Feel Uncomfortable after Confronting Bullies

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I've been having some difficulties with bullies. I've decided I want to fight against them because I have the confidence, I just lack the understanding of their social cues and I don't know when to respond. I also hate fighting, as it gets me nowhere and is a loss for both parties, even the one who wins, especially if both sides fight.

I've struggled with this for a long time and I wanted to post it here because I feel like a lot of people will relate, as a lot of us are neutral people it seems. I've been in conflict with a low functioning borderline personality disorder "sufferer" who has consistently abused me physically, verbally, psychologically, every time I see her. I'm male and she's female, and as sexist as this sounds I don't want to get in arguments with her because of that. I don't want to punch her but she's physically injured me. I also can't stand swearing or fighting with people. And before you ask, I can separate but will have to sacrifice some things I want like the location I'm trying to get to. She stalks and when she's not doing that, she works on the path to my location. I need to get somewhere and she sits there, not on purpose, just through circumstance.

As I said before, I don't have too many issues with confidence. The "insults" don't even bother me as much as the confrontation itself does. I get severe anxiety when thinking about confrontation with anyone. The MOMENT I start bringing up possible comebacks for the next day (their attacks are recurring) then I start getting nervous. However, the MOMENT I decide I will ignore and not say anything, I instantly feel relaxed and a little nervous. I can't really do that anymore because I've made the decision to fight back and I really want to but I'm not sure it's the best course of action. She is emotionally volatile but hides it like a pro. I am terrible at hiding my emotions and though my affect doesn't say much apparently my body language does, to other people at least.

Some areas I'm having trouble with currently:
1. Shaking when in arguments
2. Awkwardness after finally standing up for myself (I'll explain that specifically)
3. I don't know how to transition between my calm quiet spinelessness to aggressive and defensive. I look like a creep when I suddenly blow up with insults and comebacks but I am mostly in control, I'm just doing it on purpose because I don't know what else to do.
4. People say certain words that are very effective, I don't know what to say, though I can come up with pretty creative insults they never seem to have any context.
5. I will falter when I get too nervous.
6. I am afraid of pushing them to a physical confrontation, so in that case I have a stick and it works.
7. I fear for my things and I CANT stand being touched. When I insult people they sometimes play with my stuff when I'm sitting somewhere. I can't stand that and it will end any sort of self control I have over myself. I also get touched by them.
8. I am so bad at reading people, I can't tell the difference between a frown and a smile (almost).
9. I don't know how to respond to SUDDEN out of the blue comments. Sometimes I get a random "go **** yourself" or "go **** your friends" all kinds of stuff. It's not the insults that bother me but the comments.
10. When I spend time thinking of comebacks at home I get nervous as hell. I also have trouble controlling when to stop and start thinking about them after a certain time. I start brooding about the comments AND the person.
11. My heart beat goes crazy and my muscles seem to outright fail. Any way to fix this? Breathing doesn't work because I'm busy trying to say the actual response in a verbal confrontation. I swallow 10-20 times a minute.

Hopefully this gives a picture of the issue I'm having and will see if anyone can relate and has any advice. I'm tired of being used like this and I'm shy as hell in public. My first response to any insult is "I'm sorry" and I just wish I could yell "f**k you" to them without all the negative side effects. And as I said before, the "aftermath" the quiet silence that follows with me sitting there shaking like a bastard and the "bully" sitting there stunned is what really drains my energy. I don't know why that's the hardest part. If it was just one time it would be easy but I have to sit with these people. I want to fight back and "equalize" the situation so I can gain better respect for myself but I end up damaging myself more in the process. I'm stuck wondering if it's worth it. I feel like it would be worth it in a logical sense because I could just go back to my normal behavior afterwards but emotionally my mind disagrees. I become a different person and I feel extremely uncomfortable.

Edit: Now that I think about it I probably should've posted this in the Schools and Work section.

Do you have someone you can trust to go with you that way you can have some form of support. Because I've read your entire post, and to be honest I'm confused as to how to find a solution. It's like no matter what you do you'll always be on the losing side. If it was me I'll avoid any form of confrontation if possible because that's what they' re actually looking for, it doesn't matter who gets on top. The fact that they got you to engage is already a win for them. I mean WTF. And to think that your bully is female. You're automatically the bad guy. I've read the term grey rock on the internet but it's harder to do than they say on the internet. Sorry, if I'm no help at all.

This is pretty helpful. I've sort of come to that conclusion as well. The automatic losing situation. I do have one alternative but the problem with that is once she discovers my plan she'll know where to find me and exactly what to say. I CAN record her but even if I have proof there's not much I can do with it it seems.

My plan is to "flip" the tables on them. If I can make them come after me then I can tell them that "I don't want to interact with you, go away" kind of scenario. Right now, she wont stop because she thinks I owe her something for some reason. Apparently that's how a lot of these Personality disorders work.

It sounds as if you have the circuits for getting irritated pretty functional, but not the usual ones for doing something about it. It is unfortunate, but most people understand how to respond to teasing in a way that restores homogenity to a peer group. They then develop a reflex to tease anything that seems different and defenseless.

I have one friend who, long ago, was seized by inspiration when he saw an electric-fence circuit in a magazine. He built it, and wired it to the brass nozzle of his squirt gun. (they were all automatic pistol size then) He filled it with salt water as a conductor, and with no testing at all, went out to bait his bullies. It worked perfectly, scattering them with howls, as he ran the other way. He feared a massive counterattack, but he was never bothered again.

Can you play the clown? Exaggerate whatever they tease about, as if it is an act you put on all the time, just not usually well enough to bother watching? What we need here is some sort of paradigm shift to move the conflict to somewhere winnable. Maybe just a single response - "I don't owe you anything" in a neutral monotone, giving your best impression of a robot would wear them out. Maybe you can impress them with your focus and/or ability on something else. Or, maybe you can just get spiritual, and decide they don't really matter.

Best Luck,

That reminds me of something that I used to do with my bullies:

When I was young, I used to go to the local pool during the summer. Unfortunately, I was the nerdy fat kid that bullies just loved to pick on. Well, after a particularly bad summer, I decided to take the fight to them. What I did is to actively harvest poison ivy and poison oak from different areas that I had access to. I then applied my laboratory skills in separating the poisons from the bulk plant material. The liquid was concentrated down for storage and diluted when used in my squirt gun during the summer. I wanted to get the most use out of the liquid as it is a pain in the @ss to harvest/separate/store correctly.

What I would do is to target one bully at a time at the pool. I would act like I was crying as I walked out of the pool as I was being picked on. What they did not see in this act is that I had squirted their bathing towel as I walked by it. I then watched from a nearby location that they could not spot me from. Well, when the lifeguards tweeted that it was time to take a break, the bully would go and lie down on his towel. Pretty soon, they had rashes from head to toe. I have to say I do not condone doing this now, as it could be potentially very dangerous (life threatening) if the target happens to be quite allergic to the poisons. Unfortunately, some of my bullies were never smart enough to realize that playing with me was not the thing to do.

I recently discovered Sacha Slone and her amazing YouTube videos.
Hope this one makes you smile.

It's titled: "How to Shock a Narcissist So Much They Pee Their Pants"

If this one lady is constantly harassing you and following you (which is stalking) and injuring you (which is assault), you could call the police. Maybe you can wear a video camera that's undetectable. You might not be able to record conversations where you live, but you can record unscheduled experiences that may contain conversations in them. Heck, maybe you could blackmail her instead of going to the police (that last part was just a joke.....maybe).

I don't know how things work where you are OP, though here, it is possible and relatively easy to apply for and get a restraining order from the Court for situations like this, and if the person continues to follow or contact you, they are in contempt of court (and there are penalties for that). Other orders that we can seek here are Protection and/or Trespass orders, and once the court grants them, the orders are served on the offender directly by the police. However this remedy may be unavailable to you.

It sounds as if this situation has very adversely affected you, which is not surprising, and if you must interact with this person at all, then avoid back and forth dialogue altogether and just utter the same one or two phrases as many times as necessary, and these phrases should be simple and direct, eg "Stay away from me and don't contact me again". Broken record the same phrase every time.

Your upset and engagement with her is her pay off for her behaviours. So cut off the pay-offs as completely as you can - having a plan will help. Behavioural psychology predicts that at first she will intensify her attempts to get a pay off from you, briefly, and if that doesn't work, she will "extinguish" (eg stop) her problem behaviour. You will have to be consistent, no exceptions.

PS: Your thread is ok in this forum, it has some relevance to the issues people on the spectrum face.

I feel for you, it is a very stressful situation to be in. You need to manage the stress you have already stored up too, by good self care as far as you are able and maybe something like listening to deep relaxation tapes. Best wishes with resolving this.