Asking to be left alone - is this a stalker?
22 Sep 2017, 3:07 pm
I agree any response you make, no matter how angry or how clear a rejection, will be interpreted as some level of interest. He figures as long as you're still responding, you're interested, and just pretending to be mad to egg him on and keep him talking. He's not just misinterpreting social signals, he's willfully ignoring them. Take out a retraining order to establish a record of harassment.
I know a lot of people won't like this suggestion, but if I were you, I'd buy a gun and learn to use it. Hopefully, you'll never need it. But on that one occasion when you do, you'll very much regret not having it.
It's the only thing that can make you physically equal to someone who is bigger, stronger, or more aggressive than yourself.
_________________
"I don't mean to sound bitter, cynical or cruel - but I am, so that's how it comes out." - Bill Hicks
24 Sep 2017, 12:58 pm
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
28 Sep 2017, 4:08 am
Fern wrote:
There is this guy in my exercise class who wanted to be my friend, pretty much from day 1 when I first moved here. I thought that was nice, because I was new and didn't really know anyone outside of work. He didn't have a car at the time, and lived near me, so he asked if he could catch rides with me to our class. I agreed, happy to help, and for a while would give him rides and have nice chats with him on the way there and back. He was also working on getting certified in the class, so I helped him out with the process, since I had done it years before. However, at some point he decided he wanted to start hanging out with me outside of class, asking me again and again every night if I'd go to his place or out to eat with him. I am in a committed relationship with someone else, so I openly told him that I didn't want to bail on my evening plans with my boyfriend to hang out late at night alone with another man. I also suggested we sometime get a bunch of our mutual friends to hang out with together. He said something about not liking everyone else, but in general seemed satisfied with this request.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
This man possibly has some type of personality disorder..perhaps histrionic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Due to his unhealthy behavior I think it is best to have no relationship with him.
I do not think you should feel bad about him having no way to class. You had no responsibility to give him a ride to begin with and you certainly have none now. In fact I think you have more of a responsibility to yourself to keep the kind of toxicity he introduced into your life, out of it. He is an adult and he made due without you and he can make due without you again.
28 Sep 2017, 4:11 am
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
28 Sep 2017, 12:07 pm
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
Then if he doesn't like me then why is he harassing me? What would you call that?
jrjones9933
Veteran
Joined: 13 May 2011
Age: 55
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,144
Location: The end of the northwest passage
28 Sep 2017, 7:04 pm
He's objectifying you. I mean, he doesn't care about your free will to some extent. You have done well to avoid him, and I'd suggest avoiding anyone who doesn't care about your will, and sees you as only a way for them to fulfill some need that they have.
You don't deserve to be treated like that.
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"I find that the best way [to increase self-confidence] is to lie to yourself about who you are, what you've done, and where you're going." - Richard Ayoade
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
28 Sep 2017, 7:37 pm
I do not think you did anything wrong here...that guy sounds like a jerk who can't respect other people.
I mean he must have been getting to the gym or whatever somehow before you moved there...is there a bus system? Also how is it your problem he's mad at another person who he can get rides from and thus refuses to ride with them?...that doesn't entitle you to be an on call taxi for him, which it seems like he is trying to use you for.
So yeah it sucks, and he may even be going through a hard time and some turmoil, but he's not being a good friend to you and you have to look out for you to. I'd just move on from this guy, unless he apologizes and starts respecting boundaries you have like already being in a committed relationship.
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We won't go back.
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
28 Sep 2017, 7:43 pm
Chronos wrote:
Fern wrote:
There is this guy in my exercise class who wanted to be my friend, pretty much from day 1 when I first moved here. I thought that was nice, because I was new and didn't really know anyone outside of work. He didn't have a car at the time, and lived near me, so he asked if he could catch rides with me to our class. I agreed, happy to help, and for a while would give him rides and have nice chats with him on the way there and back. He was also working on getting certified in the class, so I helped him out with the process, since I had done it years before. However, at some point he decided he wanted to start hanging out with me outside of class, asking me again and again every night if I'd go to his place or out to eat with him. I am in a committed relationship with someone else, so I openly told him that I didn't want to bail on my evening plans with my boyfriend to hang out late at night alone with another man. I also suggested we sometime get a bunch of our mutual friends to hang out with together. He said something about not liking everyone else, but in general seemed satisfied with this request.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
This man possibly has some type of personality disorder..perhaps histrionic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Due to his unhealthy behavior I think it is best to have no relationship with him.
I do not think you should feel bad about him having no way to class. You had no responsibility to give him a ride to begin with and you certainly have none now. In fact I think you have more of a responsibility to yourself to keep the kind of toxicity he introduced into your life, out of it. He is an adult and he made due without you and he can make due without you again.
Could be, but people with personality disorders can certainly educate themselves about it and work on things to treat people right...so while I agree it's possible, I just hate to see everyone with a PD stigmatized, because they can address it and work on it. But yeah at the same time if they are not doing that and acting stalkerish or abusive you can't just look past that and let them mistreat you.
_________________
We won't go back.
28 Sep 2017, 11:55 pm
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
Then if he doesn't like me then why is he harassing me? What would you call that?
Good question. I don't mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he isn't attracted to you or interested in you. I mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he is not concerned about your best interest or well being.
29 Sep 2017, 12:42 am
Sweetleaf wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Fern wrote:
There is this guy in my exercise class who wanted to be my friend, pretty much from day 1 when I first moved here. I thought that was nice, because I was new and didn't really know anyone outside of work. He didn't have a car at the time, and lived near me, so he asked if he could catch rides with me to our class. I agreed, happy to help, and for a while would give him rides and have nice chats with him on the way there and back. He was also working on getting certified in the class, so I helped him out with the process, since I had done it years before. However, at some point he decided he wanted to start hanging out with me outside of class, asking me again and again every night if I'd go to his place or out to eat with him. I am in a committed relationship with someone else, so I openly told him that I didn't want to bail on my evening plans with my boyfriend to hang out late at night alone with another man. I also suggested we sometime get a bunch of our mutual friends to hang out with together. He said something about not liking everyone else, but in general seemed satisfied with this request.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
...but then he started sending me long texts about things he was going through in the evenings, and about how he was mad at the other guy who gave him free rides, and only wanted free rides from me because of that. My phone would beep and beep and beep while I was with my boyfriend. After a while, my boyfriend was like "Oh- it's him again?" I started turning my phone on silent while I was with my boyfriend and ignoring ride-guy's texts. ...but then he started getting mad if I didn't immediately return his messages, and would punish me by sending texts like "I don't know if you just hate me or what, but this is an emergency" ...which it never was. I finally had to ask him to text me less, because it was disrupting my private life constantly being on my phone. He must have gotten mad, then gotten over it, because he unfriended me on facebook, then immediately friended me back again that evening. I didn't accept. It was starting to get weird.
By random coincidence, I broke my toe that week, and so I couldn't go to the exercise class for a while (doctor's orders). I thought maybe this would give me a convenient opportunity to break-away from spending time with this guy. I had physical therapy at the same time as regular class, so when ride-guy inquired, I told him he would have to find some other way to get there, like he had before I moved to this place. He said "But when will you be back to class? Your foot doesn't seem too bad to me. I really need your ride." etc. etc. etc.
I will admit, I lost my temper at this point, so I responded (in text) "I need to take care of myself right now. It's not my responsibility to give you rides everywhere. If you want to exercise there so badly, figure out a plan to get there that doesn't rely on other people driving you."
He responded by saying "I can't believe you are calling me an infant" ...which I didn't call him, and then he said "Lately the things you say to me really hurt me. I think I am done with you."
So my foot is healed and this week I went back to the exercise class. Ride-guy wasn't there, but people have been making weird comments about his absence. Apparently, they thought that ride-guy was my boyfriend and that I broke up with him and told him to stop coming or something..... =_= I don't know if it is weirder to talk about it or weirder to be quiet about it, since no one has asked me directly.
I feel bad that he can't get to class anymore, but he kind of backed me into a corner. I tried to be clear from day one that I was not romantically interested in him, but he almost got possessive over my time, even showed up at work to tell me about his personal things (...for like an hour... it was awkward).
Could I have handled this situation better? I feel like I gave him fair warning, and shut down behavior I didn't feel comfortable with as soon as it appeared, but I still feel like I am treated like the bad guy here.
This man possibly has some type of personality disorder..perhaps histrionic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Due to his unhealthy behavior I think it is best to have no relationship with him.
I do not think you should feel bad about him having no way to class. You had no responsibility to give him a ride to begin with and you certainly have none now. In fact I think you have more of a responsibility to yourself to keep the kind of toxicity he introduced into your life, out of it. He is an adult and he made due without you and he can make due without you again.
Could be, but people with personality disorders can certainly educate themselves about it and work on things to treat people right...so while I agree it's possible, I just hate to see everyone with a PD stigmatized, because they can address it and work on it. But yeah at the same time if they are not doing that and acting stalkerish or abusive you can't just look past that and let them mistreat you.
There are certainly people with personality disorders who have the self insight and desire to seek help and work on improving themselves. If this man is doing so, however, I think he is not doing very well at it.
29 Sep 2017, 8:22 am
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
Then if he doesn't like me then why is he harassing me? What would you call that?
Good question. I don't mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he isn't attracted to you or interested in you. I mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he is not concerned about your best interest or well being.
'
He's had a few tantrums on me in the past:
1.I threatened to call the police about 6 years ago and he said, "Fine go inside but you're acting like a little girl!"
2. Another time he had been parking his car in front of my building about 5 years ago when his building is next year. I saw him getting out while I was outside so I went in before he saw him. So, I went inside to write him a letter telling him that he couldn't park in front of my building anymore because
A. Those spots were for the residents in my building
B. I am not interested in him and that he better mind his own p's and Q's/
Well, he got upset and tore the letter up and threw it back on my doormat.
However, I had heard a from other people that
1. He's a nice guy and it lonely and wants a girlfriend so bad
2. Others have said that they have heard that he's been violent
29 Sep 2017, 11:31 pm
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
Then if he doesn't like me then why is he harassing me? What would you call that?
Good question. I don't mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he isn't attracted to you or interested in you. I mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he is not concerned about your best interest or well being.
'
He's had a few tantrums on me in the past:
1.I threatened to call the police about 6 years ago and he said, "Fine go inside but you're acting like a little girl!"
2. Another time he had been parking his car in front of my building about 5 years ago when his building is next year. I saw him getting out while I was outside so I went in before he saw him. So, I went inside to write him a letter telling him that he couldn't park in front of my building anymore because
A. Those spots were for the residents in my building
B. I am not interested in him and that he better mind his own p's and Q's/
Well, he got upset and tore the letter up and threw it back on my doormat.
However, I had heard a from other people that
1. He's a nice guy and it lonely and wants a girlfriend so bad
2. Others have said that they have heard that he's been violent
By your account, he doesn't sound nice. Maybe he's well mannered and pleasant to some people, or even most of the time, but most people are, even criminals. But he has shown you a different side, and by your account, he sounds like he thinks he is entitled to your attention....he isn't.
30 Sep 2017, 3:04 am
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Summer_Twilight wrote:
This is funny because I have been having problems with a guy who lives in my complex who has been perisistant with me for 8 years since I have moved in. The thing he, I don't know him and vice versa. I have gotten vibes that don't feel right.
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
In that time
1. He has been trying to talk to me and I just ignore him only to have him manipulate me with questions like
"Are you okay?" "Have I done anything that made you treat me this way?"
2. If I even say hello, that gives him the opportunity to talk to me
3. He has displayed some stalkerish behavior
a. He one time set his laptop on a folding table in our breezeway on my neighbor's wifi right outside my front door but got caught
b. He used that neighbor with the wifi by offering to walk her dog when she was out of town when her boyfriend was not available while parking his vehicle in front of our building when his building is next door. When I attempted to put a note on his car to park in front of his own building and that I was once again not interested, he tore up my letter and threw it on my front door.
c.One week and a half ago, he tried to offer me a ride early one morning when I was walking to the bus and while I ignored him. He was talking pretty loud "Oh come on, we are going the same direction. What's your problem? Get this, I like you, I like you, I like you," as he was driving off. So I finally called the police, the president of the HOA and the management about his behavior. While I haven't gotten a restraining order this time but I had the sergeant give this man a pretty good talking to and so far so good.
If you feel stalked, then I would take all the appropriate steps.
So you have a right to defend your
He doesn't like you. If he liked you he would respect you. He's a creep trying to get you into his car like that. Good for you for calling the police.
Then if he doesn't like me then why is he harassing me? What would you call that?
Good question. I don't mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he isn't attracted to you or interested in you. I mean that he doesn't like you in the sense that he is not concerned about your best interest or well being.
'
He's had a few tantrums on me in the past:
1.I threatened to call the police about 6 years ago and he said, "Fine go inside but you're acting like a little girl!"
2. Another time he had been parking his car in front of my building about 5 years ago when his building is next year. I saw him getting out while I was outside so I went in before he saw him. So, I went inside to write him a letter telling him that he couldn't park in front of my building anymore because
A. Those spots were for the residents in my building
B. I am not interested in him and that he better mind his own p's and Q's/
Well, he got upset and tore the letter up and threw it back on my doormat.
However, I had heard a from other people that
1. He's a nice guy and it lonely and wants a girlfriend so bad
2. Others have said that they have heard that he's been violent
Sounds like a nasty piece of work. I'd listen to the people who said he's been violent. As Chronos said, nasty people are nice to some people sometimes, otherwise they'd never get what they want.
You were right to call the police on him. I think there is an aspie trait that some of us have that manifests as impatience with bullhsit, and that can be a very good thing to have for us ladies. It protects us from getting pulled into these meaningless exchanges that are really only about the other person manipulating us.
_________________
I sometimes leave conversations and return after a long time. I am sorry about it, but I need a lot of time to think about it when I am not sure how I feel.
01 Oct 2017, 8:13 am
I'm a strong believer in giving people a chance until they display a behavior that I can use to quantify them as somebody to avoid. The good thing about that belief is it usually doesn't take long for somebody to display a behavior that is disconcerting if they have issues, and if you pay attention. The behavior that this guy displayed that is very concerning is when he was in the hallway outside of where you live using his laptop. That is an indication of stalker behavior, and may indicate the potential for violence as well.
I would recommend you always remember that incident in the hall, and always treat him like the guy who stayed outside your apartment with his laptop. Use that as a template to treat him like a freak, because he likely is a freak. Those are the rules I follow as an autistic guy who wants to avoid trouble in my life, always look for a "tell" from a person you are interacting with. On a positive note, most people are normal or at least harmless so it's not like every person has a "tell".
01 Oct 2017, 9:16 am
I haven't seen him since the morning he offered me a ride but I was told by my counselor that if he tries to talk to me or approaches me, then I need to call the police. I was also told to document down every single incident of him trying to talking to me while looking at recording what he says or does discretely.
