Understanding someone with ASD and alexithymia ?

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Zebra3
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18 Sep 2017, 6:03 pm

Hi,

Sorry for the length :?

Here are the protagonists of the story :
-A 32yo girl I had a massive crush on and who seemed pretty nice, until she went apeshit on the phone and slowly kicked me out of her life, and that I think has asperger syndrome (looking like borderline syndrome disorder), I also think she’s coping with it through the « denial and arrogance » strategy among the 4 strategies identified by Tony Attwood.
And I also think she has alexithymia giving her a very « personal » appreciation of reality, somehow taking EVERYTHING I say as negative.

-Me, 35yo dude, probably gifted (high IQ or mostly high emotional quotient) or with light AS traits, meeting her changed my life as the crush I had on her took me out of a +-15 years long false-self, which led to a late teen crisis at +30y.o. My life went pretty awry after that and I went through pretty much every emotional state you can think of during a couple years (love, despair, teen crisis, grieving, etc…)
Basically this chain of events instantly made her the most important person in my life even if I didn’t even knew her : she was just my physiotherapist and moved back to her hometown a few weeks after I told her that crush, but it was the first time in my life that I found the strength to tell my feelings.

Then this whole story just makes even less sense :

Long story short, we hadn’t even sympathized as she moved back to her place as she was temporarily in town for a replacement (talk about bad luck…) but I was devastated like I didn’t know I could because of all meeting her changed in my life and mind.
Found her on facebook out of despair, tried to get in touch, just to keep something out of this meeting.
I still had feelings for her when she replied short of one year later and seemed pretty nice.
I didn’t hope for a relationship, I just thought we could be friends in the long run and maybe meet some day if I was near her place or her near mine, but things went way faster as she was using words you wouldn’t use if you weren’t friends, and only a few months later she invited me for a week-end at her place pretty much out of the blue.

I think you’ll agree that anyone with a theory of mind would understand that a girl inviting a guy she barely knows to her place for a week-end could seriously imply the possibility of a relationship (short or longer), moreover when the guy says he should rather get a hotel room as they don't know each other enough to stay at her place and that she doesn't tell the guy she has a boyfriend, but it seems like she didn’t realized it :roll: :roll: :roll: .

After struggling finding a day to meet she eventualy cancelled and when I told her I thought this could have meant she had been interested in me, she went apeshit on the phone, as if I had been trying to abuse her. I did everything I could to explain it was a misunderstanding, but overtime she simply stopped replying to my messages, and slowly kicked me out of her life.

This story could go on and on with detailed explanations but I’ve come to the conclusion that she has ASD with alexithymia and that this ridiculous misunderstanding permanently labeled me as « bad » in her mind, no matter what I say. I made a long explanation about how this was a misunderstanding and apologized that things escalated and that I never wanted her to feel betrayed, I explained her everything about the false-self collapse, late teen crisis, grieving when she moved as meeting her changed my life and that I don’t care about being her boyfriend but that just getting to know her and having her as a distant friend was the most important thing in my life, I even explained her some differences between romantic love and affection or friendship, to no avail.
To this day I’m still grieving the most important person in my life who’s alive somewhere 400km from where I am, but I most likely won’t see her ever again.

With this description, can anyone enlighten me on what may be going on in her mind ?

How on earth giving all the love a human is able to feel, either as love, affection, friendship, respect, inspiration, to someone could lead that person to kick you out of her life ?
Is she stuck on the thought that I’d still want to be her boyfriend ?
That I could abuse her ?
Is she scared ?
Is she still feeling betrayed ?
Is she feeling things she can’t identified and choses to cut ties as a safe exit ?
Doesn’t she understand what friendship, grieving, respect, inspiration mean ?
Is she totally social-blind and unable to realize it hurts me ? Even for a second ? No empathy at all ?

Is there anything I could say or do to make her understand I’m no weirdo trying to abuse her ?
Or is she in denial, refusing to get in touch again just for the sake of not acknowledging she was wrong ?



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19 Sep 2017, 8:10 pm

I'm accepting your invitation to answer your post, thanks for inviting me. Although, while I have your best interest in mind in answering this post, you might not be happy.

I had to read your post a few times before I could get what I understand to be the gist of it. For Aspies the "devil is in the details", but I believe I only have a very generalized understanding of your post. So there's a part of it that I might be taking literally as well, and perhaps you are being facetious? It sounds like she was your massage therapist or something (part I might be taking literally when that isn't what you meant), and you began to have feelings for her and finally told her. While she wasn't upset that you had feelings for her, she moved away a few weeks later and so you never built a relationship with her.

It than sounds like, because she moved, she got a boyfriend. In the mean time, not knowing she has a boyfriend, you message her on Facebook and she invites you for the weekend. You think you're going to have a romantic encounter, but instead she cancels and when you admit you hoped things would get romantic she flipped out and ended contact with you.

With all that said (assuming I even got the details right), you asked some questions about her thoughts. The problem is, if she's an Aspie, she's not having thoughts about you that involve feelings.

-So she's not stuck on the thought that you hope you'll be her boyfriend. She's not stuck on you at all. She's currently 400 km away with a boyfriend. She might think about interactions with you in the past every now and again, but without emotion or a desire to contact you.
-She's not worried about you abusing her. For the most part, out of sight, out of mind.
-So I think answering the rest of these would come across as mean and harsh, and that is NOT where I'm coming from at all. On the contrary, I have empathy for you and I'm also concerned (for you). The problem with the rest of your questions is they center around her having thoughts or concerns about you, and I simply don't believe she has those feelings.

Okay, so I've ripped the bandaid off quickly, and I hope that was the right thing to do and didn't cause too much pain. Listen, let's talk about you, because you are your own person. It seems to me like, when you broke contact with her, your life took a turn for the worse. No doubt you were hurt, and you obviously have feelings for her. Ask yourself this question: Did your life *really* take a turn for the worse when you lost contact with her, or is thinking life would have been different if you had her in your life an excuse for the way things have turned out? Now, before you think I'm being harsh again, NT and Aspie alike, we are all guilty of this type of reasoning. ALL OF US! So, welcome to the human population, I guess you can eliminate the possibility of being Jesus or something.

It seems like what you've done is taken your identity and more or less surrendered it to the *thought* of this woman; this woman that you admitted you don't really know. Why do I emphasize the word "thought", it's because you admitted you don't really *know* this woman, so all you can do is create thoughts that aren't based on reality (another word for that is fantasies). The problem is, you are a separate human being who matters in this world, gosh darn it, and while I'm sure this woman may be pretty and smart or whatever, she doesn't deserve your continual thoughts about her. And you deserve better than to be left to thoughts about somebody who got away, and how life may or may not have been different had things been different.

I think you should consider getting some counseling to get over losing a relationship with her (and more the thoughts of what a relationship would have been like had you had one). I also think you need to find out why you became so fixated on her after she left. I can assure you the reason won't have anything to do with her so much as yourself. Because this whole thing you're doing isn't about her, it's all you. Perhaps you feel you don't have an identity, perhaps you have low self-esteem, perhaps you have an addictive personality....I don't know. Whatever the reason, it won't be because you're a bad person. It'll be because you have some areas in your life you need to work on, just like we all do (welcome again to the human population).

By all means, don't contact her because it seems like she doesn't want to be contacted. There's a song by Gloria Gaynor (best version) called, "I Will Survive". I think you should listen to it and imagine it's like 10 years later and you have this hot lady and you're in a long term relationship with and than *she* comes along and you are pissed because you've moved on with your life.

Most important, you should seek counseling to become a better person and get over these thoughts. By the way, my wife passed away a few years ago and I had to seek counseling, so please don't feel I'm being condescending. There are things that happen in life you can't get over without help.

You still want me to post on your thread? :?:



Zebra3
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20 Sep 2017, 6:19 pm

Hey, thanks for your answer and taking the time to read.

Sorry but my answer is quite long, as I need the details to explain why life made her so important to me.

Yes you got that right. She was my physiotherapist, and I had a crush for her at the first appointment, but it took me months to realize it as it was meeting her that took me out of the false-self and reconnected me to my deep emotions (up to that point I was a shy, introvert geek detached from my deep emotions, living at mom and dad with no particular goal in life, caring more about my little bro' and the problems between my parents than about my own life and future).
A couple of months after I told her my feelings she moved back to her town when her replacement was over.
When she replied to my facebook message a year later, I just thought she was super kind and human, knowing how much meeting her could mean to me, I wasn’t hoping for a relationship and just thought we would have a conversation about how meeting her changed my life (meeting her even inspired me to sign up for horse riding) and maybe we’d meet some day. I didn’t even asked to befriend her on facebook as I thought that was inappropriate and I didn’t wanted to get a sneak peek at her life while I was still trying to build mine, so I only sent her text messages.
I was still very affected by all that happened to me that year so I didn’t realize her messages were weird right from the start. For instance, in french (I am french^^) we have the formal way (« vous ») and familiar way (« tu ») to adress someone. For a conversation between a physiotherapist and a former patient, you’d expect to use the formal way, but she proposed to use the familiar way right from the second message.
In fact that sums up the whole story : She kept acting too familiar (sometimes using « kiss » as greetings to her messages, inviting me for a week-end) while not paying much attention to what I was saying, until is all went south.

So yeah this whole story is so intricate that it’s difficult to summarize.
And indeed it’s about me, I have a psychotherapist since 6 years now (coincidently, just before I met this girl), she thinks I have a gifted mind (mostly hyper emotional, hyper empathic and that I unconsciously shut down my emotions so as not to suffer), and I’m thinking I may have aspie traits (my dad seems to have ASD and my best friend (and pretty much the only one) has ASD too).

On why I became so fixated on her, I think I pretty much figured it out and it’s more complex than one would think.
I don’t know if I have ASD (or at least some traits), but I’ve read Tony Attwood’s book and found many things that speak to me about this story.
I’m thinking that after the 15 years of false-self that led to a sort of existential collapse and a late teen crisis at 30y.o., this girl may have become my « specific interest ».
He also says the specific interest can be a way to overcome a difficult time, citing a kid who read countless books about heart problems to understand his grandfather’s passing.
I’ve spent the most of those last 4 years reading websites about psychology and autism, and it’s only since a few months, since the ASD hypothesis kind of quench my thirst for answers, that I can think a bit about something else.

I had feelings for her but it was much more than that, she was inspirational, like when you’re a teen and you need to identify to someone to « grow up », to build yourself as an adult, either your friends or someone older, some kind of role model.
In a « normal » life, the 1st person you like (I mean as a friend) is probably in childhood, the 1st love is often during teen years, persons you identify to can be several persons during junior high and high school, or some role model. What I mean is those fundamental meeting usually are different people and the emotions are spread out on them.
But in my case, because of the false-self, being detached from my deep emotions, it’s like all those emotions were stuck in me for years, and that when they got unstuck it all concentrated on her, and in a finger snap it made her my 1st love, my only teen role model, the first person I wanted to truly meet as the « real » me, and the person who’s meeting got me out of the false-self.
That’s why I truly think I could care less about being her boyfriend, but why having her as a friend meant so much, and why it was a grief much more than a brokenheart.
It’s really difficult to explain, I feel that even my psy don’t quite get it.
It’s like 15 years of my life folded on itself (or even 30 as the first 15 years were henceforth quite far away in the past), like a « big crunch », and that a sort of « new me » was born, like some kind of « big bang », all that revolving around meeting her.
You say « perhaps you feel you don’t have an identity », yep’, sort of, the false-self ended through an « existential collapse », and all my passions, hobbies, dreams disappeared within a few months as if it wasn’t authentic (I was scared it was schizophrenia at first), and a sort of « new me » was born (all that explain why I suddenly wanted to go horse riding, just like a teen who wants to hang out with his junior high buddies and do everything like them, except I was 32… talk about weird…).
I think that’s why it’s so hard. I guess forgetting an ex-girlfriend could be ok, but forgetting someone who’s meeting is the starting point of my « second life » is much more difficult.

For a year I did my best to recover, every day was some kind of yin-yang between the energy of that late teen crisis and the suffering of grieving her and my « old self ».
Then she replied, behaved as if we’d meet, we’d be friends, or even in a relationship, then she cancelled, ignored me and blacklisted me. It was too much to handle.

I know whatever I imagine wouldn’t have happen as she really seems to have ASD, and that’s also probably what makes it so difficult, because it’s like « life » itself made her so important even if she could never have fulfilled the role life gave her, if that makes any sense.
And what I think is that it’s all because of the false-self. You simply can’t have « normal », smooth life, when you’ve spent 15 years detached from your emotions and that you go through teen crisis 15 years after everybody else did.

In fact, I think meeting her was some kind of switch : Had I meet her, like just once a year and keeping in touch through facebook, all that late teen crisis energy would’ve blossomed to build my life.
When she blacklisted me it was as if I was losing a loved one again, and it drained all that energy into coping with that grief, instead of building my new born self. Currently I feel detached from society. I have a job but I don’t feel the desire to connect with people, I suffered too much. I don’t feel the need for a girlfriend, nor for friends, to quote your example, I can't project me 10 years later, I have no plan for next week so 10 years later is way too far :? . I gave up horse riding after a fall at some point through this story and I just ride my bike from time to time with a group of varied people and that’s enough human connections, and I have my parents too.

It felt like « why ? ». Why wake up, gather my strength and courage to tell my feelings, go through a false self collapse, late teen crisis, grieving of her, grieving of my old self, go horse riding, get in touch again, think we’re going to be friends or even in a relationship.
At some point I guess the question could have been « why keep on living ? », but I have a mind that needs to truly understand things and the need to understand her behavior engulfed my mind, hence all the questions about her, understanding her behavior may be some kind of a hobby :| .

The idea of an addictive personality is interesting, as I’ve always been quite obsessed in my hobbies (such metal bands, mangas, etc), but I’m absolutely not addicted the way it’s described. I never smoked, don’t do drugs, and don’t drink much, only occasionnally, and I don't have any other addiction, quite the contrary in fact (herbal tea maybe ? :lol: ).
So I think I may have aspie traits with some specific interests, or that I'm aspie with a lot of empathy if that exists, or that being sort of scared to truly live my life, I keep my emotions inside but it kind of leaks out of me on a few, selected, obsessive interests. Maybe I'm schizoid, a general lack of interest for life after suffering too much.

So, to conclude, having all those emotions directed towards her even if I don’t know her, and thinking that if she’s aspie she's just unable to care is « a bit » harsh :wink: . It's weird, she was super nice as a physiotherapist, and very soft and professional, but as a human being she was so rude and unempathic :( . After thinking she manipulated me, I came to thinking she indeed wanted to be nice, but her ASD makes her so clumsy at it... Sadly I think it all went south with her boyfriend, but if she's in denial there's nothing one can do.



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22 Sep 2017, 8:13 am

I too am confused. Here's a big part of why -

Zebra3 wrote:
How on earth giving all the love a human is able to feel, either as love, affection, friendship, respect, inspiration, to someone could lead that person to kick you out of her life ?
Is she stuck on the thought that I’d still want to be her boyfriend ?
That I could abuse her ?
Is she scared ?
Is she still feeling betrayed ?
Is she feeling things she can’t identified and choses to cut ties as a safe exit ?
Doesn’t she understand what friendship, grieving, respect, inspiration mean ?

I'm alexithymic - and I have basically no conception of what any of those emotions even are. It just would not occur to me at all. Without an emotional basis, it is often necessary to have a strong cognitive one. I would assume, if any of these concepts had even entered the radar of an alexithymic autistic, she would seek very plain clarification. Ask you what, exactly, is your objective, and then tell you outright if that coincides with hers or not.
It's different for each person of course, as I have noted elsewhere on these forums today. But if she is of the emotionally unable breed rather than just the emotionally inexpressive variety (neither seem likely, if she went apeshit, she's feeling, identifying, processing and expressing emotion well enough) then no, she may not be able to experience what friendship, or grieving, or love, or any of those ideas actually mean in an emotional sense.
But I'm a bit confused as to how you think this situation has anything to do with alexithymia?
The only indication I could get from that story is your perception of her lack of empathy for failing to anticipate your feelings toward her. But from your description, your feelings seem a bit disproportionate to be building all this around a physiotherapist who was nice enough to you, moved away for a year, and then made some plans to meet up that didn't end up happening for whatever reason. For me, it would be not only impossible to understand the feelings you describe, but impossible to connect that intensity of emotion to something so seemingly small.
Your other point was her use of familial language - I don't know how this is connected culturally in France, but many people here, especially women, use words like "love," "darling, "sweetie," etc in a colloquial sense, to demonstrate friendliness in a completely platonic way. Is it possible you misunderstood such a colloquialism?
Also, many autistics do not possess the ability to understand the social implications of their actions or how that might appear to someone else, and completely failing to understand what "signals" anyone else was reading into their behaviour. It could be possible she simply wanted to form an acquaintance with you, and you've massively jumped the proverbial gun and started "interested in me" talk, and she was put off by that, as she is already involved and didn't need that kind of attention.


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Zebra3
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24 Sep 2017, 3:52 pm

Thanks for your answer.
I must say, this is « pretty weird » in a fascinating way to read a sentence such as « I have basically no conception of what any of those emotions even are. It just would not occur to me at all. »

I hope my question doesn’t come off as rude but then how can you describe YOUR emotions ? What kind of emotions do you feel ? Do you kind of « miss » not knowing those emotions ? And knowing that you have alexithymia, do you go along well with people ? And how did you got aware of it ?
Sorry again but in a way it’s kind of fascinating, I mean in a « human way », to try to « think » or « feel » differently.
I mean, it’s really weird, those are all emotions « anyone » expect « anyone else » to know, that we hear about all the time, in books, movies, songs, whatever, but that people with alexithymia don’t understand.
It’s kind of mind-boggling.

So yes my feelings towards her were totally disproportionate but to tell exactly all the details to explain why I think she’s aspie and maybe alexithymic would be way too long. The overall feeling was that she would take 5 minutes of her day to answer my message without really reacting to what I said, or just superficially, never in a more profound way, and then think of something else the next second, as if I existed in her head only as a text message, and that she didn’t realize those messages were written by a living human being with feelings and emotions.
The problem is not so much the fact she canceled the week-end, but how it « faded away ». At first she seemed to be trying to sort this out : A few weeks after the 1st phone call where she went apeshit, we had a couple of phone calls were I thought I could explain better all that happened to me, but she kind of interrupted me several times, tried to tell a few arguments about how sometimes you have to get by on your own, and after that she simply stopped answering my messages as if I didn’t exist anymore, as if all that never happened.

That’s why I think she could be alexithymic. If, like you, she can’t understand my emotions, then no wonder the story went this way. If we had been face to face maybe it could’ve ended better, but through messages and from far away, this was way to abstract for her.
Is this what you mean by saying that ?
« Without an emotional basis, it is often necessary to have a strong cognitive one. »
That lacking the capacities to understand these emotions, she would’ve need to perceive my intentions better ? Through interactions and dialogue ?

Or maybe she’s not alexithymic but only aspie in a more « borderline » way, by the « denial and arrogance » strategy as described by Tony Attwood.

And yeah, I understand you may use nice words to demonstrate friendliness, but using « kiss » for a conversation between a physiotherapist and a former patient is awkward, it’s like saying kiss to your boss. And again, the problem is not so much that she used it, but that she wouldn’t acknowledge that this was awkward and misleading, she wouldn’t take her part of the misunderstanding (remember that she invited me for a week-end at her place without ever saying me she had a boyfriend, seriously, who would do that ?).



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25 Sep 2017, 1:25 am

Zebra3 wrote:
Thanks for your answer.
I must say, this is « pretty weird » in a fascinating way to read a sentence such as « I have basically no conception of what any of those emotions even are. It just would not occur to me at all. »

I hope my question doesn’t come off as rude but then how can you describe YOUR emotions ? What kind of emotions do you feel ? Do you kind of « miss » not knowing those emotions ? And knowing that you have alexithymia, do you go along well with people ? And how did you got aware of it ?
Sorry again but in a way it’s kind of fascinating, I mean in a « human way », to try to « think » or « feel » differently.
I mean, it’s really weird, those are all emotions « anyone » expect « anyone else » to know, that we hear about all the time, in books, movies, songs, whatever, but that people with alexithymia don’t understand.
It’s kind of mind-boggling.

So yes my feelings towards her were totally disproportionate but to tell exactly all the details to explain why I think she’s aspie and maybe alexithymic would be way too long. The overall feeling was that she would take 5 minutes of her day to answer my message without really reacting to what I said, or just superficially, never in a more profound way, and then think of something else the next second, as if I existed in her head only as a text message, and that she didn’t realize those messages were written by a living human being with feelings and emotions.
The problem is not so much the fact she canceled the week-end, but how it « faded away ». At first she seemed to be trying to sort this out : A few weeks after the 1st phone call where she went apeshit, we had a couple of phone calls were I thought I could explain better all that happened to me, but she kind of interrupted me several times, tried to tell a few arguments about how sometimes you have to get by on your own, and after that she simply stopped answering my messages as if I didn’t exist anymore, as if all that never happened.

That’s why I think she could be alexithymic. If, like you, she can’t understand my emotions, then no wonder the story went this way. If we had been face to face maybe it could’ve ended better, but through messages and from far away, this was way to abstract for her.
Is this what you mean by saying that ?
« Without an emotional basis, it is often necessary to have a strong cognitive one. »
That lacking the capacities to understand these emotions, she would’ve need to perceive my intentions better ? Through interactions and dialogue ?

Or maybe she’s not alexithymic but only aspie in a more « borderline » way, by the « denial and arrogance » strategy as described by Tony Attwood.

And yeah, I understand you may use nice words to demonstrate friendliness, but using « kiss » for a conversation between a physiotherapist and a former patient is awkward, it’s like saying kiss to your boss. And again, the problem is not so much that she used it, but that she wouldn’t acknowledge that this was awkward and misleading, she wouldn’t take her part of the misunderstanding (remember that she invited me for a week-end at her place without ever saying me she had a boyfriend, seriously, who would do that ?).

It is definitely interesting to me, too. No one talks to me about emotional things - probably for fairly obvious reasons. :wink:
It is a bit weird that she used overly affectionate language and made invitations, maybe innocently, but didn't realize it was possibly inappropriate for a professional relationship and giving you the wrong idea, but that does seem more like a clueless autistic trait than an alexithymic one. Maybe she was just trying to strike up a friendship, but doing it clumsily?
I really have to try not to waffle with this alexithymic explanation, too.
Emotionally - I generally operate with a sort of benign equilibrium. A vacantly cheerful neutral which isn't anything in particular. For stand-out emotions I can identify frustration/rage mostly, because it is direct, strong, and simple. It's all very inconsistent with what works/doesn't work in an autistic alexithymic's brain, as things I can feel - like rage - are supposedly seated in the same parts of the limbic system as emotions such as love, which I cannot feel. Other things are less certain - like interest. I can be highly interested in something, but can't understand what emotions might be in that.
I can't say I miss those emotions as according to the diagnosing therapist I was likely born this way, just another neurological divergence. It may be a case not not missing something you've never had.
It depends on what you mean by get along well with people - my involvement with people is purely utilitarian. And I can do that equitably enough, taking usual autistic problems into account. What I don't seem to be able to do is have personal relationships. I assume because I have zero empathy, don't feel love, affection, attachment etc, and other people seem to require those things from their friends or lovers. It seems a purely cognitive respect or well-regard isn't enough for them. I can regard someone well, function positively in a superficial interaction, but when people figure out some fundamental things are "missing" it seems to freak them right out. I like to think I'm a fairly pleasant person, as I operate on very well developed cognitive ethics, but others seem to be under the misconception that having no emotional regard makes you nasty, or violent. It doesn't, necessarily, if you have a grip on your philosophical position.
Which is how I became aware of it. Once I had enough awareness of other people to realize we were pretty fundamentally different in ways more than just autism, I sought answers as to why. Alexithymic traits will often overlap with some psychopathic traits so I investigated that, but lack many of the key diagnostic criteria there. The minus is the same, but the plus - ego, manipulation, pathological lying etc, definitely isn't.
And yes it is really weird. Which is why people assume "all humans" possess these emotional basics. Maybe I'm not human in the psychological sense.
What I meant by needing a strong cognitive understanding due to a lack of an emotional one would be long too, but suffice to note that for me, I cannot just rely on automatically feeling the correct things as other people do. I have to deliberately work all this out, intellectually understand, and then decide on the correct response or course of action, by considering all aspects of a situation. There is no automatic, easy, emotional "check."
So for example someone like you came at me in this highly emotional way, I wouldn't understand - I would have to clarify in detail what exactly your position involves and why, try to intellectually understand the processes you are interpreting using your emotions, and work out a correct response which suited us both. Because I believe harming other forms of life is unethical, philosophically rather than emotionally. Maybe that makes sense?


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26 Sep 2017, 9:57 am

C2V - You just described me.
Thank you!



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03 Oct 2017, 5:38 pm

Yep’, unless she’s totally messed up in her head, played with me and lied to cover it, I think she was just trying to be nice, but being totally clumsy. If she’s aspie with very limited theory of mind, she may never have « put herself in my shoes », so she may have been trying to act nicely without spontaneously feeling it.
So she may simply be aspie, but like you she may not have empathy, cuz’ I did all I could to tell her I was sorry for the misunderstanding and that she meant much more to me than a romantic interest, to no avail.
If, like you describe, rage and love are in the same part of the brain, maybe she mixes it up in her brain, and feels scared by what I say.

Thanks for you description, it’s really interesting.

But what would happen if you were betrayed ? Say you start a business with a few partners, put a bit of money in the business, but one of them takes it all and disappears, you should feel betrayed, but what would you feel then ?

The curious thing is that I recognize myself in what you say, to some extent (« vacantly cheerful neutral »), though I don’t know if that’s simply me, or if I’m oversensitive, suffer when I try to connect and end up being unsensitive to protect myself.
That’s weird cuz’ this girl is pretty much the only person I ever wanted to create a « bond » with, otherwise I don’t really feel it. As you describe, if I meet people, I’m nice, though quite shy, lighthearted, but I don’t make any step to get closer, I sort of feel like a teen lost in an adult world, maybe I'm just afraid. Sometimes I’ve been asked if I have a facebook account, and I just reply « yes », not realising that I’m probably supposed to give my name so they can add me as a contact.

My psy thinks I’m gifted (mostly hyper-emotionnal), and I personally think « giftedness » may be some sort of bridge between NT ans autism, so that could make sense.

Again your last paragraph could apply to that girl as well. At first it seemed like she tried to sort things out by accepting a few phone calls, but again it was as if she was acting nicely but not feeling it spontaneously, and at some point she just stopped replying to my messages, as if she couldn’t trust me enough.
So, whether she’s aspie only or aspie and alexithymic, I can’t know for sure, but I’m pretty sure she’s in denial and consequently she doesn’t have all the knowledge and consciousness of her peculiarities like you and most people on these messageboard.