Relationship with ASD (Undiagnosed)

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So hopefully that was a good example of that paranoia thing I've been talking about. I'm choosing to take your word as true which means you were simply meeting somebody you were friendly with, who happens to be a guy.

With that said, I guess I now have some questions for you because I'm confused.

-How come we tell you that Aspies don't like to communicate by phone or text and yet you keep getting upset when he doesn't communicate by phone or text?
-Why don't you just ask him directly, "Do you love me?"
-Why did you say you broke up with him and make a final decision and now you are coming back here and continuing this thread and now indicating that you still are considering a relationship with him?
-Since you seem to want to continue a relationship with him and he's just not communicating with you, why did you actually DELAY seeing him in person which is just about the worst thing you could have done?

At this point, if you want to communicate with this guy, it'd have to be in person. If you feel that you aren't secure enough with the relationship to fly to another country to see this guy (and I can't blame you if you feel that way), then you need to end the relationship and work towards moving on. You aren't going to get what you need through long distance communication. You just aren't.

All very good questions. When I’ve asked him if he loves me before his answer is “sometimes”

I’m delaying my trip back because he’s asked for more space, and I’m respecting that. My family and close friends have advised me it would not be a good idea going back there given he’s asked for more space and time to think. I feel I wouldn’t be respecting his decision.

He’s never had an issue before calling me on the phone and texting me a lot.

You’re right, I’ve flip flopped a lot. I know I’m confused, but it’s also because of him. I’ve professed my love for him over and Over again and his responses are “really?” Or “wow”. If I felt more secure, of course I’d go back in a heartbeat. I’m scared.

So I thought I served you some pretty hard questions but you came back with some pretty reasonable responses, LOL. I guess I have to say that everything you just said makes sense and it seems like you've considered things with more detail than perhaps I thought you did.

You've professed your love for him and that you cared for him, and he's asked for more space. I guess you're doing the right thing in giving it to him. Maybe this is a "wait and see" situation at the moment. I'm sorry you're going through this.

You still seem confused about going over- have you asked him if he still wants you to go over at that time or if he would prefer you to wait? It might be that going over will give you the answer you need, one way or the other. You can have the big argument if you need to and then make up afterwards, or you can talk about it in your own time, or you can build up some more trust or just find that you don't work together under pressure.

I do hope that you can find the right answer.

No, I haven’t asked him because when I asked a few weeks ago, he said he needed more time to think.

We aren’t speaking right now because we agreed to give each other more time. I mainly wanted to give him some more time because I disrespected his space and request for space initially - there’s was a misunderstanding. I didn’t realize he didn’t want to communicate for the month that I’m away. After a week I contacted him and asking him to try his best to trust me and validated his emotional state and experience... I also professed my deep love and care and support for him. He’s never really known how to respond to that when I’ve done that even in the past.

Anyway... I don’t want to contact him because I want to respect our agreement.. as I initially didn’t... so that’s why I’m not telling him about my plans to postpone my flight - I told him to contact me when he feels ready. His parents keep asking when I’m back - they adore me and vice versa.

The question may look out of place here, but come on, we are on the Wrong Planet, so I will ask you:

What do you expect from your relationship? How do you imagine it should look as the time passes? What kind of a relationship do you want to have with this man? Where and on what terms?
Did you ask him these? Did you discuss these? Did you agree?

From the fact he is from a different country, I expect significant cultural differences. Maybe there are "obvious" or "unthinkable" things that you never discussed (because they are obvious or unthinkable) that need to be worked on.

UPDATE:

1. His mom messaged me saying she asked my boyfriend when I’m back since he had told her oct 2nd (its passed)
He said I delayed my trip because I had things to do / issues in my home country.
2. He told her that he still plans on living with me when I return
3. He told her he is waiting for me to return
4. She said it seems like everything is fine according to him. She asked if he’s been seeing anyone else. He said no.
5. His dad messaged me and asked if everything is ok because my boyfriend told him there are issues I’m having In My home country which is why I postponed my trip. I told him it’s not true and everything is fine here with me.

Why the lying? Also, interestingly, we still are not speaking, I’m still giving him space and time as he has asked for... and I didn’t tell him I’m postponing my trip back which is weird he just assumed that.

What lying?
They probably overinterpreted the "issues" you were texting about.
Anyway, did you answer yourself what you expect from this relationship?

Those questions are difficult ones and whenever I try to speak with him about or relationship he’s quite shut down and most of his answers are “yes”
“No” and the most popular answer.. “I don’t know”

I want a loving and loyal relationship where communication can flow a little better and easier... I’m a big feeler and overnaalyze things.. he seems laid back and nonchalant... I need to think about the questions your pose more...

Others have probably much more knowledge than me, but I try anyway.

IMHO, he should really try to get a diagnostic and if confirmed he should educate himself (as far as possible) about his peculiarities.
And if you haven’t yet read Tony Attwood’s « Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome », you definitely should.

Some aspies seem to have a very personal perception of the world. They take things very literally, and if they have limited theory of mind, and have alexithymia to some extent, that’s even more difficult.

If he has limited theory of mind, he may be missing the fact that you can’t read his mind. What he thinks, he may think that you know it too. I had a similar problem (but the opposite way) with a women that I think is an undiagnosed aspie. I was deeply in love with her for no particular reason (love at first sight for my physiotherapist), told her I had feelings for her but she didn’t and months later we got in contact again, and out-of-nowhere she invited me for a week-end at her own place, and while it looks like she was initiating a romantic interest, it seems she was just trying to be nice in a VERY clumsy way, never telling me she had a boyfriend (as if I was supposed to know that ???), then the story went south when she realized I thought she could have changed her mind, and she wouldn’t recognize her part of responsibility in the misunderstanding, and eventually kicked me out of her life. You can read my subject if you want, but it’s quite long.

The « lying » you mention could be caused by this « personal » interpretation of things.
And in Attwood’s book, there’s a chapter about relationships with aspies, explaining how it may be this kind of child/adult relationship, how the aspie may not show signs of affection, or at least how he may do it in his very own way.

I hope I won’t be misunderstood but while he is from a different culture, I’d say being aspie already makes him part of a different culture to some extent, as in a « different » way of life.

The weird thing is his change of behavior from the first months. I have read that some aspies may start a relationship really strong, really passionate, then get kind of bored with it, as if « ok, now I know that person, I just kind of need her around », as if the person was now « part of the furnitures », an element of confidence for everyday life, but not someone to desire anymore, and that it can go with a sudden lack of libido, and the NT eventually breaks up.

I don't know why but it seems to me like some persons, maybe like you and me, are over-empathic and fall in love with aspies who don't understand us (though to be fair, we don't really understand them either) or are kind of un-empathic (not in a nasty way). I'm thinking there may be something similar that makes us fall for them, but also a sort of "flipped switch" that makes them very different from us, and lot of sadness ensues .

^
I'd be interested to hear of anything Attwood has ever said to acknowledge that the NT may be part of the problem. I wouldn't want to stop anybody from reading Attwood, but I think it's important to keep an open mind about relationship troubles, and look at both people. It's very tempting to medicalise the Aspie's behaviour and think that will lead to a solution, especially if the text book fails to warn about this.

After 2 weeks of not being in communication.. I messaged him... he said we can talk from time to time but wants to be on a break until I return to his country. He asked when I am coming back and I told him. I asked if we are still together and he said yes we still are.

He said he does not know what to do and I asked him what he means.. I asked if he can try and explain and we can find a solution... I am trying very hard to be patient and compassionate

I feel like he just wants a break for the sake of having a break because it’s become a thing now — does that make sense? He says he would still like to talk from time to time until I get back but not everyday because that’s not a break...and he is expecting to still live together when I am back and be together? I am so very confused...

Another update —last week I asked him to get me from the airport. At first he said if he isn’t working. He does shift work and I pointed out that he already knows his schedule... he said yes true. He then said it might be weird to get me. Then he went on to say he doesn’t really know what to do because what I I come back to his county and we break up and he doesn’t want me wasting money on a flight and accommodation. I explained to him I need to come back irrespective because the ticket was a return flight and I can’t change it again... we then decided (him more than me... ) that we would transition this temporary break into a permanent one. I suggested we meet in person to say goodbye and he agreed. We are meeting next week... but now I want to tell him that I really want us to work and ask him to give us another try? I don’t wnt to pressure him at all — I feel he’s just indifferent to the relationship. Even when we were in it, he was ok being in it and ok not seeing me too... what’s the best way to approach this? I am committed to making this work and giving this one final try.

No good forecasts from me, sorry. It's time to get some distance and consider an option that maybe it would never work with you two.

Why do you say that? I actually have a good feeling about our meeting.

I think you need to leave things where they are and wait until you two meet in person. That's when communication is going to matter. I wouldn't consider you as permanently broken up until you talk to each other in person. I hope you go through with your plans to meet him in person because communication between the both of you via phone and text is simply not going to be effective. That's why I'd recommend waiting until you meet in person before providing further communication beyond the most basic i.e. I'm at the airport, please pick me up.

I hope all goes well!