Self-Harm Help (trigger warning)

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dragonsanddemons
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16 Sep 2017, 12:04 am

I started self-harming sometime in high school. It was really just a way to punish myself at first - whenever I felt I'd done something wrong, I'd scratch myself with the intent of causing pain. When I started college, it got worse - eventually I wouldn't stop until I saw blood, and then until I saw enough blood. Then somehow I managed to stop for a year or so - I wish I could remember how I did it, but I don't remember even really trying.

After graduating from college, I got a job cleaning at a retail store, and the holiday season last year was very challenging. There were only three people taking shifts cleaning at the store - a full-time worker, me, and another part-time worker. The other part-time worker quit the day after Black Friday, and every week I was asked to cover every shift the other part-time employee would have done (seriously, I saw what the schedule was supposed to be like, and it was every one, every week). The stress from that, and the feelings of inadequacy for not being able to cover all the shifts, brought back my depression and my tendency to self-harm.

Since then, I've been struggling with self-harm more than I have before, and within the past few months, I've started doing it just to make myself feel better, and on occasion, even for no real reason at all. I like the pain just fine, but what I really enjoy is seeing my own blood. Something about it just gives me a sensation I can't really describe, but I find it very pleasant. I've been kind of going through a cycle where one time I'll shock myself with something like the amount of blood or how long I spent doing it, and then I'll back off for a while. I'll start again, but I'll show more restraint - but only for a while. So my question is, how can I stop this? I've seen suggestions for things like using a red marker or dripping red food coloring where you want to cut, but nothing I've found is quite close enough.


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C2V
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16 Sep 2017, 5:22 am

Hmm.
1. Maybe you shouldn't be focusing on re-creating the experience of cutting yourself and drawing blood as closely as possible in some kind of substitute type approach that isn't going to recreate the experience anyway, and instead focus on what causes the need to enact the behaviour, and what you can do about remedying that instead.
You mention job stress is making you feel the need to do it. Have you addressed that job stress? Spoken to a supervisor and pointed out that it's unrealistic and unfair of them to expect you to cover someone else's entire job, and that they need to hire someone else so you can fulfill the hours you were employed to? That doesn't make you inadequate for not working yourself to death. Cleaning can be a very hard job to do day in and out, physically. (If you're still working there? Unclear).
2. Do you want to stop it? As in, is it a behaviour you dislike and don't want to continue? If so a deeper examination of why you're doing it and what exactly it does to benefit you, and understanding where that's coming from and what you can address instead (as in, the problem that is actually creating the behaviour, rather than the behaviour itself) can often work to undermine the unconscious portion of it and allow you to see how you, individually, need to respond so you won't have to do it, or find something else that gives you the same benefit. Doesn't always work, but it definitely can.


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dragonsanddemons
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17 Sep 2017, 3:46 am

Sorry, I forgot to mention that I'm pretty sure the work stress is what initially started my self-harm this time around, but it isn't the problem anymore. Sometime in January we got another part-time worker, so I was only working my regular shifts. And they were trying to get another employee, but still needed the hours covered until they could get one. Three weeks or so ago, I lost my job because the company was sold, and I guess the new company is using their people instead. But I didn't stop self-harming even when the stress was lifted. I've heard that self-harm can become an addiction. It releases endorphins or something that creates a similar sensation to being "high." I think that's at least a significant part of my problem now, although I do now have stress from job hunting, and feeling useless when I keep applying to places and hearing nothing back. Since getting rid of much of the stress didn't work, I was trying to find a way to kind of ease myself off of it.

I kind of have mixed feelings about stopping. On the one hand, it feels good, and does help me feel better. I scratch myself with clothing pin instead of using a blade, so I also feel like I can't really accidentally do any major harm - I wouldn't die from just a pinprick to even a major artery, would I? And my thighs (where I usually do it) already have scars, and had way too many visible veins to be pretty to begin with in my opinion, so what's the harm in a few more scars? But of course I wouldn't have asked for help with this if I had no interest in stopping. I know it's probably an addiction at this point, and that's not a good thing, and there's every possibility (maybe even probability) that if I don't stop, I'll keep progressing until I'm doing things where it is easy to accidentally do serious harm to myself, even if I'm not there now. So part of my brain is telling me I should stop and part is telling me it's okay, and I'm not entirely sure which part I should listen to.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


kraftiekortie
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18 Sep 2017, 9:17 am

But it causes harm to the skin. And can lead to infection---even a pinprick.



dragonsanddemons
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18 Sep 2017, 4:39 pm

It seems to me that it doesn't do a significant amount of damage. I'm past caring about scars at this point, and I'm not doing any other kind of lasting damage. I know that infection is always a risk, but I do use clean items (pins that have never been on the floor, and rinsing them in soapy water first) and use antibiotic ointment when I'm finished, and I've also been drawing blood on a regular basis for at least a year and have never had an infected wound in my life, so it feels like it isn't a major risk. But that might just be my brain trying to come up with excuses for why it's okay, even if I'm not consciously trying to come up with excuses.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


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18 Sep 2017, 5:41 pm

.


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Last edited by Raleigh on 18 Sep 2017, 7:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

dragonsanddemons
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18 Sep 2017, 7:24 pm

Raleigh wrote:
If you're confused, think of it this way - if someone came up to you and deliberately cut your skin with something that made you bleed, would you consider that they had harmed you?
If they kept doing it repeatedly so you got used to it, would that be any less harmful?
If they cut you repeatedly with a sterile instrument and then applied antiseptic afterwards, would that make it ok?
Would you consider harming another person in the same way as you harm yourself?
Would you harm someone you love in this way?

If not, why not?


Yep, you're right - it's called self-harm for a reason. I only mentioned the conflicting parts of my mind because I was asked if I truly wanted to stop. When I think about it rationally, I know I really should, and that's what I'm really asking for help with here. I'm pretty sure it's an addiction at this point, and I haven't been able to come up with any ideas to help me stop that work.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


Raleigh
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18 Sep 2017, 7:58 pm

Addiction isn't rational.


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EverythingAndNothing
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18 Sep 2017, 8:46 pm

This makes me sad. I self harmed for a number of years in my teens and I deeply regret it. You are right when you say that these things start relatively harmless and then progress. I started with bruises, went to scratching with my nails, then to broken glass, then to razors, then to box cutters. It felt good at the time but the scars that it leaves behind are embarrassing.

Have you tried therapy? I think sometimes the best thing to do is get to the root of why you're doing something. I wish I could help more but I kind of quit in a bad way. I used to have a fairly severe eating disorder and I stopped cutting by throwing myself into that more. It's not a fun path to go down. You'll find that one harmful addiction only leads into another until you deal with the real problem. I eventually got through all of it after quite a lot of therapy that helped me deal with all of the trauma in my life. It wasn't fun at all, but I would highly recommend it if it's an option for you.



dragonsanddemons
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20 Sep 2017, 9:37 pm

EverythingAndNothing wrote:
This makes me sad. I self harmed for a number of years in my teens and I deeply regret it. You are right when you say that these things start relatively harmless and then progress. I started with bruises, went to scratching with my nails, then to broken glass, then to razors, then to box cutters. It felt good at the time but the scars that it leaves behind are embarrassing.

Have you tried therapy? I think sometimes the best thing to do is get to the root of why you're doing something. I wish I could help more but I kind of quit in a bad way. I used to have a fairly severe eating disorder and I stopped cutting by throwing myself into that more. It's not a fun path to go down. You'll find that one harmful addiction only leads into another until you deal with the real problem. I eventually got through all of it after quite a lot of therapy that helped me deal with all of the trauma in my life. It wasn't fun at all, but I would highly recommend it if it's an option for you.


I'm trying, but I'm only getting one hour every two or three weeks, half of which my therapist tries to take up with "small talk," and that isn't really enough in my current state. Maybe I should mention that to my mom, who schedules my appointments.


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Yet in my new wildness and freedom I almost welcome the bitterness of alienage. For although nepenthe has calmed me, I know always that I am an outsider; a stranger in this century and among those who are still men.
-H. P. Lovecraft, "The Outsider"


Last bumped by dragonsanddemons on 20 Sep 2017, 9:37 pm.