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Awkward
Pileated woodpecker
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Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 187

17 Sep 2017, 8:35 am

I have aspergers syndrome. And i cant make friends. I just cant start a conversation with spmeone else. If they start a conversation, i reply. For example:

Other person: -How are you?
Me: -Fine

Because of shyness and autism and lack of social skills i cant make friends, i cant talk freely like other people. Im like a robot who answers questions.

Things i can do:
________
1. Replying to other people's questions (for example: how are you? Fine)

Things i cant do:
________
1. Starting conversation and talking freely with other people.

2. Ask for someones phone number.

3. Talking loudly or screaming among a group of people.

I can do these things only with my family (especially my mom). Because i know them very well. But i cant do these things with strangers.

Do you also experience same problem? And can i fix this problem (how?)

Thanks



AspieSingleDad
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17 Sep 2017, 9:00 am

This is a constant struggle for Aspies because we lack the ability to access the part of our brain that handles "Theory of Mind" which is responsible for many social skills neurotypicals (non autistics) enjoy. Technically we can still build social skills if we put in a great deal of effort, but we have mainly use the left part of our brain that wasn't designed for that (it's the analytical side).

The way I have compensated for this is to build "scripts" that I remember. You can do this by observing conversations of NTs in a public environment. You should be able to see NTs initiate conversations and be able to see their level of success and than recall what they said. I know it might seem like "spying", but I've always looked at it as programming my social skills.

You could also communicate this problem with your family and explain to them that you literally need help seeing how NTs communicate so that you can learn to mimic that type of communication. They should be able to get you started. When you begin to mimic these skills on your own, always keep alert. You might run into embarrassing experiences where an NT says something that's not in your script and you provide the wrong response. Try to laugh it off and found out what the correct response should have been and than file that away in your script.

This is going to be a lifelong endeavor, but as you continue to work on this you'll find that your social skills do improve. You should also work on understanding idioms and such so that when they are used you understand their real meaning so you don't take them literally. A good source for this and also building up your social skills is watching movies. That helped with me, and I was able to take lines from movies and adapt them to fit my needs in a conversation. Don't be taking any famous lines unless you are trying to crack a joke, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Hope this helps!



Awkward
Pileated woodpecker
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Joined: 28 Oct 2016
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 187

18 Sep 2017, 5:12 am

AspieSingleDad wrote:
This is a constant struggle for Aspies because we lack the ability to access the part of our brain that handles "Theory of Mind" which is responsible for many social skills neurotypicals (non autistics) enjoy. Technically we can still build social skills if we put in a great deal of effort, but we have mainly use the left part of our brain that wasn't designed for that (it's the analytical side).

The way I have compensated for this is to build "scripts" that I remember. You can do this by observing conversations of NTs in a public environment. You should be able to see NTs initiate conversations and be able to see their level of success and than recall what they said. I know it might seem like "spying", but I've always looked at it as programming my social skills.

You could also communicate this problem with your family and explain to them that you literally need help seeing how NTs communicate so that you can learn to mimic that type of communication. They should be able to get you started. When you begin to mimic these skills on your own, always keep alert. You might run into embarrassing experiences where an NT says something that's not in your script and you provide the wrong response. Try to laugh it off and found out what the correct response should have been and than file that away in your script.

This is going to be a lifelong endeavor, but as you continue to work on this you'll find that your social skills do improve. You should also work on understanding idioms and such so that when they are used you understand their real meaning so you don't take them literally. A good source for this and also building up your social skills is watching movies. That helped with me, and I was able to take lines from movies and adapt them to fit my needs in a conversation. Don't be taking any famous lines unless you are trying to crack a joke, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Hope this helps!


Thanks for reply. But i cant even start a conversation with someone. Im too shy and afraid of failing. What if i say something wrong? They will laugh at me. And i have a low voice tone. What if they doesnt hear me? I am afraid of everything so i do nothing i just sit in my room. That sucks.



HughDYork
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18 Sep 2017, 5:29 am

Awkward wrote:
AspieSingleDad wrote:

Hope this helps!


. Im too shy and afraid of failing. What if i say something wrong? They will laugh at me. And i have a low voice tone. What if they doesnt hear me? I am afraid of everything so i do nothing i just sit in my room..

HI You can talk to me and say whatever you want i'm shameless :D
You care too much about people in fact they don't give a damn on each other, Everybody thinks only about themselves. So no worries.



IgA
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19 Sep 2017, 10:53 pm

I can't do those things either -- but not because I'm shy, it is because I hate talking. Talking makes me tired. I only talk when I'm spoken to in person, & try to keep it short. I get irritated when I'm required to elaborate on any subject -- even if it is a subject I love. Wish I knew what causes verbal communication to make me so fatigued & irritated. I end up being seen as weird, because when I have to speak spontaneously for more than a few minutes, I have to force the words out. I think people may misunderstand me as being angry, when I'm just getting tired & trying to keep going to a good place to end the conversation.



Chronos
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19 Sep 2017, 10:58 pm

Awkward wrote:
I have aspergers syndrome. And i cant make friends. I just cant start a conversation with spmeone else. If they start a conversation, i reply. For example:

Other person: -How are you?
Me: -Fine

Because of shyness and autism and lack of social skills i cant make friends, i cant talk freely like other people. Im like a robot who answers questions.

Things i can do:
________
1. Replying to other people's questions (for example: how are you? Fine)

Things i cant do:
________
1. Starting conversation and talking freely with other people.

2. Ask for someones phone number.

3. Talking loudly or screaming among a group of people.

I can do these things only with my family (especially my mom). Because i know them very well. But i cant do these things with strangers.

Do you also experience same problem? And can i fix this problem (how?)

Thanks


A person who acts in a shy manner fails to follow social norms, and those who fail to follow social norms stand out. It becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The best way to not stand out is to blend in, and the best way to blend in is to learn some social skills.



AspieSingleDad
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19 Sep 2017, 11:03 pm

Awkward wrote:
AspieSingleDad wrote:
This is a constant struggle for Aspies because we lack the ability to access the part of our brain that handles "Theory of Mind" which is responsible for many social skills neurotypicals (non autistics) enjoy. Technically we can still build social skills if we put in a great deal of effort, but we have mainly use the left part of our brain that wasn't designed for that (it's the analytical side).

The way I have compensated for this is to build "scripts" that I remember. You can do this by observing conversations of NTs in a public environment. You should be able to see NTs initiate conversations and be able to see their level of success and than recall what they said. I know it might seem like "spying", but I've always looked at it as programming my social skills.

You could also communicate this problem with your family and explain to them that you literally need help seeing how NTs communicate so that you can learn to mimic that type of communication. They should be able to get you started. When you begin to mimic these skills on your own, always keep alert. You might run into embarrassing experiences where an NT says something that's not in your script and you provide the wrong response. Try to laugh it off and found out what the correct response should have been and than file that away in your script.

This is going to be a lifelong endeavor, but as you continue to work on this you'll find that your social skills do improve. You should also work on understanding idioms and such so that when they are used you understand their real meaning so you don't take them literally. A good source for this and also building up your social skills is watching movies. That helped with me, and I was able to take lines from movies and adapt them to fit my needs in a conversation. Don't be taking any famous lines unless you are trying to crack a joke, "I love the smell of napalm in the morning."

Hope this helps!


Thanks for reply. But i cant even start a conversation with someone. Im too shy and afraid of failing. What if i say something wrong? They will laugh at me. And i have a low voice tone. What if they doesnt hear me? I am afraid of everything so i do nothing i just sit in my room. That sucks.


Can you ask a family member come to a social event with you to support you and help you with social situations. If you can practice, it might relieve some of the anxiety. When I was your age, I was extremely shy but met some people online and became friends with them in person eventually. Just keep safe if you try that approach.



wrongcitizen
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20 Sep 2017, 2:40 am

Awkward wrote:
I have aspergers syndrome. And i cant make friends. I just cant start a conversation with spmeone else. If they start a conversation, i reply. For example:

Other person: -How are you?
Me: -Fine

Because of shyness and autism and lack of social skills i cant make friends, i cant talk freely like other people. Im like a robot who answers questions.

Things i can do:
________
1. Replying to other people's questions (for example: how are you? Fine)

Things i cant do:
________
1. Starting conversation and talking freely with other people.

2. Ask for someones phone number.

3. Talking loudly or screaming among a group of people.

I can do these things only with my family (especially my mom). Because i know them very well. But i cant do these things with strangers.

Do you also experience same problem? And can i fix this problem (how?)

Thanks


I'm not as sure how to help but I can tell you, I have exactly the same problem. I'm loud and friendly towards family, mostly my mom, everyone else follows very closely. I'm good with my friends but very restricted, and sometimes I do inappropriate things. With people I don't know I'm practically mute and I don't quite know how to fix that. I'm shy, and I let people step all over me. It's funny because when I was younger I was much more outspoken. Something happened and I was hit with a wave of anxiety that crippled my confrontation skills.



Michael829
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Joined: 29 Aug 2017
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24 Sep 2017, 3:00 pm

That's been my experience too. All through pre-secondary school and secondary school, I didn't make friends, and, more important, I didn't have a girlfriend, or any experiences of that sort. My life was Nothingsville, literally.

When I was in 1st grade (the first year of school), about 6 years old, a girl my age, at school, asked me if she could be my girlfriend. I said I'd think about it--but I knew there was nothing to think about, because, in the dull, dead routine of my good-boy loser role, it wasn't permitted for me to have a girlfriend.

That was just the first of about 100 similar life-rejecting mistakes.

No life. I completely missed my youth.

Eventually, when I was 30, I was spending time with a neighbor of a family friend, and that was the only way I could meet her. She became my first girlfriend.

Of course you don't want to wait till you're 30 to start your life.

From my experience, how would I have done differently when I was your age?

(Be patient with this ramble--I claim that I have something useful to say here.)

I think it can be alright to not know what's going on socially, alright to be socially-unsure..

The only reason why it's problematic is because of a really bad social environment, hostile, anti-life society around us. Asperger's makes us vulnerable to that adverse societal influence.

So I say that Asperger's isn't, of itself, a problem or a disorder. It's merely a big disadvantage in a hostile, anti-life society.

It seems to me that I let other people (parents, school authorities, society in general) determine and decide reality for me. That was my mistake. Of course it started when I was a toddler, and proceeded for a long time before I ever got to pre-secondary school.

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with not understanding people, not knowing what's going on socially, as long as we don't let others define reality for us and make us afraid to live.

Social self-assurance is touted and asserted, especially by physical and social bullies (and lots of people are social bullies, whether they know or admit it or not). That doesn't make social self-assurance a life-necessity.

That's what I'm getting at here.

So live as the socially-unsure person that you are (...as are all of us Asperger's people).

Who says social sureness is necessary? NTs?

After all, not knowing what's going on means you can find out. What you don't know, is there for you to find out. That's a good thing. Something to explore.

Exploration, open-ness to life.

That approach to life is what I'd do differently...instead of giving in to fear, letting fear dominate my life, afraid to find out if life is there for me. ...letting fear snuff-out my life.

Being socially unsure doesn't have to mean being afraid to take social chances, and find out whatever you're unsure of, if you feel like it.

With open-ness to life, and an exploratory attitude, follow your feelings and wishes. Social unsure-ness is to be explored.

I've been trying to describe how, based on experience, I'd live differently, at your age.

Better to take social chances, to be willing to explore what you're unsure of, instead of letting unsureness make you afraid to find out.

Michael829


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