Married to an ASP wife - Will it get any better?

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I think your marital issues go a lot deeper than her ASD. One red flag is when you say you've had to give up your spine. Marriage is about bending and adapting, but you should not have to lose who you are. When that happens, something toxic is going on. The adapting and bending should be making you a better person, not a weaker one.

I think if there is going to be any hope for you as a couple that you will have to be in counseling, either separately or together or both in some combination. There are many different things going on and you will have to relearn how to deal with each other. It also sounds like she has never been taught effective protocols for dealing with conflict, so that needs to get worked on, as well.

I hope it works out, but it can't all come from you.

....wow.

Well said. I do have an "all come from you solution," among other things I need more time for. But to summarize everything neatly and quickly since I'm short on time right now, another person can only make changes if she's actually willing to change. If NOT, then you have to decide whether you can pick up the slack.

There is a reason people are like this. And that means that the person who cares about someone enough that he'll come to someone else for help will have to take the initiative and be prepared that he may not get anything from the other side. I don't want to say "go along to get along," but that's not far from the mark. Again, when I get some time later, I'll expand on all of that.

First off, accept that everyone is selfish. You, me, her, EVERYONE. The key to fixing this is to focus on what makes her feel important. Play on her own selfishness to heal your marriage.

I'm going to go through your posts as I am able and give some feedback on what I see going on with you and her.

Ok, what’s happening here is YOU know that something about her is, for lack of a better term, “broken.” Your DOCTOR knows. She, on the other hand, is unwilling to see herself that way. You’re giving her a pretty massive load of cognitive dissonance, and to her a diagnosis equates to a death sentence. You know you will have to accommodate her. But you must do so in subtle, invisible ways so that she can’t tell what you're doing. If it’s obvious that you’re accommodating her, she will be reminded that you are right and she’ll resent you for it. There are creative “hands-off” ways of doing that. Work on figuring that out so at least you can keep her calm.

The family entitlement thing…yeah, she’s spoiled. There is a fine line between encouraging and enabling. You’ve been married for 4 years, so you should know what she enjoys and what is special to her. Indulge her with those things. Become an active participant in those things that mean the most to her. Have fun. This doesn’t mean you enable her to be destructive or force her dependence on you or some coping mechanism. Just share her hobbies, goals, get her talking about those things, keep her talking, and take her out to relevant events. Feed those positive things she likes. Guard against negativity.


If she accuses you of manipulation, keep your mouth shut and just listen. Remind her that even if she doesn't see it right now, you love her and it makes you feel good to show that sometimes. Send the flowers anyway. If she doesn't believe you NOW, she will eventually get used to you doing nice things.

I don’t think it means you’re spineless. How beaten down you are over it all depends on how much her behavior fazes you.

Look, you know she has a diagnosis. You know things are going to set her off. You know if you love her you will have to do things for her such that you become a safe space. YOU are in control of that. You are not allowing yourself to become her spineless doormat. You are taking charge and helping the wife you love deal positively with life.



EVERYONE is like that. It’s just some people understand human interconnectedness better than others. To get what you need, you need people. To get people, you live a life of service to others. For all the good you do for people, they desire to keep you around for their own continued benefit. So when you ask them for help, they give you anything you want, possibly even more, because they recognize the fulfillment of your needs as paramount to that of their own.

I have noticed that we on WP struggle with this concept. You have to understand that with her diagnosis, you are dealing with someone who might possibly never figure this out. You may end up having to accept that she can never reciprocate. For your marriage to continue long term, you will have to accept this.

I hesitate to say this, but you quite possibly have a narcissist on your hands. You cannot enable her. But you might possibly redirect her behavior and activity towards something more mutually constructive. To a degree, that means feeding into the fantasy world she has constructed around herself without yourself getting sucked into it. Tricky, but doable.



Indeed. You meant well, I know, and I’m not here to judge you or shame you. Confrontation is NEVER a good strategy. Not for anyone, AS or otherwise. All you can do is find a subtle way to redirect her behavior towards something positive.

If she wants to rant about her day, for instance, LET HER VENT. Do not offer advice. Offer validation. “I am so sorry that happened! I can’t imagine how awful you must have felt. I can’t believe she’d say something like that to you. So what did you do about it?”

Now, here’s a neat little trick you can try to make her like you. When she’s gone on as long as she can, find something positive about her day. Like, if she has a coworker she likes spending time with. “So what’s Linda up to today? Did she ever go out with that guy?” Then get all the latest news on Linda. Or a favorite activity. “How’s that painting/novel/poem/song/cross stitching/underwater basket weaving coming along? Oh? How would you feel about making some space to pick that back up? I’ll be glad to help…” Or, “y’know, the sequel to that movie you liked is out this weekend. Would you like to go?”

Take care not to lay things on too thick. But you get the idea. Always put her and her feelings first.


With PTSD you have a whole host of triggers to watch for. It’s like crossing a minefield. Watch your step, step lightly and slowly, and you’ll probably avoid most all of it. Make notes of what you KNOW will set her off and avoid those things.

In conversation, focus on the positives. That will help ease her depression. Redirect her attention towards things that give her the greatest joy. When she’s depressed and wants to express that, JUST LISTEN. Don’t logic it out. Don’t try to fix it. Just let her talk. Most of us already know the solutions. We don’t need anyone to “fix” us. We just want someone on our side. Be that for her and you’ll solve so many problems just by doing essentially nothing.

I’ll keep reading responses and posting as time permits. It’s homemade pizza night at Rho’s house.

One possible advantage of an Aspie diagnosis is that it is relatively easy to make sure that the minefields are precisely the same. Most Aspies like regular routines and doing what is comfortable as opposed to new and different.

This is going to be really tough. I feel the need to look for an out. I dont know. I think it is so unfair, especially if I dont get some kind of positive response, affection, kind words, anything. It might come in time but for now, its brutal. The worst part is that Im stuck in Idaho, no offense to those here, but its not what I signed up for. I have a good business that Im starting and I have to juggle everything. She works then she plays, not to say that she doesnt do chores and such. She just does them when she feels like doing them so things get done when they get done. I stopped doing because I feel I am enabling her. Her car needs service and I said something about it and she says, what did you do to my car? I said nothing Im just letting you know it needs service. She never asks me for very much. I get ahead of it and am proactive about it so it gets done on time, like paying bills. This is turn gives her the " I didnt ask you to do that for me", attitude. I hope this doesnt get any tougher.

I would let her go and move on. This doesn't sound so healthy because of the way she is treating you and the last posts you have written about her she is coming off as abusive and a gaslighter. Also weird she would be against you being logical and trying to solve problems because aspies are known to do that and she is against that. Just shows you how not every aspie is the same. What is with ASP than ASD? I thought maybe it stood for "Anti Social personality?" Also it sounds like she isn't willing to work it out and she is in denial right now about her problem and is blaming you right now for everything.

Welcome to married life! Part of being married and making it work means giving up all your expectations. All of that is supposed to be worked out BEFORE you get married. After you get married, you're stuck with it.


Understood. The longer you do what you can to make it work, the more likely the marriage will last a long time.

Couples in counseling of some form who'd been talking divorce early on USUALLY stayed together if they could make it past the 5-year mark after the marriage started to break down.


You have to decide which is helping and which is enabling. I'd suggest doing as much as you feel comfortable doing, at the very least cleaning up after yourself and after mutual activities such as meals (like washing dishes and so on). But if she doesn't have clothes to wear to work, it'll be on her to wash her clothes.

With marriage, there can be no "line in the sand." So do as much as you CAN without dropping dead from exhaustion, get adequate sleep, and keep yourself well enough to stay on top of your job or business.


Yeah...just take care of it and don't bother mentioning it.

Here's the thing. When you're married, you own all your property in common. It's not HER car, strictly speaking. It belongs to you both. So just get it done and don't bother worrying her with the details.



I'm kinda the same way with my wife. And it's because I feel bad because she has to take care of me...y'know, like I still need a mom or something. The sad part is it's actually kinda true.

So stay proactive, keep doing it, and just don't ever tell her.

I don't believe in keeping secrets in marriage, btw, that's not what I'm saying. I'm just saying there's no need to bring up relatively trivial things like "car needs maintenance" if you can take care of it. If she asks you what you did today, you say, "oh, not much. I had some free time and I knew the car needed maintenance, so I took care of that for you."

If she's, like, "I didn't ask you to do that," then you say, "I needed to run an errand on that side of town, and I just happened to be there, anyway. It's really no trouble, and one less thing for you to worry about. Hey, how was work today?" (Note the shift away from what you did for her and back to talking about HER day).

Not that ALL women do this, but I have often seen this in my relationships and with other guys, too. Men typically feel we have to FIX the problem, to make it go away. So we tend to analyze the problem, lead the SO to see how our solutions are "correct" and that's the way she should go.

The gf or wife, on the other hand, is more concerned with the emotional side of the crisis, not the practical side. Yes, OBVIOUSLY what the MAN said will fix this. Any idiot can figure that out. I don't have to be condescended to and patronized like some stupid small child. I know HOW to fix this. The problem I'm having right now is that I'm so totally fahrking P¡$$3D 0££ right now. What I need is chocolate and wine, not a "solution."

It's not just a man/woman thing. People dealing with a crisis most often seek validation. By "fixing" her problem, the OP has essentially said "your feelings don't matter." She's looking for someone to give her permission to feel the way she does and to show empathy.

This situation is far from hopeless. But I do think the OP needs to prepare himself for this fight to be entirely one-sided.

I am really sorry you are in such a difficult place. Please, do talk to a counselor. It will help you focus your thoughts and get you to a stronger place for choosing your next step.

My marriage was in a really rough spot a year or two in, but we both separately got professional help. It was rough, but slowly as we each both healed ourselves we were able to rebuild the relationship with a more solid foundation. Still, it was a difficult place to be in.

People bring a lot of baggage into marriages. Your future won't be determined by the issues, but by how you each handle them from now on.