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Summer_Twilight
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04 Sep 2017, 7:12 pm

Hi:
There is a guy who I have known for three years now who is also on the spectrum like myself. Things went well at first and he otherwise is a sweet guy who I have enjoyed being around. During the last year though, I have been finding that he hasn't been a very supportive friend for the following reasons.

1. He is president of a self-advocacy chapter for people with disabilities and has certain view points which he has been forcing on me.
2. This chapter is run by a group of cliquish and controlling self-avocates who want you to fit in their mold. Anyone who doesn't fit they bully and exclude. Sadly, I am one of their odd girl's out. Though I have expressed my concerns to him many times about that, he has told me that he doesn't want to "Start any trouble" because he's more concerned about fighting top disability issues going than about how people are treated within the chapter.
3. He allows this bullying self-advocate attend and do whatever he wants though he complains about him all the time. Yet, I can't be there because he and I "Fight all the time" but knows that this guy runs his mouth off and is disruptive.
4. Yesterday, I told him about the situation which I posted about earlier and he was callous and dismissive.
"Well did you move?" When I went to tell him further and it was "Well, I am kinda hungry. Gotta go, bye!" He never contacted me after that and just took off.

I feel like number 4 could be the straw that broke the camel's back friend-wise and I have decided that I don't particularly like him and I am at the end of my rope with him.

What do you suggest?



the_phoenix
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05 Sep 2017, 12:13 am

I suggest you leave losers like him behind,
focus on you and your good qualities,
follow your passions and dreams,
and know that the best revenge is living well.

I tend to run into similar issues in Star Trek fandom
because as an Aspie, I'm creative, unique, and independent ...
and that threatens people.

While I'm still a member of a local fan club,
I've courteously distanced myself
to focus on painting and fine art photography ...
and I'm absolutely sure this was the right decision.
I succeed in the art world far better
than I do in the fandom world
when it comes to being accepted.

Go where you're celebrated, not merely tolerated.

I wish you the best of success.



Summer_Twilight
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05 Sep 2017, 1:39 am

Phoenix,
Lol, I didn't think about him being a loser but you are right, he really is.

Like you, I am finding that most people who have found as "Friends" have different priorities than I do. Most seem to like staying in this little comfort zone where they enjoy being people pleasers just to get by. Their big dreams? Getting married and having a "Special someone" to cling to and wait on them hand and foot.

Me on the other hand, I am outspoken, independent, and have other goals that they seem to freak out over.

Anyway, is there anything that I could say to him in regards to letting him know that "Maybe we aren't such a good fit for each other?"



the_phoenix
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05 Sep 2017, 2:03 am

Summer_Twilight wrote:
Anyway, is there anything that I could say to him in regards to letting him know that "Maybe we aren't such a good fit for each other?"


The thing is, these people are energy vampires that feed off of drama.
So the more emotional entanglement you have with him,
like saying "Maybe we aren't such a good fit for each other,"
the more he'll enjoy the drama ... because he can turn your words against you.

Better for you to silently disappear from his life,
in favor of building your own, better life ... without him.

Let him wonder about you.
You certainly don't owe him any explanation
after the way he's treated you.

(Am thinking he's more of a "club leader" than an actual "friend" to you?)

He might even try to come after you to get you back into the club.
If he does, it's likely for his own selfish reasons.

Of course, you don't have to leave the club.
Depends on whether staying in benefits you in any way.



Summer_Twilight
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05 Sep 2017, 8:14 am

Since I have been denied the right to attend the meetings "Due to having a bad temper" while this other ex-friend is allowed to bully people, push their buttons and run his mouth, I learned over time that I don't care for the things that they teach. So I have learned that this is a blessing in disguise.

Why do I tell you this? For one I was very shocked to learn that this guy, who otherwise seems to be sweet, could turn out to be so selfish. He cares more about keeping his chapter together and fighting these societal issues instead of practicing what he preaches.

I had attempted to tell him what happened on Sunday because he talks about self-advocacy and all that. Yet, he couldn't make the time or the effort to be a good example.



Shahunshah
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05 Sep 2017, 8:46 am

It does seem silly what he is doing. Maybe he doesn't want to destroy his standing with the new group he has. I can imagine that being the case to be honest. I am not convinced it is to do with strengthening the organization. The whole thing seems rather petty, and I think their is a high possibility the whole shitfest will just fall apart. I can't imagine them tolerating that guy's antics forever and they don't seem to be doing all that much.



Summer_Twilight
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05 Sep 2017, 9:33 am

Shahunshah wrote:
It does seem silly what he is doing. Maybe he doesn't want to destroy his standing with the new group he has. I can imagine that being the case to be honest. I am not convinced it is to do with strengthening the organization. The whole thing seems rather petty, and I think their is a high possibility the whole shitfest will just fall apart. I can't imagine them tolerating that guy's antics forever and they don't seem to be doing all that much.


He has a very passive personality but he does have very strong opinions about things.



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11 Sep 2017, 11:06 am

Don't think, just do it. At that point "thinking" doesn't even serve a purpose anymore.



Summer_Twilight
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12 Sep 2017, 11:14 am

He pretty much disappeared after my friend and I last saw him and I haven't seen or heard from him since. I feel that since he kicked me when I was down and needed him the most, I figure that if anything, the ball is in his court. Though, I would like to have a word with him about how much I CANNOT stand the self-advocacy chapter that he's running.



HenryGramer
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13 Sep 2017, 7:00 am

Personally, if you feel offended by those actions above (sorry didnt read it all due to overwhelmingness) and you have tried to give like 2 - 3 chances, after that just drop it good. Also, before making that choice though, utilize opportunity cost thinking to determine whether or not you can live with the decisions (although truth be told, if you're already thinking about this, you're probably able to live with the decision because of power dynamic psychology here).


_________________
I'm finally coming to terms with the Aspergers identity but am now needing help with how to navigate it.

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Says I'm Aspie...

Please don't type of paragraphs in response to my questions or replies because that will overwhelm my mind and make me not want to read your responses.


Aristophanes
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13 Sep 2017, 7:30 am

A clean break will be better. If you contact him just to complain about his group it will serve no purpose, he won't leave, you won't feel better, it's just fuel for a fire that at this point should just be put out so you can move on.



Summer_Twilight
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13 Sep 2017, 8:43 am

HenryGramer wrote:
Personally, if you feel offended by those actions above (sorry didnt read it all due to overwhelmingness) and you have tried to give like 2 - 3 chances, after that just drop it good. Also, before making that choice though, utilize opportunity cost thinking to determine whether or not you can live with the decisions (although truth be told, if you're already thinking about this, you're probably able to live with the decision because of power dynamic psychology here).


N'aw, I have discovered that I don't really like him that much because:
A. He's not very supportive
B. He's isn't a real self-advocate but a people pleaser and a push-over for other people
C. Though he's nice enough, I have discovered that he has a passive-aggressive controlling side.

Regards to the group of people who he associates with, I don't care them.
A. They're annoying
B. They're rude
C. They're shallow and superficial
D. They're grown adult aspies who act like a bunch of 15-year-old cliques

I am a little too old for that and I don't tend to fit into other people's perfect little molds too well. I think I can do better myself.