How to show a fellow aspie I like him?

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PastIsPrologue
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22 Sep 2017, 5:40 am

I really like my former classmate as a person and suspect he is also on the spectrum. At parties we always ended up in the same small group of people talking to each other, and often it would just be the two of us alone. In class, I'd often catch him turning around to look at me (and he would simultaneously catch me looking at him). He's very sweet and even worse at eye contact than I am, which I appreciate. He also would remember small details about me, or bring up something I had posted on social media a week or so before. We have several shared niche interests, he calls me a nickname, and he would always say hi or stop to talk to me when we saw each other in passing. I don't know if any of this means he likes me more than a friend. Even if it doesn't, though, I am very happy being friends with him.

I went out on a limb and replied to one of his pictures a few months ago, which sparked a conversation. Now every so often he'll respond to one of my pictures or just send a message out of the blue (usually about a movie/video game/restaurant we both like) and we'll talk for a while. I really like talking to him.

The problem is I'm not pretty. Like, at all. And I'm also very shy. Sending that first message was a big step for me, and it was just a small, insignificant joke related to something he posted. I have never dated (could you tell?), nor has any boy ever really "liked" me, at least not to my knowledge.

Do you have any advice on how I could show him that I like him? Besides straight out telling him-- I am to shy to do that at this stage and I've also never really "liked" someone before, so I want to make sure I actually do before I embarrass myself. We don't live in the same city, but we will soon. Most importantly, do you think it's even worth trying? That is to say, is it possible he likes (or would like) me even though I don't really have much to offer? Thanks in advance!



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23 Sep 2017, 7:57 pm

From what I have learned so far in my life is this: you will never know unless you ask. This goes both ways. If you like him, and he hasn't asked you out somewhere yet, ask him. Not only do people waste their time beating around the bush, but they also miss a lot of opportunities.



bobchaos
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23 Sep 2017, 8:14 pm

If he's really on the spectrum too then subtleties will get you nowhere and possibly leave him confused and angry. Take the dive, even if it doesn't go your way you'll be better in a few weeks and be ready to move on to something/someone else. If you don't (this might just be me mind you) it's going to eat at you until you do and/or drive you nuts.

Based on what you're saying, I suspect there's interest from both sides. Also, just because you think you're ugly doesn't mean he does. People have varied tastes, not everyone wants an extra-thin supermodel type. I sure don't.

**edit** good luck :)



SilverBoltsisWmax
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24 Sep 2017, 1:01 am

PastIsPrologue wrote:
I really like my former classmate as a person and suspect he is also on the spectrum. At parties we always ended up in the same small group of people talking to each other, and often it would just be the two of us alone. In class, I'd often catch him turning around to look at me (and he would simultaneously catch me looking at him). He's very sweet and even worse at eye contact than I am, which I appreciate. He also would remember small details about me, or bring up something I had posted on social media a week or so before. We have several shared niche interests, he calls me a nickname, and he would always say hi or stop to talk to me when we saw each other in passing. I don't know if any of this means he likes me more than a friend. Even if it doesn't, though, I am very happy being friends with him.

I went out on a limb and replied to one of his pictures a few months ago, which sparked a conversation. Now every so often he'll respond to one of my pictures or just send a message out of the blue (usually about a movie/video game/restaurant we both like) and we'll talk for a while. I really like talking to him.

The problem is I'm not pretty. Like, at all. And I'm also very shy. Sending that first message was a big step for me, and it was just a small, insignificant joke related to something he posted. I have never dated (could you tell?), nor has any boy ever really "liked" me, at least not to my knowledge.

Do you have any advice on how I could show him that I like him? Besides straight out telling him-- I am to shy to do that at this stage and I've also never really "liked" someone before, so I want to make sure I actually do before I embarrass myself. We don't live in the same city, but we will soon. Most importantly, do you think it's even worth trying? That is to say, is it possible he likes (or would like) me even though I don't really have much to offer? Thanks in advance!


? u do know most women are actually pretty. Pretty much only one thing can kill a female's beauty unless she has some kinda genetic defect in some way like little person. That's being overweight. If ur overweight fix it and it pretty much doubles your beauty rating tbh.



PastIsPrologue
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24 Sep 2017, 6:34 pm

Thank you for your replies!

It's interesting that people think I mean "I'm overweight" when I say that I'm ugly. I'm actually very underweight, to the extent that I look more like a preteen boy than an adult woman. Even when I'm wearing makeup and a dress, strangers will come up and ask me if I'm transgender. On top of that, I have bad acne scarring, bad teeth-- stuff that cannot be fixed quickly or cheaply. That's what I mean by "I'm ugly".

Even if I had the confidence to tell him that I like him or ask him if he wants to go on a date, I wouldn't know how to say it. I've never been asked out (no surprise), nor have I ever asked anyone out before. My ideas of courtship are a little antiquated, I think, so I don't really know how people my age go about it.

I'm worried that he might just see me as one of his guy friends (literally). I can't tell because I don't know the difference between interest and friendliness.



bobchaos
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24 Sep 2017, 7:53 pm

How 'bout "I like you a lot and would like to go on a date with you"?

Again, beauty is very subjective, and (for me at least) heavily influenced by my opinion of a person. Some girls I knew I thought were nothing special when I met them but came to find them quite attractive after getting to know them, including many that didn't fit the classic descriptions for beauty.



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25 Sep 2017, 5:50 am

Use your mouth to form words that deliver a clear message.


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Michael829
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25 Sep 2017, 9:26 am

The other respondents are right when they say that (especially if he's Asperger's), subtlety won't tell him anything.

You've got to be completely out-in-the-open with him. If the current "format" is that you and he are at least close friends, then that should entitle you to speak frankly to him.

Approaching someone is easier said than done. I never could, for a long time, so I shouldn't talk. But following my fear, and taking the easy way, by missing-out instead of trying, was a disastrous mistake for me. So I have to say something when someone else is letting it happen to them.

I think that frankness and honesty are alright, and not something that genuinely sets you up for disapproval (...even though that's the way it feels). I think that's the necessary approach.

You don't necessarily believe that he's interested in you, and there's no reason to approach him by saying that you think that he might be.

Instead, you could just state some facts: ...that you're tired of being alone, and want a relationship with someone ...that you like the qualities that he has. Then you could say something like, "And, because we often talk, and seem to be friends, and because I like a lot of your qualities, then, before starting to meet other men, I'd like to start closer, and, just to be thorough, to find out if our friendship is going to go in that direction or not.

...and, if not, that's something that I should know right away, so that I can start meeting people."

Something like that, emphasizing that you want to meet a boyfriend, and want to check with him before starting a wider search.

Frankness and honesty can only be alright.

Speaking for myself, if I were your age and single, your "disadvantages" that you described wouldn't put me off.

Michael820


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SilverBoltsisWmax
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25 Sep 2017, 12:49 pm

PastIsPrologue wrote:
Thank you for your replies!

It's interesting that people think I mean "I'm overweight" when I say that I'm ugly. I'm actually very underweight, to the extent that I look more like a preteen boy than an adult woman. Even when I'm wearing makeup and a dress, strangers will come up and ask me if I'm transgender. On top of that, I have bad acne scarring, bad teeth-- stuff that cannot be fixed quickly or cheaply. That's what I mean by "I'm ugly".

Even if I had the confidence to tell him that I like him or ask him if he wants to go on a date, I wouldn't know how to say it. I've never been asked out (no surprise), nor have I ever asked anyone out before. My ideas of courtship are a little antiquated, I think, so I don't really know how people my age go about it.

I'm worried that he might just see me as one of his guy friends (literally). I can't tell because I don't know the difference between interest and friendliness.


Lots of people have bad teeth, do you actually have like rotten teeth? That would be in the bad teeth column. As far as you two being more than friends its actually really simple. Don't follow the book for failure that most people use. If you like video games you are pretty much 100% in if he likes your personality and you are not fat at least thats how it works with most guys I know even jocks.

Just send him a message saying do you wanna ever go on a date. Bam, he says no you say ok he doesn't like me he probably wont ever unless you are REAAALY bad looking and eventually you just look like well 0-heroine basically. Or if you are trans and he has a thing about dating trans women then just accept it and move on. Waaaay more available guys then available girls be happy.



PastIsPrologue
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18 Nov 2017, 6:09 am

I visited him yesterday at his house. He made dinner and we watched a couple of movies. It was really nice.

I sat on the couch and he sat in the recliner, which was a little disappointing.

He always hugs me at the end of our visits and this was no exception. The last time he hugged me it was so tight it kind of hurt. And it’s always kind of awkward because I think we’re both mentally trying to process whether or not we should hug.

The hugs are really nice and so is spending time with him, but I can’t tell if it’s just a friendly thing. I send him messages every now and then— like telling him how much I enjoyed hanging out or complimenting something he did— and I kind of get carried away and type too much. He usually just responds with a simple sentence and I usually feel really dumb for starting to bare a little piece of my soul.

I feel kind of stuck, like I’ve gone as far as I can without just shaking him and shouting “I LIKE YOU” at his face. I really don’t know if he likes me “like that”. Things like the incredibly tight hug seem like a good sign, but him sitting across the room while we watch movies and being kinda of aloof in messages give me doubts. I’d appreciate some outsider insight. Thanks!



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18 Nov 2017, 1:32 pm

Quote:
him sitting across the room while we watch movies and being kinda of aloof in messages give me doubts

Remember though, he possibly doesn't know yet that you are interested in him, or is maybe lacking in the confidence to actually believe that it is possible. He may be keeping his distance a little bit because he doesn't want to offend you by seeming pushy, or simply because his lack of experience means that he has no way to judge whether you would think more intimacy is appropriate or not. I find personally that it is very difficult for me to show affection unless I have been explicitly invited to, even though I may be craving it.

Quote:
shaking him and shouting “I LIKE YOU” at his face

I've often wished that dating did work like that! :lol:


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19 Nov 2017, 4:22 pm

I've been in this boat many of times, especially when I was younger. I look back at all of the opportunities I missed, because I was scared, and hesitated too much.

If the direct approach is too much pressure, try this:

From my experience, most people tease and joke around, and throw a few hints (sexual, or romantic interest) out there to "test the waters". If they see that the other person shows any interest, then they pursue it further. If not, then they back off, without embarrassing themselves, or the other person.

After you have done this a few times, it gets a lot easier, and the fear goes away. So, even if this doesn't turn into anything, look at it as good practice. :D



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19 Nov 2017, 8:16 pm

I have nothing useful to add.
I just came here for the sloth astronaut avatar.


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