I think I am autistic

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I am a 47 year old male, married with 5 year old identical twins and I have struggled all my life with anxiety depression social isolation, over stimulation among other things. When I was 3 years old, I was hit by a car and everyone (including myself) assumed my problems were the result of the mild TBI I suffered. The problem has always been that my symptoms are more sever than my TBI would indicate and as such I have struggled to get help, even to being accused of faking it by a judge when I tried to get disability. A couple of weeks ago my wife watched Atypical on Netflix and yes, I have since found out that a lot of people dislike it, but for us, it set off all kinds of alarm bells. I saw way too much of myself in that show and while at first I blew it off, my wife was convinced.

I started doing research, and as I read, more and more things in my life started making sense. Even before my accident, I didn't like being held. When I was a baby, I spiked a high fever and the Doctor determined I had a very bad ear infection but I should have been screaming my head off. The doctor even went so far as to poke me with his pocket knife to see if I could feel it (I poked him back). another time, I was able to find the one breakable glass bowl under the kitchen cabinet and broke it slicing a deep gash in my leg. My mother and aunt worried because I was being so quiet and found me playing in a pool of my own blood. As a child, I would often put myself to bed whenever I was over stimulated. I would only were clothes with certain textures, if it felt itchy at all I refused to wear it. To this day I have a closet full of clothes others have bought for me that I can't wear. As I got older, I started having panic attacks. Once in line for a buffet in Vegas I started having a massive panic attack and my family essentially formed a wall around me to give me space to breath. During a tornado in 6th grade I was stuck in the hallway at school and had a panic attack so bad my mother had to come get me. Another time, I had a panic attack at a school dance and couldn't get out because to get to the exit I had to pass right in front of the speakers and lights as well as through a crowd of other students. After I finally was able to get out I walked home crying.

Add to this the social difficulties of never fitting in, even with my own family, I always feel like an outsider, never being sure how other feel about me. I was able to make it through high school and managed to get my emotions under control , but I flamed out at college. I eventually went to a tech school in my home town and being in familiar surrounds helped a lot. I graduated and went to work in the semiconductor industry and did ok. I have always been good with machines and fixing them. I eventually moved to Albuquerque and went to work for Intel. I did well at first and was very good at my job, but 12 hour shifts, and then the politics of dealing with other people started to wear on me. Being so far away from my family didn't help. Eventually I got so depressed I was contemplating suicide. A buyout was offered and I saw it as a way to escape, and then moved back home.

I drifted for a while living on my severance money and eventually tried a few jobs, but wound up going back to school for a degree in computer networking. I wasn't enthusiastic about it, but it was something to do. Just before I was due to graduate, the tech bubble burst and all the jobs in my field dried up. I was one class short of a degree but I saw no point in finishing my degree. I was offered a job online, working as a chat moderator for a cam network and for a while I did ok. Even though I was still struggling with depression, I was able to pay my bills and feed myself, even though I did very little to take care of myself. Eventually I was fired from that job when the company changed owners and the new owner wanted to save money by hiring guys from oversees to do the job. I was fortunate to have a friend who owned a gas station, and he offered me a job as a clerk/assistant manager. only just barely above minimum wage but better than nothing.

Eventually I found my old medical records and started figuring out that maybe my problems were related to my brain injury and I wasn't just a huge screw up. I was able to get on antidepressants and started looking for help in online brain injury support groups. It was in one of those groups that I met my future wife who has a severe TBI that she suffered as a child. We had so many common experiences that we bonded and eventually moved in together. With her encouragement, I applied for disability and after my application was denied, hired a lawyer to appeal it. We went through all the hoops but in the course of my appeal, my lawyer died, and the final ruling from the judge said that while my problems could be related to my brain injury, since I was so smart, he thought I was faking it.

We struggled on, and eventually decided to get married, and to have a kid. We cleared the way with her doctors, changing some of her meds to make sure it would be safe for a baby. We expected it to take a while but a week before our wedding (which had been put off by 6 months at our families insistence on a church wedding), on Friday the 13th no less, we found out she was pregnant. A week after the wedding at the first OB appointment were were told it was twins. I will skipp over some stuff, but suffice to say, it was perhaps the smoothest twin pregnancy the High risk OB had ever seen, and our girls were born healthy and happy and have been practically perfect ever since.

A year ago, we moved to be closer to her family, and while I was not thrilled to move away from my family, we did it because she needed it. After we got here, my panic attacks (which had been pretty mild the last few years) started getting way worse. It felt like I was having one long panic attack. When I was overwhelmed I would start to stutter and my hands would twitch, I couldn't even do simple tasks because I was shaking so bad. As we got settled in, the attacks lessened, but I still get them when I spend too much time around people. Lights, noises (not just loud ones), strong smells all can trigger an attack.

When I started reading I saw things like "autistic burnout" and "autistic meltdowns" as well as "stimming" and realized how that fits so much of my past. I didn't think I dis stimming but my wife pointed out that I will often shake my foot almost to the point of shacking the house around me. I also have in the past found beating my head against a wall soothing but I didn't think of it as unusual as I never did it hard enough to hurt and I just did it to focus. I didn't do it often, and really didn't even think about it till last night when I really wanted to bang my head on something because of how frustrated I was.

I have a lot of trouble expressing emotions, and have kept a tight reign on myself and internalized a lot just to keep from lashing out. When I am tired or stressed, sometimes I will lash out verbally and feel out of control and that makes it even worse for me because I struggle so hard to keep it under control. The other thing is now my emotions feel so distant sometimes, I am rarely sure if I am feeling something because I actually feel it or if I just calculate that I should feel it.

I am rambling so I will try and finish up by saying that I went to my doctor with my suspicions and I am scheduled to see a psychiatrist on Thursday for an evaluation. I don't know what to expect. I am afraid he will say "nope you don't have autism, you are just lazy" or something similar. I know that isn't rational, but I always worry about everything. I will try to answer any questions anyone has if anyone has questions. I hope this isn't to long or inappropriate.
Thanks.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Let us know how your meeting with a psychiatrist goes.

Meanwhile, have you completed any self-reported screening tests? Here are a few good ones:

https://www.wired.com/2001/12/aqtest/

http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

http://www.aspietests.org/raads/

Screening is a good way to decide whether or not an individual wants to pursue a diagnosis. Good luck!

Went for a psych eval and started explaining my problems and was told that they don't do diagnostic testing and it didn't matter if I have autism or not and it was a waste of time trying to find out. He just wanted to treat my symptoms and didn't care what the cause was. He wants me to see a therapist to learn coping mechanisms for my anxiety. I made my own coping mechanisms 30 years ago and they aren't working anymore. I almost walked out after he told me that. The only reason I didn't is those coping mechanisms of holding everything in.

Yes I have taken those screening tests and scored a 32, and to be honest it would probably be higher now that I have reexamined my life and remembered things I had blown off and now see as signs.

Anyway he told me to get a diagnosis I would need to talk to a neuropsychologist, which is nearly imposible with my insurance around here. He said it was a waste of time to even try.

Right now I feel like screaming because every time I think I am making progress, I smash into another dead end.

Yes, it seems that your psychiatrist wanted to "treat" you for many months and years with therapy and medications. I would have told him that I would be happy to consider treatment after a diagnosis is made, but that isn't how such professionals operate.

There should be an autism diagnostic clinic at a college or university near you. Such clinics specialize in diagnosing. They can be pricey, though. So, ask for a "scholarship" or discount. They are often expected to reduce their fees for people who can demonstrate that they couldn't otherwise afford an assessment. The reason such clinics do this is because they need to offer practical experience to their students.

Once you make a list of nearby diagnostic clinics, call each one and ask if they have experience in diagnosing adults (many clinics diagnose only children). Then ask them about which diagnostic test(s) they offer. ADOS-2 is one of the best. Finally, ask for a price and schedule another assessment. Meanwile, collect as much evidence as you can about your own life and possible autistic behaviors, characteristics and comorbids (like you did in your original post). You will need to be your own advocate. Argue your evidence and lead the diagnostician along the path in concluding that you are correct about your suspicions. Good luck!

You are in the US so most US psychiatrists and therapists will probably have you go to a special center to get tested. That's what happened with me. My therapist is an autism specialist and she had me call a few places that do diagnosis and get in with the one that had the earliest opening. There are a lot of free options out there so don't pay an arm and a leg to get diagnosed.

Now, this is probably going to take a few months to get you a real diagnosis just because there are a lot of people needing a diagnosis and the case load is full with a lot of places.

I would also highly suggest getting yourself into therapy, like once a week sort of therapy or maybe once every 2 weeks if once a week is too much, and asking for a referral to a therapist who is also an autism specialist. An autism specialist is a credentialed person who has a background in autism. That might make this whole experience much easier. That's just what I did and she has helped me over the last 4 years really learn how to live with this diagnosis. I got diagnosed at 28. I'm 31 now.

Of course you don't have to go see an autism specialist and there might not be one around you, but by the looks of what you wrote, I would suggest a once a week or once every 2 week visit with a therapist just to sort out all this conflict you seem to be experiencing. They probably have better resources to get you a diagnosis than a psychiatrist, just based on personal experience. I have 5 disorders and I've been seeing psychiatrists all my adult life. And I have a master's degree in psychology, and I can confidently say that psychiatrists are NOT good enough with this sort of thing. They can get you a referral to someone though.

But again, it took almost 5 months for me to get my diagnosis after my therapist noticed the signs in me. So it takes time.

Let me know how it goes. I'm new here so I don't know how the private messaging system on here works. Good luck!

This is absurd. I remember seeing a therapist about what I thought was social anxiety. At the time neither I nor she had an inkling that I might be autistic. She started talking to me about how I needed to change my expectations about how people were going to treat me, like I should stop thinking that people were thinking badly about me and suchlike. I was like 'WTF, I don't have much ideas about what people think of me, I think about what I'm going to cook for dinner, go to pick up my kid in kindergarten, and then people are unspeakably rude to me, for no reason I can discern'. I really don't have very complex ideas about what people I am not close to think of me, yet social situations explode in my face.

If the 'treatment' for social anxiety is along those lines, it is probably of limited use for an autistic person.

If your doctor thinks anxiety in an autistic person can be treated the same way as for a neurotypical person, he is misinformed. Most likely, some things would be useful to you, and some things would be useless. Drugs might cover up your symptoms when you really need a diagnosis. On the other hand, you need to function, as you have a family to take care of.

I agree with the other posters, you need to focus on getting a diagnosis, or at least find a therapist that will consider you being autistic and be open to trying various approaches to see what works.

Sorry for the long delay in getting back to this but after that encounter I was pretty stressed out and then I had a long day the next day starting with a doctors appointment for my girls then an appointment with a therapist (for weight loss surgery I am going through the process of getting) and then a physical therapy session (for problems with my ankles and knees).

The therapist was very understanding (and a bit taken aback when I told him of my experience with the psychiatrist) and he gave me a screening test for autism (I scored 34) and then tried to find a doctor or therapist to help me get the testing I need. No real luck but it was good to feel like someone believed me and wanted to help me.

The Therapy session was cathartic. While it mostly is just stretching and strengthening exercises one part had me on a recumbent step machine (a NuStep) for 10 minutes to warm up. I kind of used that to burn off a lot of my anger and frustration and cranked up the music on my phone through my headphones and pushed hard through so hard I was rocking the machine. They cranked up the resistance to slow me down but I just pushed harder. (For the irrelevant record the songs I used to pace myself were AC/DC's Thunderstruck, Drowning Pool's Bodies, and Linkin Park's Given Up, songs I find very cathartic and always get me worked up). by the time my therapy was over, I was pretty much a limp noodle.

I spent the next few days on edge as everything felt overwhelming. even though I withdrew as much as I could to isolate myself, being a husband and father, there is only so much I can withdraw. I could barely talk at times because I struggle to to get the words I want to say out and my hands will shake so bad I can barely hold things at times. My wife has been wonderful and my girls are awesome. I have been very introspective the last few weeks ever since I started figuring out I have ASD and have been reexamining my life and watching pieces that never quite fit before fall into place. I am finally back close to what passes for normal for me.

I am not going to give up and I am going to try and find the right help for me, starting by contacting my insurance company and seeing if they can help me find the right doctor for me. If that doesn't work I will keep searching on my own until I get some answers and the help I need. I know what is wrong with me now, and I won't give up until I get either a confirmation from a doctor or an answer that fits better (I pretty much doubt there is a better answer but I will try my best not to be closed minded.)

Oh and some background on the Psychiatrist I talked to. He was the head of the clinic I went to, but had retired and got bored so he came back to work at the clinic. I looked up his educational background and he got his degrees in the 70s and had no further education listed since then. He was saying there was no way to diagnose me with autism without seeing the records of my birth to see if I had lost oxygen while I was being born. I'm 47 and the Doctor my Obstetrician is long dead and they only keep those kind of medical records for 14 years anyway. Besides which, as far as I know that has absolutely nothing to do with autism. I think there were some theories about that a long time ago but have long since been discredited. I seriously don't think he has read anything on autism in 30 years.

I did cancel the follow up appointment with him and specifically said I had no confidence in his ability or desire to get me the help I needed and that he actively discouraged me from seeking the help I needed.

Ok enough venting, that is where I am at the moment. Thanks for reading and for the advice.

If you want to compare clinicians/diagnosticians in your community, try searching around the Psychology Today database ( https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ ... 7&spec=251 ). Their fees can be much more affordable, but they aren't always up-to-date in clinical knowledge about autistic adults.

For the rdos test I got:
Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 134 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 73 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)

And the Aspietests score was 168 total
Language 8.0
Social relatedness: 77.0
Sensory/motor: 54.0
Circumscribed interests: 29.0
All of them well above the threshold and looking at the averages, above the average scores for pretty much everyone who took the test, except on language.

That is where my therapist looked and he didn't have much luck finding anything in my area (The Allentown PA area) he did print out what he did find for me and he said he would keep looking.

Oh, that explains it then. There is a lot of new research on autism that has come out only recently that challenges a lot of what they used to believe in the seventies. If he believes it's got something to do with oxygen loss, he probably won't know much about therapeutic strategies either.

It's really good you managed to find someone who was willing to listen to you.

Mind you, nobody here can tell whether you're autistic or not, but with the scores you have you should definitely have an assessment.

Best wishes!

Thank you.
It is definitely my intention to get tested and get an official diagnosis, but at this point as far as I am concerned, I have ASD. I am willing to entertain other explanations, but at this point it is the best answer.

I know this is 9 months since I last posted, so I figured I should post an update.
I finally found a Doctor to do the diagnostic screening to determine if I am indeed autistic and just got the report she wrote. I am officially diagnosed with:
Autism Spectrum disorder, level 1
Major depressive disorder, moderate to severe
General anxiety disorder.

It is a huge relief to have my self diagnosis confirmed. It is only a first step, but it is the first real progress I have had in 44 years.

Cheers on the diagnosis! It feels good to have a starting point, doesn't it?

There can be a lot of feelings bouncing around when you reevaluate your life experiences in the light of an autism diagnosis. Just try to be patient with yourself and hang in there.

I am happy for you, a correct diagnosis leads to a lot better life strategies.

Thanks. Yes it does feel good to know why I am the way I am. it takes a lot of guilt off my shoulders and lets me stop blaming myself for not being able to do what I thought I should be able to do. I always felt like a failure because I couldn't do the things most "normal" people could. I was constantly told that I was just lazy and not trying hard enough.

Meanwhile I felt like I was trying as hard as I could, but when I hit my limits, I just shut down and everything fell apart and I blamed myself because I thought I should have been able to handle it. That sent me into a spiral of guilt and depression. Now I see that I was actually able to accomplish so much just from sheer force of will to overcome my limitations.

The biggest thing is now I am able to start dealing with the massive guilt that has paralyzed me for so long.