Wishing I died ten years ago

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If I knew my life was going to be what it has become now, I wish I would've died ten years ago. I've had clinical depression since I was 17 and no medicine or therapy has been able to cure me. I have tried various ways to get out of my rut but I always get disappointing results and dead ends. I wake up every day feeling empty and alone since I have no friends close by nor do I have a girlfriend. I especially feel despondent how I never dated or had sexual experiences in my developmental years as well as my adolescence. When I hear or read stories from people younger than me who did all those things and still are, it makes me wonder what's so wrong with me that I couldn't have the same things. I am 29 years old and I feel like I am already paying the piper.

There is more to life than just obtaining sexual/relationship experience, I believe. Lots more.

I understand it's difficult when you're having trouble finding a lover. I do know how you feel.

Gaining knowledge is much more important than gaining a girlfriend.

I've never walked a mile in your shoes, so I can't presume to tell you you're wasting your time with your thoughts. But I do believe that there's much more to living than just having a lover---or even having a friend.

There's the world of knowledge....and there's the natural world.

I just hate how empty my life has been. I got treated poorly by sick people who just wanted me to be stupid and a mindless robot so they could manipulate me. I really wanted to be the unique kid whose voice made others stop to think and have a girl like me because I stuck out from the crowd. Instead, I was shouted down and told that I needed to be an iron pumping alpha jock if I wanted a girlfriend.

I don't want to live past my 30's if I don't establish a relationship within that time period but I am already losing hope.

I'm not even near to being a "jock." In fact, I'm pretty much a nerd. And chubby to boot!

I just wish you could find somewhere in your Bible Belt community where they have other people interested in intellectual things. I would gravitate towards the university towns if I were you.

It's probably been told to you by many people. You should seek out people with similar interests to you. I don't sense any other solution to you dilemma.

Have you gone to a therapist to work out any of your depression issues? Have you tried learning the skills you're lacking in some way? I've learned a lot from my therapist, books, and websites on self-esteem, social skills, dating, etc. and turned my life around massively. You've made a lot of threads that I've replied to now, and again, you remind me a lot of myself when I was younger. I think you've most likely simply missed out on opportunities I've had. It's not too late. It never is.

Trust me, I've tried to seek out people with similar interests. They either don't want to hang out or turn me down. I thought I was going to make a new friend and possible girlfriend at Barnes and Noble because she liked anime and manga as well but told me she was "too busy" when I offered to get her coffee. Someone else turned me down because she told me she and her twin are afraid of other people. I respect their choice but it still makes me feel like I can't make new friends.



I mentioned in my first post I have been in therapy for the last ten years of my life. Even when I try utilizing the advice, I still get dead ends. I feel like I've exhausted all options and that all I have to look forward to is my death. Whenever I read or hear stories from those who are 18-22 how they dated and had sex a lot in those years while I was struggling to even get a date just makes me wonder what is so wrong with me. Even at my age (29), I still feel like a lost soul.

Nothing happened for me till I was 30.

With me it was excessive shyness, and evidently an inexplicable fear of intimacy. ...like the time in 1st grade, when a girl asked me if she could be my girlfriend, and I said I'd think about it. (...knowing that there was nothing to think about, because it was impermissible, not allowed).

I suppose that anyone, over the years, is approached by a number of persons of the opposite sex. I was, and I rejected the approach every time, because either I couldn't believe that she could be approaching me, or I (when I was a kid) was afraid an adult would intercede, or I was just, for some reason, afraid of intimacy.

I wrote some of the instances down, and there were lots of them.

When I was in highschool, I wanted to die (but didn't accept the associated risks), but it's probably better that I didn't, so that I could eventually, later, have a chance to figure out what happened, what went wrong. ...which of course is why I'm at this website.

Michael829


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Meathead self-proclaimed alphas deal with rejection too (further, how can they really be 'alphas' when they're always imitative clones?).

Don't sip the red kool-aid, whatever you do.

If one maintains one's "alpha" characteristics in their 30's, one would look like a total fool.

When one is 70, one might turn into Donald Trump.

Also, you guys are wrecking my keyboard. I need to stop drinking soda while posting here.

Oops, sorry, I missed that part somehow. Sorry to pry, but what exactly happened at those therapy sessions? I went to 4-5 therapists that were of little to no use before I found a really good one that was key in turning my life around.

I'm pretty lonely too, 33, never had a girlfriend and what little sex I've had were overall pretty terrible experiences that I'd gladly wipe from my memory.

Some years ago I almost got murdered by my own blood (apparently I'm a mutant and it's causing some blood coagulation issues), and it occurred to me often since then to just stop taking my pills and let it happen (call it suicide by mutation I guess). I actually went through with it once, got myself a major pulmonary embolism and I thought it was finally over, but in the end I got myself to a hospital and got myself patched up.

Know why? Cause life means options, while death is a pretty permanent way to shut those down. And that's my tip to you: keep those options open.

The first two therapists were nice but didn't really help. They just said things like "Not everyone your age is dating. In fact, the majority don't." but I saw the opposite happening all around me. The third one pretty much just listened to me and didn't really offer any advice. The fourth one was a man and he called me a "douchebag" indirectly. My fifth and still current therapist has been the most helpful but I live in such a f****d up culture, my family environment is toxic, and things just don't go the way they should go so I am still depressed.

For the middle class and rich maybe. Poor people pretty much only have relationships and sex to look forward to offset their horrible jobs and lack of money to do things.

The therapist who helped me specializes in autism; the rest didn't. Does yours? What does (s)he have you do? Mine helped bring my thoughts from catastrophizing to reality, dealt with other mental problems I had, suggested how to talk to and relate to people, and helped me set and reach goals.

Therapists have been unhelpful for me too.