Married to an ASP wife - Will it get any better?

Post Reply New Topic

I am so confused as to what to do. She was just recently diagnosed and swears that its wrong but this explains past behaviors and I did breathe a small sigh of relief when I found out. She has asked for divorce and Im just hanging on by a thread because I love her but I dont know how much I can take. Ive given so much and she doesnt see it. I looked for local support groups and for some reason, Idaho doesnt have them. Is anyone in my shoes that can give some advice?
Thank you

What needs to get better?
A diagnosis can explain behaviors but now what?
A diagnosis can help identify triggers.
A diagnosis rarely provides an easy path to major changes.

No two aspies are alike, so while it helped a great deal in my case, your case is likely to
be entirely different.

There are now a bunch of books on having relationships with Aspies that may help you understand the situation if you prefer studying books.

What are some of the problems y'all are having?
How long have you been married?
Do you think she would agree to Couples Counseling?

We're physically wired differently in the brain and so any oddities she has that get on your nerves will probably not go away. If it's an emotional attachment that's missing realize a lot of us do have emotions and feel emotions, we have a problem understanding other's emotions and putting our own into words/actions, but they are there. Also, a lot of us think in black/white terms, it either is or isn't, it's not negotiable, and that can cause a lot of friction you may not be willing to endure (assuming she has that problem, we're also all individuals that manifest our symptoms differently). We also have problems with senses, what may be a pleasant touch for the vast majority of people can feel painful for us and that can get in the way of a physical relationship. I can't offer you any advice, I'm not a marriage therapist, nor a psychologist, and I don't know exactly what issues she suffers from that are interfering with your relationship, all I can offer you is glimpse into how our minds work, you and her have to be the ones that decide if you're willing to invest the time and effort to bridge the gaps.

First of all she totally denies it and she is angry at me and herself for allowing her to be tested. She shows all the symptoms and I have even given her examples. We have been married for 4 years and during that time these behaviors confused me. I really thought that she was a heartless person at times but she would get passed it and I had to as well. In my mind I think we all get angry and say things we dont mean. This was not the case. We moved from Colorado to Idaho less that a year ago with her family and it feels like she is entitling herself because she has her family. When we lived alone at least she tried to cope with it and we both knew there was something wrong but we couldnt put our finger on it. When we went in for diagnoses she went to prove me wrong. But, when the Doctor came to the conclusion that she was ASP, she hit the roof. I have done my own research prior to this and have had to change my entire personality. I feel if she takes some accountability for this we could get some help but she totally denies it. I am fine with that but I feel now that I have some guidelines as to what to say and what to do when she acts out. Everything I say or do is misconstrued as an act of manipulation and control. I bought some flowers for and sent them to her work and she went nuts saying that I was trying to make myself look good and I had other motives. I was just sending flowers. I have to lose what spine I do have to try and get past this. Nothing I say or do makes any difference. The only thing that has worked so far is I try to get her to do every day things. Making things worse I would be stuck in Idaho away from my family and friends in Colorado and Texas. We both have pretty good jobs and the idea of dropping everything and starting over is just crazy after all this. I mean, everyone has their issues even if they are not ASP. She has not interest or bearing on what the future holds only what she feel right at the moment. It seems that I have made things worse but confronting her with it. She also suffers from PTSD and possibly depression which makes matters worse. I pray every day that I just want the life we had prior to all this. It was a big mistake bringing her home to her family in Idaho. Im sorry if this sounds like Im just ranting but I am so frustrated. Thank you

I feel if I stick it out, it will pass. We have been here before and I couldnt understand why. If I had known sooner I would have dealt with it differently. It seems like once she has a feeling she tends to hold onto it and nothing else matters. The Doctor stated that I was lucky to have come this far with her.

She is not coping well with two things:

1. Her autism traits, symptoms and challenges, before or after diagnosis.

2. Her diagnosis.

Being late-diagnosed, she has lived a life of frustration and confusion already, not knowing what was "wrong" with her, having difficulties that made things feel messed-up for her yet not even knowing why, and certainly not knowing how to cope with those difficulties. This is not an excuse for any of her behavior. But it is a huge burden for a long-undiagnosed person. A few people in this case may wind up quite troubled as people. Co-morbids such as depression, anxiety, etc can add to the burden.

Then add into the mix the fact that she wanted to prove you wrong, and it turned out she DOES have a condition that causes difficult traits, symptoms and challenges.

That's HUGE.

It's huge to be diagnosed as an adult. For some people, that confirmation is a relief and they only feel more positive from it.

For others, the confirmation can feel like something just died.

It can feel like the door is closed on ever being "a normal person."

It can feel like you're never going to be better in any way that you're struggling with.

I was in a lot of denial of having Asperger's even BEFORE I sought diagnosis! It actually took me years to stop feeling utterly frightened and even angry to even suspect I might have this condition.

That was years and years ago. I've turned 180 degrees now and accept it. But it took years for me to even lose my fear enough to seek diagnosis. I was scared and in a sense horrified when I first identified that I had traits.

It sounds like your wife is going through that stage I went through. Not everyone does but I did and it seems she is right there now.

The important thing to remember is that this stage may not last. It can be worked through and she can move on through to a different state of being.

But it's going to take a certain degree of acceptance from her and working on things from both of you.

Please try to urge her to have counseling with you. She may want a divorce because she believes she is a broken, bad person who can never be a good partner to anyone.

This is not true; there are married people on the autism spectrum, who cope and have a good life together.

Please don't give up on her but gently encourage her that there IS light at the end of the tunnel, it's not all bad.

Also perhaps you could show her my post? Because I went through a sense of anger, fear and horror at even the suggestion that I might be on the autism spectrum, because I'd lived a lifetime of not knowing and simply assuming -- and wishing HARD -- that one day somehow I could just magically be this amazing, capable person with no issues, just like everyone else.

With ASD the person has to learn to understand that his or her way of processing everything in the brain is different, but the person can adapt by finding out what works for them.

I really appreciate your post. I can say that she states she wants a divorce because she doesnt want to deal with me anymore. I am a fix it person and I have confronted her on several occasions because I had all the facts so that we could resolve things. She calls it Logicing everything out and she hated it. I didnt stop because I thought she was just being a B but it turns out she was not. So now she feels I have mistreated her and feels justified in asking for this. I cant say I reacted to her the way I should have but had I known she had this, things would have been different. I can say we have been here before but I love her with all I have but I dont know how far she will go or how much I can take. I am a total alpha male and that doesnt help but to be fair I have had to remove most of my spine to stay in this marriage. I have done so much for her to try to make her happy and it seemed to have no effect. We used to go to church and have a church family and that went a long ways but now that we have relocated she doesnt want to go. I didnt state this before but to make matters worse, her mother is more than likely autistic and we have been staying with her parents. We are ready to move out financially but she refuses to move out and wants to stay at home. I can say she is a creature of reaction. She will not take any action unless something bad happens and I fear that is coming. Karma is a terrible creature at times. I tell her she cant treat people this way and it will catch up to her but she doesnt listen. The last time something happened she ended up in the ER and was crying and asking for me. Part of me went cold and wanted to leave her laying there because of how she treated me but I couldnt do it. I at times feel the need to run away and not look back but the consequences would ruin us both. I can almost live with that. Presently I dont know anyone here and she has all her family and puts a lot of emphasis on her co worker friends and this all makes things way harder on me.I hope God is watching all this.

I'm gonna make this a 2-part post, because this is a deep issue.

So first off, let me start by saying...

...I understand. I'm a big believer in fighting divorces. A lot of people disagree with me on this, but I stand by it. Bf/gf relationships are more about exploring the possibility of a LTR commitment, but they are highly volatile. And that's ok, you NEED that volatility. If someone can be easily swayed by friends or a romantic "rival," there's not much of a foundation to build on. Engagement are marriage prep, a few months to get all the details squared away. They aren't vaporous like bf/gf commitments, but it's still not too late to abandon ship, either.

Marriages, by contrast, are INTENDED to be permanent. They are ALWAYS worth fighting for, even in the worst of times.

That does NOT mean there aren't extraordinary circumstances that precipitate divorce. Let me make that clear. Violence is unacceptable. So is cheating. Emotional cheating is something best kept to yourself. It's a bad thing and should be dealt with appropriately, but you can't be blamed for experiencing temptation. Only when your thoughts and feelings spill over into action is the impact of emotional cheating fully realized. There is no coming back from that because once you cheat, you will forever be known as a cheater. You place yourself at the mercy of your spouse and HOPE maybe she'll forgive you and you can reconcile. But if you sue her for grounds for her cheating, she has no leg to stand on.

My wife and I have had this discussion, btw. If I cheat, I'm pretty much screwed. If SHE cheats, I can forgive and forget UNLESS the cheating has extreme consequences beyond my control. Some things even I can't handle. We agreed we're safe from those kinds of things, mostly because we do EVERYTHING together and we have too many boundaries in our environment to even have the opportunity to cheat.

But, yeah, violence and adultery...those are the BIG ONES. Everything else is pretty much just blackmail material. For instance, you can sue for impotence and insanity. We believe those are cold and cruel reasons to sue UNLESS you're purposefully defrauding your mate before marriage. People get old, the "equipment" breaks down, and our minds aren't always as sharp and clear as they used to be. Marriage is a life commitment, so even if she goes insane I'm going to stand by her and care for her, even if it's at great risk to my life or well-being. That's what I promised. That's what I signed up for.

That is partially your issue. You are with someone who is, naturally as we all are, less than perfect and might be dealing with some psychosis. Very well. You are committing to that. If you wish to battle this out, you first need to understand the other person and what she's experiencing. If it's a war she wants, it's a war she'll get. But it's not a war of punishment. You are fighting for reconciliation, NOT retribution. But if you love her enough to win at all costs, your final battle WILL be one of retribution, and you will only play the punishment card when all other tactics have been exhausted. She can end this war ANY TIME by reconciling with you and working WITH you to sort out what led her to seek divorce. You will forgive EVERYTHING, and you will comfort her every step of the way.

Remember, retribution is the absolute last resort. That means divorce is imminent and there's no going back. That means you have stalled, delayed, buried her in paperwork, and NEVER caved under pressure from your lawyer or hers to agree to a NFD-ID. Nobody can force you to sign anything. And proceedings can drag on and on and on... What inevitably happens is someone screws up. Someone blinks. Someone breaks. Someone caves. And until the judge signs the order, YOU ARE STILL LEGALLY MARRIED.

She moves out? Sue her for abandonment. She meets a guy for lunch and goes back to his place? Sue for adultery. Get a private investigator to follow her every move as soon as you catch wind anything unsavory is going on. Now you have EVIDENCE. Nail her to the wall with it. Make it ugly as hell. Destroy her reputation. Have fun with it, but don't break the law. File a civil suit against her lover so you can at least recover your legal fees (yes, in some jurisdictions, you can do that!). Blackmail her (legally). Tell her she can make it all stop if she'll just give the marriage another chance. Make HER responsible. It might not work, but you can say when it's all over that AT LEAST you did everything in your power to save the marriage. You can recover all kinds of monetary damages and keep half of her property. Never leave empty handed. If you're going to get screwed over anyway, you deserve something between minimizing the damage (to you) and coming out on top.

People will disagree with me, and I understand that, too. If you truly love someone, can't you just let them go? If you truly love someone, why treat them so cruelly? Understandable questions, sure. But they are really just distractions from the real point: the person being left is a human being with feelings, too, and the person walking away is getting everything she wants. So it stops being about love and starts being about protecting yourself. Which is what marriage is designed to do under the law. If you casually consent to NFD, then what ever was the point of getting married in the first place? It's just another way of saying the marriage never meant anything to begin with. You should never, EVER let someone get away with that. Hurt 'em. Hurt 'em BAD. Keep hurting 'em until they either come back or until the judge says it's done.

The naysayers will rightly point out my remarks are one-sided. True, I'm assuming you are a decent, well-intentioned person. I do take issue with some of the other things you mentioned, so lemme get to that in "part 2." Your wife makes some excellent points, and you will have to listen to her and confront yourself with those points if you want any hope for reconciliation.

I think it may be best to split up, I mean it sounds like this relationship is making you miserable, you have to remove most of your spine to stay in it? Is that worth it to you? Also the issue with her family sounds unpleasant, I mean do you really want to live at her moms place indefinitely with someone who seems hellbent on reverting to an adult child that can't handle adult things.

Part 2 of potentially 3--

Final words on divorce: it is possible to drag proceedings out for a loooooong time, at which point it is possible to catch a spouse in the act of doing something damaging. I've seen this happen. My wife and I are both former paralegals. I've been a process server and have even occasionally done some document prep on a freelance basis. Plus, I moved on to a diff career (paralegal was just temp work for me) and she'd continue feeding me stories.

That said, there are two sides--yours and hers. I hate NFD divorces with a deep, fiery passion. They disgust me, like, the thought of it makes me feel physically ill. See, I don't believe irreconcilable differences are legit. No such thing. It's just an easy way out.

Now, think about this... Why would anyone who loves her spouse ever agree to a NFD? Just casually sign the blueback and wait the standard 6 months until the judge signs the final decree? Here's the answer: because her husband has dirt on her. She's been a bad little girl, everyone knows it, but nobody wants to talk about it for whatever reason. The husband is just tired of her cheating, wants to be single again, and might even agree to whatever she wants just to get rid of her. But maybe she has some advantage in staying married, maybe it will kill her reputation, maybe anything. So she fights the divorce, I dunno, "on principle." Maybe she's p¡$$3d that her husband stole the initiative by initiating proceedings. So his lawyer sends her lawyer an envelope of pictures showing her sleeping with half the town. Her husband doesn't want to hurt her, he just wants to be done with her. So his lawyer offers her lawyer a NFD-ID deal so we can just quietly make all of this go away.

The divorce is still public, people still get hurt, but at least all the ugly stuff gets swept under the rug and we can keep the worst of it quiet. We go our separate ways. I keep my stuff, you keep your stuff, sell everything else, and split it 60/40 in your favor because I'm a nice guy. It gives wrongdoers a chance to save face and keep proceedings neat and easy.

Hopefully you never find yourself on the business end of a NFD.

I'd just never go there. My thinking is if you already have that kind of leverage over a spouse, why not just use it to reconcile? The methods might be ugly, and I'm not an ends justify the means person. But, geez, if that's all you've got left, you've got nothing to lose! Reconcile or sue for grounds. NFD should never enter into the discussion.

If YOU screw up and your ex is stupid enough to offer you a NFD, you might as well take it.

---

Yep, defo going to part 3. In my next episode, I'll address your particular issues and explore some options in getting your marriage back on track. It doesn't have to be over, but I do think you're starting to see how some of your own behaviors have set you back. Get that corrected and you can put all of this behind you. Until next time...

Also let me stress something Don't follow angelrho's advice...there is no point in dragging out a divorce or trying to make someone reconcile with you if they don't want to. All that will do is make it more emotionally draining for all parties involved and much harder to move on and start over...I get if one party doesn't want to split up it can be hard to want to just get it over with but its much better.

I mean maybe you can try and discuss thing with her, but if she insists on wanting to split up...then it would be best to keep the process as simple as possible and get it over with as soon as possible.

Another problem with angelrho's advice is if you really ever cared about someone, you don't try to ruin their live via sueing and trying to smear their reputation if things don't work out...that just shows they were only an asset to you to begin with, not someone you truly cared for. So yeah don't follow that shady advice.

My parents got divorced and yeah it was a bit of a messy one, so I am not just speaking out my a**...a clean divorce is much better than a messy one. Also even if one succeeds in convincing their S.O who has made the decision they want to split it off to stay with them, do you really want a partner that is only still with you because they feel forced?

You both make some very good point and I find them very helpful. If it was just this one issue it would be much easier. But living at her parents home and of course she also has PTSD, new jobs, etc , just compounds it. I think the breaking point will come when she takes things too far. Its hard for me because I dont know anyone here just a few co workers. We came up from Colorado with the understanding that she was all I had. Her severe lack of empathy is amazing but it does subside, eventually. She blames me for her test results. She didnt like me discussing what I thought were symptoms. She was there and could have spoken up but she froze and didnt say anything until we left. I really appreciate all this information. I am looking for a local group as well but cant locate one.