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AspieSingleDad
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Joined: 6 Sep 2017
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Posts: 657

19 Oct 2017, 5:57 pm

I hope you do get another chance. You certainly seem to care about this man quite a bit.



Insania2016
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19 Oct 2017, 5:59 pm

Mmm sounds like trauma. He needs to see a therapist.



ttt2727
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Age: 38
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19 Oct 2017, 8:52 pm

AspieSingleDad wrote:
I hope you do get another chance. You certainly seem to care about this man quite a bit.



Thank you!! ! You’ve been so insightful and helpful through this whole process. I truly and deeply love him. pray for us !



ttt2727
Tufted Titmouse
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Joined: 15 Sep 2017
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19 Oct 2017, 9:00 pm

Insania2016 wrote:
Mmm sounds like trauma. He needs to see a therapist.


Why don’t you say that ??



Zebra3
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28 Oct 2017, 7:21 pm

This will probably sound harsh, but there needs to be an « us » to actually « pray for us ».
I’m not saying there isn’t one, just questioning if there is. There’s certainly one to you, but I don’t know if there’s one to him, I don’t know if he can, as an aspie, « mentally build » the concept of a couple embodied by that « us », and in the possibility that he can, to which extent ? (as in « would that fit your conception of a couple ? »).

Also, I’ve read some descriptions of borderline personality disorder saying that the person may preventively put an end to relationships, so as not to suffer if the other one decides to break up.
Seeing how BSP and ASD descriptions are sometimes so similar, it may not be so different (there may be a genetic factor in BSP as well), maybe this is part of what he feels.

Or he may be hypersensitive (to the point of looking unsensitive ?), experiences break ups as trauma, and preventively puts an end to it ?

I know this is tough, but I feel like I’ve been (and still am) through something a bit similar, with that girl I talked about. It’s different in the fact that I don’t even really know her while you are in a relationship, but it’s like my whole « spirit » started to care for her « for no reason » (though I think I’ve understood why), and still cares for her while there’s nothing coming back from her.
And the way you seem desperate for him while he doesn’t seem to send much affection signs to you looks similar to me.

If he hasn’t yet, I think he should really « educate » himself about ASD and decide if he’s willing to build something with you or not. I know it can be difficult for aspies to be in a relationship, but IMHO once the condition of aspie is known, both people have to takes steps and compromises.
The aspie should not be forced to adapt 100% to the non-aspie, but the non-aspie shouldn’t either be the one to adapt 100% to the aspie one.

You love him, but as sad as it is, maybe you’d rather give this love to someone who can/want to give the same kind of love back.

It makes me question what « love » really is. We make a fuss about it all the time, in songs, movies, stories and of course in our lives, but what if it’s « just » neuronal connexions that in my case could be dysfunctional/disproportionate to the point of falling in love with someone I don’t even know ?
Does it still make love « so beautiful » when it would be just so random and prone to more suffering than happiness ? Is this kind of « blind love » worth pursuing/grieving ?
Maybe I should meet people, build friendships and relationship based on « real interactions » slowly overtime. But I’ve been traumatized by this story, and don’t feel the need for it for now. Or maybe I’m a bit autistic too and that’s just the way I am, I don’t know.

All the best anyway :wink:



Broken Sun Beam
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Joined: 11 Aug 2017
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28 Oct 2017, 8:53 pm

ttt2727 wrote:
Hi all

i;ve been reading the forum the past week and have decided to finally post. Long story short. My boyfriend and I met last year and were doing long distance. I moved to be with him and test things out for 2 months. I became very very close with his family. During the two month period, I had my doubts and uncertainties. I expressed these to my best friend and my mom. A few days before I was set to visit my family in another country, he went through my phone and read all my messages. Another message he found was a message to my coach where I said I think he is a nice person, and would like to hang out as friends with him. My boyfriend took a picture of the message, and feels completely betrayed. We decided to go on a temporary break for the month that I am overseas. We have not spoken, unless I have reached out and apologized profusely, validating his feelings, and reassuring him at every level that I at no point had feelings for anyone else. In his mind, "I was close to cheating". I truly love him, and would never hurt him. It is clear to be he shows many many signs of AS - but has not been diagnosed. He has only been diagnosed with learning disabilities and severe ADHD as a child. His parents have said he is "so stupid" to let me go. He is 32 and still lives at home with his parents. The country where he lives is considered a 3rd world country - so I can see why it has gone undiagnosed....Do I continue to just give him space and time to process his hurt/betrayal? I usually have so much patience, but I feel as though he is punishing me. I asked if we are still together, and he said yes. I asked if he wants to permanently break up, and he said no...but he's not speaking to me or initiating contact unless I do... my close friends and family are telling me I am signing up for a difficult life with him, but I truly and deeply love him and was on my way to moving across the world to be with him etc.


That is a difficult situation. If it was me personally I'd be patient for a time... but at some point of seeing he's not trying and it's fully one sided in other words, leaving the weight of the relationship on my shoulders while still wanting the relationship to somehow magically keep holding, I would get mad at him for doing that and not talking to me for so long. But this is your relationship. If there is one thing I've learned about relationships... it's that only I can decide what's right or wrong for my relationship. And the same goes for you.

I know this is no simple situation since he is special needs... however it's also up to you if you love him enough to carry this with you. This will probably not be the last time he does something like this. Also consider that he is probably very insecure because of living life with special needs and feeling like no one truly appreciates him. He's probably anticipating you getting tired of him and leaving.... I know I have felt that way in the past. However that's no excuse and you still have the right to be mad at him.

Also my husband and I openly read each others text messages and call lists but this is because we mutually agreed that it's okay to do this. There is a closed group I visit on facebook that we have also agreed that my husband doesn't visit because it's "My" personal space. And he respects those barriers. Even when we were dating there was none of that secret snooping and insecurely checking text messages to find the "Other person".

If and when he comes back you both need to decide what your barriers are and whether him reading that text message was crossing the line. Because it sounds like you weren't okay with it. And he needs to know this. He needs to decide if he thinks trusting you is worth it or not. Because if he doesn't think it's worth trusting you he doesn't think it's worth being with you.


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