my personal chagrin, I have noticed how the staff in the building is compromised of family members and I would not be surprised if (given the last name) they are Italian. There is something about the tone of voice and even facial structure of the general practitioner which reminds me of the poser math teacher I knew. Do I feel that I have yet another' reason to dread being physically unwell.

--Over the years, there has been a developed bias that whenever there are Italians to expect an arrogance of sorts which is almost enough a part of the identity in my mind to be a cliche--where I to ponder and list Italian persons who I have interacted with it would not be uncommon that arrogance be a reoccurring part of a certain demeanour. A part of me is not beyond using derogatory words when upset, I admit.

--I find that when it comes to bias which I project onto Italians that it is deeply difficult to decouple institutionalism particularly as expressed within Catholicism. I used to 'practice confession' on a reoccurring basis and it connects to cognitive distortions I have including a proclivity to self-blame and self-shame.

--**I realize how the important factor to address is not acting on a resentment towards a group of persons for what cannot be controlled (ex. being attached with a certain attribute in the form of a group association like ethnicity and being Italian) but how to handle, engaging with and interacting with persons who come off as arrogant to me.**

--I mean to bring such issues and/or concerns to a mental health professional I will be seeing later this month. I have issues with forgiveness. I realize that a potential tangent regarding 'finger pointing', privilege, my struggle to attain a certain math credit, religiosity etc could emerge even though I have not quite brought it up that much.