Aspie Disconnect Between Actions, Words, Feelings?

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So my aspie friend makes me crazy. Haven't spoken in almost 2 months. But I was wondering if anyone could explain the massive disconnect between how an aspie acts, his words in electronic communication, and what he really feels. Here is what I mean:

-actions: in person he is kind, polite, considerate, and demonstrates desire for friendship and closeness. Says very nice things, like he feels closer to me than any other person. Made effort to spend time together, is almost flirtatious.

-words, especially electronic communications: can be downright vicious at times. Says mean angry things, like telling me I should spend more time thinking about me instead of him. Accuses me of crossing boundaries in the friendship that he himself pushed first. No matter what I say, it's uncomfortable or wrong. Then ends by saying maybe he'll come for a visit sometime. And then nothing for nearly 2 months.

-how he really feels???? Who the h*ll knows!! !! !

It's not okay. It's just not.
I am all kinds of messed up over this. How do you walk away and just ignore all that hurt and confusion with no closure, understanding, or reconciliation? You can't.

He may just not be a good choice of romantic partner for you, regardless of neurologic. Not everybody is a good match for everybody else. I think AS and NT alike can be confused about how they want to act in terms of pursuing a romance (is this the right person for me? Am i gonna get hurt? Am i gonna hurt them? Am i gonna lose the friendship if i pursue then romantically?) So this can result in confusion and mixed signals. I'm sorry i can't offer more insight. Maybe just open yourself up to connecting with others, and don't get too hung up on this one guy who doesn't seem to be ready for a relationship.

I hear what your saying. But my bewilderment is why there is such a disconnect... Super kind one minute then cruel and mean the next, usually in email or other online types of communication. I thought I had a close friend. Everyone knew how close we were.... Everyone except him apparently. It made me question everything I thought about where I stood with him. So it's about the disconnect in his actions and words and whatever it is that goes on in his head, things don't match up.

Maybe the problem is you.

I had a roommate that I tried my best to be nice to, but she justvwound me up the wrong way. Occasionally I was just snap because she just irritated me so much.

I tried to pretend to be friends for the sake of the peace, but i really didn't like her.

I reckon she was probably bewildered that I could be nice and friendly sometimes and snap at her and say nasty things on other occasions.

I just found her controlling and she encroached upon my space and my life in a very demanding leech like way.

I so understand your sense of bewilderment, anger and loss . . . It is such a difficult path to navigate.

I'm not sure though that your friend suggesting you spend more time looking after yourself rather than him is a negative comment. It may be genuinely how he feels that you should look after and protect and care for yourself. This is a caring sentiment. . .. . You are attaching meaning to it that he is rejections your offers to look after him a little?
I don't know- all humans are different whether neurotypical or diverse, but certainly with my friend I have learned that a lot of the time he has no idea how he feels (in fact he tells me this) . .. . Sometimes he reacts to me in a gentle affectionate manner (hugs and gentleness) . .. . Sometimes it's is banter and teasing fun fun fun type interactions . ., . ,, .i think I used to get confused by these fpdifferent levels of interaction, now I just accept it for what it is.

Trust I now see is a huge element of our friendship. . .. . When he feels or felt I was continually pushing him for an emotional connection or vocalising of our closeness and friendship he put up all sorts of boundaries to prevent me going to that place. I'm not sure if it was conscious or subconscious reaction. Unwritten rules appeared. He would simply ognore certain questions. Would suddenly have things to do if I began the emotional questioning . .. . .i think I was trying to make sense of our friendship and work out whether he actually cared at all for me, or whether I was just a useful human in his life. For him it just felt like I was leading him into a trap where whatever he said was the wrong answer.

At the moment we are in a much better place. . . .. but I make a huge point of not asking for any kind of emotional verification. In return he feels comfortable to show me that he cares and worries about me and appreciates our connection. He does this through many small actions and statements i.e. "I don't mind what we do it's always really cool whatever we do together" . I don't question his absences or lack of invitations to events. He knows that I will invite him along to anything I think he will enjoy. I know he prefers to do some things alone . . .. . And that is ok. We joke about the fact that I invite him everywhere he invites me nowhere!

So in answer to your question. My observation is that there is often a disparity in the the words , actions and emotions. My view is that this often is misunderstanding (on our art) and attaching emotional strength to things that are not intended . . .. I think it is possible to attach both negative and positive emotional ties to things said without realising they are intended in an entirely neutral manner . ., . With the trust has come a greater openness from my friend and he will ask me if he has upset me, and if so how. Usually the answer is no, and he has also misinterpretated or overthought a situation.

Humans are strange and friendships and relationships are minefields at the best of times. It is 100 times more difficult when points of reference in the emotional minefield are taken away. I often remind myself that I am only trying to negotiate one friendship this way. For him the majority of his relationships must feel equally difficult.
I still have no idea though why it is so deeply affecting, and I can sense you are also experiencing the depth of emotion connected with losing a friendship that is perhaps more intense. I have another friendship with a man that can be deep and also slightly volatile. He likes to argue, but I never once have cried tears over that friendship whereas I have cried many tears over trying to understand my lovely Aspie friend. Maybe it is true that it is something deep,within is that they are connecting with. I have read it is often a feeling of comfort , safety and coming home because unknowingly a close member of your family may also be neuro diverse.

Anyway I have burbled on enough I hope,you find the resolution you need to move on for this situation. Take care

I think everyone places different emphasis or emotionally associated language in their own context mentally.

I can't say I know of any universal pattern in all this. I do know we all ascribe different levels of seriousness to different discussions.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Thanks all. It's this disconnect between his signals that is making this so difficult for me. It's like when he needed a friend, he acted like a close friend would. But when I needed a friend or just reciprocated what I interpreted as him wanting to be close friends, he pushed back, sometimes meanly. And to try and address it was a grave sin apparently. But it needed to be addressed. It still needs to be addressed. It was not okay. I don't think he understands that. I don't even think he realizes what he was doing and how that affected me on the other side. I don't even know if he even cares at all about how much it hurt me. I really thought we were close. I guess he just didn't think the same thing. But he sure acted in a way that led me to that conclusion, and that was not about me misinterpreting his cues, he did put those cues out there, even if he didn't mean to, he DID, and this was in no way unclear. It's not okay. And I'm not angry like I just want to say screw you, but rather I'm hurt and want to get back what I thought we had together..... But that's just it, I guess I was wrong about what I thought there was in the first place.

IMO thoughts are as real as anything else for what it's worth, but I wouldn't say that means thoughts are always in context.

I suppose I should point out there's a difference between all that & opinions.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

Well we don't know the context but I do know anyone gets frustrated by miscommunication so I'm trying to separate opinion from the whole thoughts/feelings/action question(s).

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

It just seems like such a consistent pattern...there seem to be so many of us who fall for these aspie men and they break our hearts with their confusing signals and careless and neglectful treatment. I am really starting to think that we get so deeply entrenched in them because we see a deep connection that IS there, both ways, and we sense it and know it. But I think that even though it is there, the aspie just can't/won't see it or doesn't understand it or just doesn't get that it is there. We all have said how bad we've felt over their action or lack of action, their words or lack of words, etc. We become devastated and I think that is because we see and know and understand what is being missed and disregarded by them. I don't think they do and that is why they just go on. I think it is so much more than one-sided on our part. I don't think we would feel the way we do if it weren't a real connection, but they are blind to it even though it's there. I think it's a terrible tragedy. And it hurts so much. And whether they care about our hurt or not, does it really matter if that hurt will never be comforted or healed and there will never be fulfillment? And the longing for what we see and know will never be satisfied. There are so many tears. So much heartbreak. It's so much different from someone who is "just not that into you". This is like you know that if not for a small developmental flaw, you would have found that one thing. It's so incredibly sad for all of us, aspie and NT alike. It's not fair. And I want it to just go away. I want my aspie back and I want to love him like I know I can, if only he'd allow it.

I think all of us need to allow for everyone's misconception & human error, really just to be more patient.

On the other side of the neurological gap there seems to be somewhat more focus on the positive, though it's not an absolute rule.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos