AS boyfriend obsessed with women
Sweetleaf
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Age: 34
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Location: Somewhere in Colorado
13 Sep 2017, 12:43 pm
SixthTitan wrote:
We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive
How long have you too been dating? Seems like he's rushing things.
I know you may be tempted right now to agree but that's just the honey moon phase kicking in.
Right now everything about the relationship feels so good to you, it's pretty much a drug. But that drug will eventually run out.
Either way, if you've not been dating for years and years it's definitely way to early to start a serious commitment like that. Who knows, someone else better may come along between that time and if you're in a commitment, well then you're not going to be able to ever find out if they are really the one for you. You will also likely feel trapped in a commitment when you're not prepared.
How long have you too been dating? Seems like he's rushing things.
I know you may be tempted right now to agree but that's just the honey moon phase kicking in.
Right now everything about the relationship feels so good to you, it's pretty much a drug. But that drug will eventually run out.
Either way, if you've not been dating for years and years it's definitely way to early to start a serious commitment like that. Who knows, someone else better may come along between that time and if you're in a commitment, well then you're not going to be able to ever find out if they are really the one for you. You will also likely feel trapped in a commitment when you're not prepared.
I don't know about that, me and my boyfriend decided we wanted to be exclusive within a week, we had no interest in 'looking at other options' and its been going well for two years....and we plan to continue the commitment. Doesn't feel like any trap but we were prepared, and wanted a serious relationship at the time. He was going to meet up with a couple other people he had talked to online that week, but when me and him met in person he didn't have any interest in still doing that because he specifically liked me.
If the OPs boyfriend is exchanging pictures of hot girls with his friends and even joking about breaking up so he could pursue someone who looks more like them or whatever...then it is a bit hard to believe he really wants a serious commitment with her. But I don't think you have to be dating for years to be exclusive.
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Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
13 Sep 2017, 12:55 pm
BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
A wandering eye is one thing, I mean hell even in a serious relationship I still notice if I find guys aside from my boyfriend attractive, but I move on...I don't actually consider 'oh what if I was with them' even for a second or exchange pictures of guys I find attractive with friends to talk about how hot they are and make jokes that I might leave my boyfriend to get with someone looking more like them'
So yes by all means it is best to tolerate a wandering eye, the part of the brain that acknowledges when someone looks attractive doesn't switch off when you are in a relationship...so it is too much to expect your girlfriend or boyfriend to only see you as attractive. But I certainly would not recommend tolerating immature or creepy behavior in regards to the wandering eye.
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We won't go back.
13 Sep 2017, 12:59 pm
BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Correct.
All the studies I've read say that Autistic MALES can be Polyamory.
The same studies described Autistic FEMALES exclusively as monogamous and being completely loyal to their significant other.
13 Sep 2017, 1:27 pm
Wonder if this is related to hypersexuality?
My dad is on the spectrum (so is my brother and I)...and my dad has a long history of cheating, he was definitely poly-amorous...
I am hypersexual as well, but I am just too obsessed with my strict moral code (especially after seeing how my parents' marriage crashed and burned), so I have never ever considered sleeping around, though I have been fantasizing about sex since I was a pre-teen. I think about sex every couple hours, and get aroused very easily (masturbation is something I cannot live without)...but I managed to keep my legs shut all these years (I'm 32). My code dictates that all my sexual energy is only going to go to one person, the person I'm committed to, but my imagination is allowed to get as wild as it wants to be.
13 Sep 2017, 2:40 pm
ShyGirl7 wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Correct.
All the studies I've read say that Autistic MALES can be Polyamory.
The same studies described Autistic FEMALES exclusively as monogamous and being completely loyal to their significant other.
I think that is incorrect. It's even the reverse. Females (both ND and NT) are more likely to be polyamory.
However, there is one difference in the expression between neurodiverse males and females. Polyamory, neurodiverse males are more likely to have their additional love at a distance only.
Besides, polyamory has nothing to do with being loyal or exclusive. It's about the possibility of being in love with more than one person at the same time. From that, it even follows that people that are actively polyamory, are more likely to stay loyal (as in not breaking-up) than people that are monogamous. That's because monogamous people break up when they find somebody new while polyamorous add another partner.
13 Sep 2017, 2:55 pm
ShyGirl7 wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Correct.
All the studies I've read say that Autistic MALES can be Polyamory.
The same studies described Autistic FEMALES exclusively as monogamous and being completely loyal to their significant other.
That's how all males and females are, it's genetics, nothing to do with autism. It gives men an evolutionary advantage to mate with as many women as possible and females gain an evolutionary advantage by selecting a single good mate.
13 Sep 2017, 3:08 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
If the OPs boyfriend is exchanging pictures of hot girls with his friends and even joking about breaking up so he could pursue someone who looks more like them or whatever...then it is a bit hard to believe he really wants a serious commitment with her. But I don't think you have to be dating for years to be exclusive.
Yeah. I think I know it's wrong. Every sign points to the fact that we should break up because he's not ready to commit, I just think he knows that if we break up now there's probably no hope for the future. As narcissistic as it may sound, I know that in many ways he'd never meet anybody else who would care so much for him. And he knows that I'd be the one that got away, LOL. So I think he's forcing himself to be with me though he isn't ready. Which puts me in a sh***y situation. I never open up to guys I date, I have a history of being very cold and keeping them at a distance and the one time I let someone in on my quirks and insecurities he can't move past the excitement of f*****g whoever he sees. (or at least screenshotting girls' pictures and showing his friends that she's interested in him)
I do think that there's a correlation between being ND and polyamorous though. I personally find it a lot easier to have shallow relationships since there's less stuff to make me obsess, become anxious or feel vulnerable about. It just sucks that we have to break up for such a dumb reason. I keep making excuses for him--though he would NEVER cheat and would just silently suffer and talk to his friends about it, I really can't deal with being his mom when I can't even take care of myself.
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
13 Sep 2017, 3:24 pm
Chichikov wrote:
ShyGirl7 wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
GUYS have a wandering eye. There are exceptions, but-- in general, that's men. The younger they are, the worse they are about it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Can't much change it. Just decide whether you're willing to tolerate it.
Correct.
All the studies I've read say that Autistic MALES can be Polyamory.
The same studies described Autistic FEMALES exclusively as monogamous and being completely loyal to their significant other.
That's how all males and females are, it's genetics, nothing to do with autism. It gives men an evolutionary advantage to mate with as many women as possible and females gain an evolutionary advantage by selecting a single good mate.
If it really is the way all humans are programmed by genetics, then why doesn't polyamory appeal to everyone? Maybe not everyone has quite the same genetics in that area.
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We won't go back.
13 Sep 2017, 3:32 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
If it really is the way all humans are programmed by genetics, then why doesn't polyamory appeal to everyone? Maybe not everyone has quite the same genetics in that area.
There is an evolutionary advantage to stay alive but people still kill themselves or ruin their lives with drugs and addictions. We're genetically programmed to look after our young yet some people kill theirs.
The only things that all humans do without exception are pay taxes and die.
Waits for someone to argue that not everyone pays taxes. It is Wrong Planet after all, where facetious humour goes to die and fallacious arguments reign supreme.
13 Sep 2017, 3:46 pm
Quote:
Polygyny is typical of one-male, multi-female groups and can be found in many species including: human, gorilla, elephant seal, red-winged warbler, house wren, hamadryas baboon, common pheasant, red deer, Bengal tiger, Xylocopa varipuncta, Anthidium manicatum and elk.
Basically, most animals are polygamous including humans because it is the best strategy to reproduce however we had social evolution, we do not need to fight for a mate anymore and need to live and work in peaceful groups.
This is a nice read: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_an ... gies_.html
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Glass is half full kinda guy, learn from things that go wrong in your life and ask for help when needed!
AQ = 43/50, EQ = 10/80, SQ = 42/80, FQ = 32/135, Eyes Test = 24/36, AspieQuiz = 101/200 - 81/200
Sweetleaf
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Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
13 Sep 2017, 4:16 pm
Chichikov wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
If it really is the way all humans are programmed by genetics, then why doesn't polyamory appeal to everyone? Maybe not everyone has quite the same genetics in that area.
There is an evolutionary advantage to stay alive but people still kill themselves or ruin their lives with drugs and addictions. We're genetically programmed to look after our young yet some people kill theirs.
The only things that all humans do without exception are pay taxes and die.
Waits for someone to argue that not everyone pays taxes. It is Wrong Planet after all, where facetious humour goes to die and fallacious arguments reign supreme.
The amount of people who prefer monogamy far surpasses the amount of people who kill their young. monogamy is not an odd outlying occurrence like killing your own child, seems common enough that its certainly possible genetics have gone both directions when it comes to humans.
_________________
We won't go back.
13 Sep 2017, 4:42 pm
Sweetleaf wrote:
Chichikov wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
If it really is the way all humans are programmed by genetics, then why doesn't polyamory appeal to everyone? Maybe not everyone has quite the same genetics in that area.
There is an evolutionary advantage to stay alive but people still kill themselves or ruin their lives with drugs and addictions. We're genetically programmed to look after our young yet some people kill theirs.
The only things that all humans do without exception are pay taxes and die.
Waits for someone to argue that not everyone pays taxes. It is Wrong Planet after all, where facetious humour goes to die and fallacious arguments reign supreme.
The amount of people who prefer monogamy far surpasses the amount of people who kill their young. monogamy is not an odd outlying occurrence like killing your own child, seems common enough that its certainly possible genetics have gone both directions when it comes to humans.
I think you misunderstood what I originally quoted. You seem to be arguing as if I said that we were genetically disposed to polyamory where that is not what I said at all.
13 Sep 2017, 7:55 pm
I have a couple of reactions to this.
First, I am curious what country you live in that a guy with pronounced Asperger's traits could have had sex with about 25 girls over 4 years. He must be the hottest thing (appearance-wise) out there so that his social skills are of no concern. Perhaps some of the younger dudes on this forum should consider moving there!
My other reaction is to describe an experience I had at the age of 24 with a young lady who I believe was on the AS although that possibility would not have been considered at the time. I posted about her here quite some time ago.
I won't go into detail about how my relationship with her started (BTW it lasted for about 2 years, please keep that in mind when reading the following).
Some of this may be due to faulty memory, however the first thing I'll mention is that right when our physical relationship began, she told me she had a "lover" with whom she would sometimes get together when she felt the urge (in fact she told me who he was, a real person). I don't think she ever told me that she would stop seeing him after having met me, but I can recall not assuming at the time that she would.
OK, that last might not seem like a big deal, I should assume she stopped seeing that guy, but there is one other story I want to share. So some time early in our relationship, she had gone to a Medievalist gathering (the aforementioned lover was also a part of the Medievalist group) and I swung by there some time later. When I got there, she walked by me holding hands with this guy whose name apparently was Warren, and I can remember she smiled at me as she went by (I can't recall her exact facial expression). So later that evening, I told her I would prefer that she not do that again in front of me. Note that I didn't say anything to her about what she might do behind my back. BTW at this point I had basically moved in with her, spending every night at her apartment.
What I find most interesting about all this is my reaction. For some reason, I did not feel especially threatened by either situation (although I was certainly peeved regarding the 2nd one, but not by any means enraged). Consider that later on, she was so convinced she and I were going to get married that she posted an engagement announcement in the local newspaper (with her mother's help).
For my part, when I was away from her, I made a couple half-hearted attempts to cheat on her (at least one would have probably succeeded had I been serious about it) but not specifically with the intention of getting even with her or for that matter any sense of guilt either.
I should mention that she apparently gave my parents the impression that she was not capable of monogamy which was one of many reasons they gave me for not marrying her (did she come on to my father?).
I don't know what conclusion to draw from all of this, just that this thread brought that to mind.
OK I guess if I have any advice, it would be to not overthink the situation. Everyone wants to know what the "right thing" is to do but sometimes there's no immediate need to do anything.
13 Sep 2017, 7:59 pm
onigirias wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
If the OPs boyfriend is exchanging pictures of hot girls with his friends and even joking about breaking up so he could pursue someone who looks more like them or whatever...then it is a bit hard to believe he really wants a serious commitment with her. But I don't think you have to be dating for years to be exclusive.
Yeah. I think I know it's wrong. Every sign points to the fact that we should break up because he's not ready to commit, I just think he knows that if we break up now there's probably no hope for the future. As narcissistic as it may sound, I know that in many ways he'd never meet anybody else who would care so much for him. And he knows that I'd be the one that got away, LOL. So I think he's forcing himself to be with me though he isn't ready. Which puts me in a sh***y situation. I never open up to guys I date, I have a history of being very cold and keeping them at a distance and the one time I let someone in on my quirks and insecurities he can't move past the excitement of f*****g whoever he sees. (or at least screenshotting girls' pictures and showing his friends that she's interested in him)
I do think that there's a correlation between being ND and polyamorous though. I personally find it a lot easier to have shallow relationships since there's less stuff to make me obsess, become anxious or feel vulnerable about. It just sucks that we have to break up for such a dumb reason. I keep making excuses for him--though he would NEVER cheat and would just silently suffer and talk to his friends about it, I really can't deal with being his mom when I can't even take care of myself.
It is hard when you find the right person at the wrong time, and that may be what has happened here. The problem with his trying to hold on when he isn't ready is that a lot of mistakes are going to pile up and become hurdles you will always have a hard time getting past, even if he matures past this stage.
I do have another thought, and that is that he seems to be treating girls and sex somewhat like an obsession or special interest. It can happen, and that would definitely get in the way of a serious relationship.
I think you are best recognizing the state of the current situation and consider separating with the idea you can check in with each other at some point down the road when you are both in more appropriate life spaces. Or agree to be friends for now, if that seems possible. Endings don't have to be forever, even if they normally are.
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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).
13 Sep 2017, 10:23 pm
onigirias wrote:
I would just like to ask whether it's a trend that people with AS tend to have a wandering eye. My boyfriend has a history of sleeping with tons of girls (like 25 in the past 4 years). I know for a fact that upon meeting me he really did think I was different (I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about) but part of me thinks he only likes me because I to have AS (albeit mild). I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special. We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive and that he tried being with other girls with me but felt horrible and would not want me to sleep with anybody else either. We are pretty serious, I've stayed with his family, am traveling with his mom, and hung out with all his friends.
But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?
But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?
Most healthy, heterosexual men are obsessed with women to some degree. However there is a difference between having desires and acting upon them. That your boyfriend texts photos of women to others is a little unusual for an adult man, and may indicate that there is an aspect of the typical AS "special interest" in that he may be treating the photos like collector cards. However, regardless, if the behavior bothers you and he is undecided on committing, those issues should be resolved before you yourself decide to commit.
14 Sep 2017, 4:01 am
Chronos wrote:
onigirias wrote:
I would just like to ask whether it's a trend that people with AS tend to have a wandering eye. My boyfriend has a history of sleeping with tons of girls (like 25 in the past 4 years). I know for a fact that upon meeting me he really did think I was different (I overheard him tell his best friend I'm the one girl he could be serious about) but part of me thinks he only likes me because I to have AS (albeit mild). I think he feels like he's finally not alone (we are similar and can talk about anything) and therefore thinks I'm special. We had a talk where he told me flat out he wanted to start being exclusive and that he tried being with other girls with me but felt horrible and would not want me to sleep with anybody else either. We are pretty serious, I've stayed with his family, am traveling with his mom, and hung out with all his friends.
But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?
But he also is obsessed with checking out other girls. I don't know if there's any correlation (because I know AS can be correlated with being unpredictable/fickle) but I have seen him texting pictures of tons of girls from school to his friends constantly, even saying that he considered breaking up so that he could go back to how comfortable being single is. I don't even know what it is, I feel like he isn't your typical horndog guy but that he honestly is constantly afraid of being lonely. I feel like he's doing this because he doesn't want to be attached. Do you think there's something else going on in his head or is he just flatout disinterested?
Most healthy, heterosexual men are obsessed with women to some degree. However there is a difference between having desires and acting upon them. That your boyfriend texts photos of women to others is a little unusual for an adult man, and may indicate that there is an aspect of the typical AS "special interest" in that he may be treating the photos like collector cards. However, regardless, if the behavior bothers you and he is undecided on committing, those issues should be resolved before you yourself decide to commit.
If you stay with him and he keeps texting his friends with pictures of other women, you're going to be that woman that everybody feels sorry for, and where people ask 'Why does she stay with him'. The pretty women are possibly a special interest, but not a special interest that is very compatible with having a stable relationship.
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I sometimes leave conversations and return after a long time. I am sorry about it, but I need a lot of time to think about it when I am not sure how I feel.
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