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mariaevinne
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19 Sep 2017, 3:49 am

Ok.

I have managed to lose 2 hired home helps in less than 6 months due to not being able to be normal.

I cannot either:

A. Treat them like a stranger, aloof, reserved and distant

B. Stop being all or nothing about it.

I instantly make up my mind that I can either trust the person or not, bring them full pelt into my world, no social filter, tell all my secrets, get very close, then just when the bond seems unbreakable, it breaks.

From them breaking it. Not me. My problem is I'm also far too nice and loving and reluctant to see when I'm being walked over.



magz
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19 Sep 2017, 4:52 am

Maybe you are just lonely? Do you have someone to talk to besides the help?
It is hard to need friendship and love when you are socially clumsy, I know.
Cheers!


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CharlesRooster
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19 Sep 2017, 10:22 am

I can relate to this, with some people, I form an excessively strong attachment. It almost becomes an obsession with them, and being turned down by them at that point can be pretty damaging. Frequently I'll get the wrong impression that I can trust them with very personal things, but in the end I get F***ed over.


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IgA
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19 Sep 2017, 10:29 pm

Yes, I know this kind of problem with interacting with people. I am in a predicament now with needing electric services, but have been unable to hire anyone. The person that comes out to give an estimated cost for the job is not part of the team that does the work. I have trust issues & need to meet the people that will work in my house. I can't let anyone inside unless I meet them & feel comfortable knowing everything they are going to do, how long it will take, & how many times (roughly) they will have to enter & exit my house. I need to know the whole process before I'm comfortable doing it, & prefer a walk-through of everything before it happens. This is a problem for most hires, so have not been able to get electric run to my workshops, because need my electric panel upgraded. I can't do this myself. I have been able to run temporary electric cables to my workshops, but it isn't a permanent safe solution. Hiring strangers is such a big problem, & they won't deal with me, & don't have any family or friends to help.

I had a friend online, & just like you told all my personal life to but then they stopped being my friend -- I don't even know why.



petalstatic
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19 Sep 2017, 10:58 pm

CharlesRooster wrote:
I can relate to this, with some people, I form an excessively strong attachment. It almost becomes an obsession with them, and being turned down by them at that point can be pretty damaging. Frequently I'll get the wrong impression that I can trust them with very personal things, but in the end I get F***ed over.


I have the same problem. I'm very all or nothing with people and those are unhealthy extremes. I think it's bad in that it either creates awful codependencies or scares people off who don't want that in their lives. Or of course, leads to exploitation.

I think as aspies we are way too intense and it's the byproduct of having invested a disproportionate amount of thought, time, effort, and energy into interacting and engaging with others and either consciously or subconsciously assuming that they have done the same.

As an example, if I've spent more than 5 minutes talking to you I've already invested a ton of mental energy thinking of what to say, how to say it, how you will react, how you are reacting at that moment and not to mention everything that I did beforehand like wake up and get out of bed, properly groomed myself, gone outside. These things are as easy as breathing for regular folk, but for us they're labour intensive. So, with our faulty cognitive empathy we may assume that those 5 minutes for us were as valuable to you because you were equally invested, but you're not.

Those 5 minutes for us might mean that we'll be friends forever (because who else would be worth that much investment but a true friend?), but to normal people, it doesn't even register among the other multitudes of conversations they probably had that day. And they probably didn't enjoy those 5 minutes anyways, they were just being polite.



lostonearth35
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21 Sep 2017, 5:15 pm

Nobody can be normal. So stop trying to be.



EverythingAndNothing
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21 Sep 2017, 5:54 pm

I can relate to this. I'm on the aloof side about 99% of the time, but every now and then I meet someone that I want to tell everything to and I scare them off. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this.



will@rd
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21 Sep 2017, 5:58 pm

petalstatic wrote:
I think as aspies we are way too intense and it's the byproduct of having invested a disproportionate amount of thought, time, effort, and energy into interacting and engaging with others and either consciously or subconsciously assuming that they have done the same.

As an example, if I've spent more than 5 minutes talking to you I've already invested a ton of mental energy thinking of what to say, how to say it, how you will react, how you are reacting at that moment and not to mention everything that I did beforehand like wake up and get out of bed, properly groomed myself, gone outside. These things are as easy as breathing for regular folk, but for us they're labour intensive. So, with our faulty cognitive empathy we may assume that those 5 minutes for us were as valuable to you because you were equally invested, but you're not.

Those 5 minutes for us might mean that we'll be friends forever (because who else would be worth that much investment but a true friend?), but to normal people, it doesn't even register among the other multitudes of conversations they probably had that day. And they probably didn't enjoy those 5 minutes anyways, they were just being polite.


Yup. Nail, meet head.

Wait...hammer...uhm...head...er...

Never mind. :?


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soloha
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21 Sep 2017, 6:23 pm

I completely relate to the OP ... and most of the subsequent posts. I wish I had some advice but I haven't figured it out yet myself :(