Is he ghosting on my other friends and I?

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Summer_Twilight
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06 Sep 2017, 7:52 am

A friend of mine recently moved to another part of my city which is a great distance and unreachable by public transportation due to get a new job last year. He also has gotten involved with a church and has been dating someone for several months. Since then, he has been:
1. Ignoring or being slow in getting back to my other friends and me
2. Never has time like he used to
3. Made plans with us but had set it up to go on a date with his girlfriend behind our backs while telling us that his party was still on.


Last Friday, he acted really strange when another friend and I attempted to text him and see how he's doing along wanting to know how things are going between him and his girlfriend who none of us have ever met.

At first, he said answered right away and when we asked about how things were going and how long they had been together now, he got really evasive with us by talking around the question. "Don't tell anyone" and just ignored my other friend's texts after that.

Can anyone explain this?



the_phoenix
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06 Sep 2017, 8:44 pm

1) It's none of my business to take guesses as to some stranger's girlfriend.
2) From your friend's non-responsiveness ... it's none of your business, either.

When people move away, they often drift apart from the friends they leave behind.



Summer_Twilight
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07 Sep 2017, 5:13 am

This is sad because
A. I thought he was our friend and made all kinds of time for us.
B.Before he moved up to this new area he barely made connections with people, get a girl and was very shy. Why, when we went to his housewarming party, a majority of the people either refused or bailed on him. Since he's been going to this new church, he's met a girlfriend and other new friends and suddenly doesn't have time for us.

I am also mad at him because it's like he's forgotten about all the people who had his back for years when he was rejected by other women along with having people turn him down because of him being different.

Finally, I am mad at him because I feel that he hasn't been respected my friends and I as people while he's off in his own little world.

Now I get that getting married and starting a family is his number 1 priority but I don't understand why he could turn around and pull this. I really thought that he was our friend and I would like to say something about how I am feeling but I have been trying to give him space. However, if there is anything appropriate, what could I say? (Not confrontational).



the_phoenix
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07 Sep 2017, 9:38 pm

Now that you've explained more, it's easier to understand.

Basically, when your friend lived near you, he was mostly considered a social loser and when people treated him badly, he turned to you and your mutual friends for support. Then, he joins a church, gets a girl, makes new friends, and suddenly is now a winner and a success.

So now, when he thinks back to his past life of being a loser, he gets embarrassed and wants nothing to do with his former life. The sad part is, his former life included you and your mutual friends ... but he wants to put all of you in the past because it's too painful to remember. And why would he want to remember, now that his future looks bright?

Is that fair to you?
No.
Of course not.

It's often how life is though ... you're not the only one this has happened to, and it's nothing personal against you.

If you try to confront him, it's very likely that he simply won't care. Or, he may get mad.

Sometimes, you need to make your own closure, heal, move on, be at peace with yourself.
... Sometimes, there is no "right thing to say."

Now look at it this way ... this guy was considered a loser, and he was able to improve his life.
That means, there's hope. You can improve your life too.
(Not to single you out ... same with me, I've faced setbacks I've had to overcome and areas I needed to improve ... and I still do have areas where there's room for improvement.)
Maybe not the same way. But ... your way.
And that seems even better. 8)



Summer_Twilight
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08 Sep 2017, 5:19 am

My life has been improving for me having a career and finishing the last year of my degree. Believe me, I don't really have a lot of time to really chase him or really worry about him being a jerk to my friends and I. However, he and I been friends for over 13 years so he's like my brother and for him to blow us off due as he turns out to be a social climber makes me mad and sad because it shows me how shallow he really is. Just because he's successful now doesn't justify the fact that he can be mean.

What I am the most upset about is the fact that it's hard for me to find and keep friends and especially when they move into a new phase of their lives. I would really like a lifelong friend who isn't going to choose their new priority over me and suddenly treat me like a joke or a piece of trash.


On the other hand, I understand why he would ignore me which is for two reasons:
1. Every time we were together, he kept hinting that we have sex by asking me uncomfortable questions.
2. There was a time that he looked at me as potential dating material and I just never had those feelings for him.

Now regarding being confrontational, I would rather drop him one email by saying something nice like
"Listen, we are happy for you that you finally found your niche in life and we want you to continue to succeed. If you need anything, then please give us a call."