Relationship with ASD (Undiagnosed)

Post Reply New Topic

So we are only speaking if I initiate... I'm just so confused. I'm getting very mixed messages.

If he wanted to be with me, why can't we communicate like we normally did ? He never had a problem on the phone and texting me before all of this. I said to him today " I adore you and I don't want to fight and I want you to trust me and for us to have the best relationship possible/ever."

His response "I don't like to fight either"
I asked him if he agrees to have the best possible relationship and his response was "what kind of best relationship?" I asked him to please explain because I didn't really understand his question, but he didn't... I said that maybe I rushed things between us and we can go slowly and I don't want to put pressure on him. His response: did you go see a psychologist? I said no.. I've just done a lot of thinking. Please help, I'm so lost.. I just don't understand and am not getting any straight answers. I'm meant to go back there in 12 days, and I just don't know what to do. I love this man deeply...

I'm NT . . . . .obviously I don't know your boyfriend but from my own experiences my advice would be just give him time. He has said he wants to be with you, and he wants a relationship. Trust this and just give him some space. It's tough but I don't think he would have said he wants to stay with you if he doesn't mean it. . . .. take care

I agree - I just don’t think I can do this though... it’s really tough and everyone around me saying that life is difficult enough. Marriage and having kids is difficult enough.. and I’m just asking to have a very difficult life if I choose to be with him. Like others have said... it’s not really a partnership... it’s a mother/son relationship for me sometimes.

Sounds like you may have made a decision. You owe it to him to tell him the truth. He’d prefer that.

Yeh. I’m devastated. I deeply love him. I basically said I can’t do this anymore and thanked him for all the good times and wished him the best for everything. I told him how much I love him and his family and Loved getting to know them all. I said he’s shown me in the past few weeks he doesn’t want a relationship and it’s not important to him. His response:

How have i showed you?
All I asked is space

Sorry to hear that, though from what I've read here, I think you probably made the right choice. I hope it won't leave you with a grievance against Aspies. And I hope you find somebody more compatible, and that he does too.

I’m just so confused.. does he even want a relationship with me? When I wrote him a goodbye message saying he’s show me that he doesn’t want a relationship he responded “how have I shown you? All I asked for is space”

So I suggested that I wouldn’t text or contact him and we can have a longer temporary break. I’m in another country to him now and am meant to go back in a week to his country to be with him. I am going to postpone my ticket back andgive him more time and space.. but can someone tell me what’s going on inside his head? Ha, I know none of you can... but in all seriousness, I’m just unsure of what he wants, other than “space”

I understand that you are hurting. The replies in this thread have already answered these questions in a variety of ways, I don't understand why you keep questioning.

We don't even know for sure if he has Aspergers, we don't know him personally, so we cannot even begin to tell you what is in his head. The only person who can do that is him, but the problem seem to be that you don't believe him.

Let me simplify- you wondered why he didn't call you, he said he just needed some space. You have worried that he does not want to be with you, but he says that he does. You say that you told him you thought he wanted to break up with you, and he was confused because he just said he wanted space. If he is an Aspie, then he is giving you straight answers and you are just not accepting them for some reason. You are reading rejection where there is none.

Did you ask him if he still wanted you to visit at the previously arranged time? If he is an Aspie, he might still be expecting you arrive at that time unless you have arranged otherwise with him.

He has been hurt and confused and if he is an Aspie that may take a bit longer for him to process and deal with than some other people.

You told him you would love it if he would call, an NT person would probably understand that this is you asking him to call you, an Aspie might see it as an observation of your feelings but not get that you are actually asking him to call.

Another thing to consider is that people in different countries have different languages and values. If you are not speaking the same first language, you might have different understandings of what the words mean. If you come from different cultures, there are different expectations for behaviour. Some cultures are very direct and value honesty, other cultures speak indirectly and lean towards not saying anything offensive.

There are things that are going to get in the way of your relationship, the thing you have to decide is whether you want to try and work through them or not. That is up to you, but if you decide it is not going to work then do not blame him or an undiagnosed condition, just accept that the cost:benefit ratio is not acceptable to you. If you do really want to be with him you have to learn to trust what he tells you is true and find ways to work around the challenges. I speak from experience- it is possible, it just requires a bit of honesty and patience.

Thanks. I just think maybe he is too afraid to end it - and that’s why I am feeling rejection where maybe there is none. My family and friends have said “why isn’t he fighting for you?” His parents asked him when I’m coming back and he said oct 2, but I feel very vulnerable and afraid to go back at that date when we are not speaking. I told him he can have as much space and time as he wants and can contact me when he wants to.. I feel like going back there on the original date is encroaching on his space.

Why don't you just ask him if he feels that way?

I’ve tried and I don’t get straight answers.

Me: I really love you, but I need to walk away. You have shown me the past few weeks you don’t want this relationship.

Him: how have I showed you? All I asked for is space

Me: Because you have never said “I love you, I want a relationship with you, but I need space.” If you had said that, I would have given you space, not texted and left you alone for a month. You gave me no answers. When did you ask for space?

Him: when you were here

Me: But have you ever said to me I love you, I want to be together, but I just need space?

Him: I don’t remember what I said

Me: I’m saying you have never said that, and because you have never said that, it has shown me you don’t want to be in a relationship. You asked how have you shown me. That’s how. Does that make sense?

Him: sometimes I did say it

Me: you just said you don’t remember?
I will stop texting for a while since you don’t feel like we have had a proper temporary break. When you feel ready, you can contact me. I’m not asking you questions anymore. We can have a longer temporary break.

Him: ok agree

I meant, literally, have you asked him if going back on the original date would encroach upon his space but it sounds like you are ready to move on and that's OK. You need to do what you need to do.

To be brutally honest I would not trust you as far as I could throw you. You have been found out testing the waters with this other guy and in your own personal interests are using your denial to justify your actions retrospectively

Leave him alone

I have not tested waters with anyone?! You are entitled to your opinion, but I did nothing to make him not trust me. I have always been faithful and have intended to remain that way.

So hopefully that was a good example of that paranoia thing I've been talking about. I'm choosing to take your word as true which means you were simply meeting somebody you were friendly with, who happens to be a guy.

With that said, I guess I now have some questions for you because I'm confused.

-How come we tell you that Aspies don't like to communicate by phone or text and yet you keep getting upset when he doesn't communicate by phone or text?
-Why don't you just ask him directly, "Do you love me?"
-Why did you say you broke up with him and make a final decision and now you are coming back here and continuing this thread and now indicating that you still are considering a relationship with him?
-Since you seem to want to continue a relationship with him and he's just not communicating with you, why did you actually DELAY seeing him in person which is just about the worst thing you could have done?

At this point, if you want to communicate with this guy, it'd have to be in person. If you feel that you aren't secure enough with the relationship to fly to another country to see this guy (and I can't blame you if you feel that way), then you need to end the relationship and work towards moving on. You aren't going to get what you need through long distance communication. You just aren't.