AS boyfriend obsessed with women

Page 1 of 3 [ 35 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

onigirias
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 12 Sep 2017
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

13 Sep 2017, 2:12 am

I would just like to ask whether it's a trend that people with AS tend to have a wandering eye. My boyfriend has a history of sleeping with tons of girls (like 25 in the past 4 years). I know for a fact that upon meeting me he really did think I was different (I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about) but part of me thinks he only likes me because I to have AS (albeit mild). I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special. We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive and that he tried being with other girls with me but felt horrible and would not want me to sleep with anybody else either. We are pretty serious, I've stayed with his family, am traveling with his mom, and hung out with all his friends.

But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?



Chichikov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 994
Location: UK

13 Sep 2017, 3:34 am

Not really AS related, just seems like he isn't mature enough to have a proper relationship with you (at least not the kind you seem to want). Your boyfriend shouldn't be doing things that make you feel uncomfortable, he actually sounds a bit creepy to be honest.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,744
Location: Sweden

13 Sep 2017, 4:52 am

Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too. People that are polyamory can still have monogamous relationships, but it's not optimal.



Chichikov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 994
Location: UK

13 Sep 2017, 6:02 am

rdos wrote:
Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too.

Is it? Just did some searching and couldn't find anything that says that is the case.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,744
Location: Sweden

13 Sep 2017, 6:31 am

Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too.

Is it? Just did some searching and couldn't find anything that says that is the case.


Not yet published, but on peer-review.

You might check this out too: Barnett J.P., & Maticka-Tyndale E. (2015). Qualitative exploration of sexual experiences
among adults on the autism spectrum: implications for sex education. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 47(4), 1–9.

Can also be found in the Aspie Quiz evaluation: http://www.rdos.net/eng/aspeval/#780



Chichikov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 994
Location: UK

13 Sep 2017, 6:41 am

rdos wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too.

Is it? Just did some searching and couldn't find anything that says that is the case.


Not yet published, but on peer-review.

You might check this out too: Barnett J.P., & Maticka-Tyndale E. (2015). Qualitative exploration of sexual experiences
among adults on the autism spectrum: implications for sex education. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 47(4), 1–9.

Can also be found in the Aspie Quiz evaluation: http://www.rdos.net/eng/aspeval/#780

A non-published, non-peer reviewed study of 24 people that self-identify as having ASD shows they are less likely to identify as heterosexual....and you translate that to meaning that polyamory is an ND trait?



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,527
Location: PA, USA

13 Sep 2017, 7:13 am

GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.

Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 56
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,744
Location: Sweden

13 Sep 2017, 8:53 am

Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too.

Is it? Just did some searching and couldn't find anything that says that is the case.


Not yet published, but on peer-review.

You might check this out too: Barnett J.P., & Maticka-Tyndale E. (2015). Qualitative exploration of sexual experiences
among adults on the autism spectrum: implications for sex education. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 47(4), 1–9.

Can also be found in the Aspie Quiz evaluation: http://www.rdos.net/eng/aspeval/#780

A non-published, non-peer reviewed study of 24 people that self-identify as having ASD shows they are less likely to identify as heterosexual....and you translate that to meaning that polyamory is an ND trait?


I can see that your search techniques need some improvement. The Barnett & Tyndale study IS published and peer-reviewed. Why else do you think I referenced it? :roll:

The study that is on peer-review has N=12,000. The link to the evaluation also has N >> 1,000.



Chichikov
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Mar 2016
Age: 43
Gender: Male
Posts: 994
Location: UK

13 Sep 2017, 8:56 am

rdos wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
rdos wrote:
Being polyamory is a neurodiverse trait, and thus, is related to AS too.

Is it? Just did some searching and couldn't find anything that says that is the case.


Not yet published, but on peer-review.

You might check this out too: Barnett J.P., & Maticka-Tyndale E. (2015). Qualitative exploration of sexual experiences
among adults on the autism spectrum: implications for sex education. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health 47(4), 1–9.

Can also be found in the Aspie Quiz evaluation: http://www.rdos.net/eng/aspeval/#780

A non-published, non-peer reviewed study of 24 people that self-identify as having ASD shows they are less likely to identify as heterosexual....and you translate that to meaning that polyamory is an ND trait?


I can see that your search techniques need some improvement. The Barnett & Tyndale study IS published and peer-reviewed. Why else do you think I referenced it? :roll:

The study that is on peer-review has N=12,000. The link to the evaluation also has N >> 1,000.


Apologies, in light of that information let me reevaluate my opinions.

A study of 24 people that self-identify as having ASD shows they are less likely to identify as heterosexual....and you translate that to meaning that polyamory is an ND trait?



SixthTitan
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 44

13 Sep 2017, 9:07 am

Every Romantic relationship has a honey moon phase and girl you're having one right now.
You're thinking nothing can go wrong between us, he's perfect in every way.

After the honey moon period ends, things between you to will change as you begin to see the real side of the relationship.

(I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about)
No one truly knows if he/she is the 'One" by a simple glance.
It takes time to discover that.

I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special.
He thinks of you simply as his companion to keep him occupied, his happiness is dependent on you.

We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive
How long have you too been dating? Seems like he's rushing things.
I know you may be tempted right now to agree but that's just the honey moon phase kicking in.
Right now everything about the relationship feels so good to you, it's pretty much a drug. But that drug will eventually run out.

Either way, if you've not been dating for years and years it's definitely way to early to start a serious commitment like that. Who knows, someone else better may come along between that time and if you're in a commitment, well then you're not going to be able to ever find out if they are really the one for you. You will also likely feel trapped in a commitment when you're not prepared.

But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls.
I believe all guys in general do that, I can't even walk across the street without someone staring at me. You just get used to it.

He would not want me to sleep with anybody else either.
Having a partner who's Insecure is bad for relationships, that being said don't cheat and sleep with someone else but you can't control other people's actions.


I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly

You need to confront him and talk to him about how you feel about him sending pictures of other girls.

Even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is.
He is not the one for you honey, am just gonna leave it at that if he's so "comfortable" being single then why are you to dating? Why not let him be single and cut ties with him completely? He sounds very immature and needs to grow up. You're not his mother and it's not your job to keep him entertained.

onigirias wrote:
I would just like to ask whether it's a trend that people with AS tend to have a wandering eye. My boyfriend has a history of sleeping with tons of girls (like 25 in the past 4 years). I know for a fact that upon meeting me he really did think I was different (I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about) but part of me thinks he only likes me because I to have AS (albeit mild). I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special. We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive and that he tried being with other girls with me but felt horrible and would not want me to sleep with anybody else either. We are pretty serious, I've stayed with his family, am traveling with his mom, and hung out with all his friends.

But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,865

13 Sep 2017, 9:32 am

BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.

Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.


Yes, many men (and women) do but most decent men do not do it in the presence of their partner or at least do it as subtlely as possible. I personally would NEVER ever mention or comment that I was checking out another woman to my wife.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 36,957
Location: Queens, NYC

13 Sep 2017, 10:07 am

Not a wise thing to do in the presence of your lover.....



onigirias
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 12 Sep 2017
Age: 20
Gender: Female
Posts: 7

13 Sep 2017, 11:57 am

SixthTitan wrote:
Every Romantic relationship has a honey moon phase and girl you're having one right now.
You're thinking nothing can go wrong between us, he's perfect in every way.

After the honey moon period ends, things between you to will change as you begin to see the real side of the relationship.

(I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about)
No one truly knows if he/she is the 'One" by a simple glance.
It takes time to discover that.

I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special.
He thinks of you simply as his companion to keep him occupied, his happiness is dependent on you.

We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive
How long have you too been dating? Seems like he's rushing things.
I know you may be tempted right now to agree but that's just the honey moon phase kicking in.
Right now everything about the relationship feels so good to you, it's pretty much a drug. But that drug will eventually run out.

Either way, if you've not been dating for years and years it's definitely way to early to start a serious commitment like that. Who knows, someone else better may come along between that time and if you're in a commitment, well then you're not going to be able to ever find out if they are really the one for you. You will also likely feel trapped in a commitment when you're not prepared.

But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls.
I believe all guys in general do that, I can't even walk across the street without someone staring at me. You just get used to it.

He would not want me to sleep with anybody else either.
Having a partner who's Insecure is bad for relationships, that being said don't cheat and sleep with someone else but you can't control other people's actions.


I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly

You need to confront him and talk to him about how you feel about him sending pictures of other girls.

Even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is.
He is not the one for you honey, am just gonna leave it at that if he's so "comfortable" being single then why are you to dating? Why not let him be single and cut ties with him completely? He sounds very immature and needs to grow up. You're not his mother and it's not your job to keep him entertained.


Thanks for looking out for me but I think you're being a little harsh. We knew each other for about 5 months before we started dating, and we are long distance so we kind of had to decide whether we were going to go out our way to see each other. I do agree that he's immature--he told me he's changed his mind because he thinks I'm what's 'best' for him (probably because I'm smart and actually care about him) but this answer also peeves me. I don't want to be somebody's brussel sprouts that they eat unwillingly when they're lusting after the chocolate ice cream.

I hope I don't sound like I'm in denial when I say I truly think that many people with AS run away from commitment--many prefer being single and casual rather than with someone and turbulent.



GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,865

13 Sep 2017, 12:30 pm

onigirias wrote:
I hope I don't sound like I'm in denial when I say I truly think that many people with AS run away from commitment--many prefer being single and casual rather than with someone and turbulent.

In my experience it is quite the opposite. We aspies are almost universally too loyal for our own good. While we can be a bit difficult in some areas, lack of loyalty and infidelity are two traits that I have never seen from any aspie.

Quote:
I don't want to be somebody's brussel sprouts that they eat unwillingly when they're lusting after the chocolate ice cream.

Yet that is exactly what is happening in this situation. You even said yourself that he is immature. Do you honestly think you can changed him? I certainly don't want to sound rude but this sounds like yet another train wreck waiting to happen.

I agree with the person who said he sounds like he needs a mother more than a girlfriend.



kraftiekortie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Feb 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 36,957
Location: Queens, NYC

13 Sep 2017, 12:32 pm

I like Brussels Sprouts....