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C2V
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22 Sep 2017, 9:57 am

I thought I'd grown out of this kind of thing !
When I was younger - for far too long - I didn't understand socializing enough to recognize that that any social problems actually existed. I was just completely oblivious to the whole concept.
Then began to progress a bit more and understand that yes, my sense of socializing and skills therein were definitely impaired. Progressed a little further (or so I thought) to be able to recognize when I was doing more or less well or poorly, and gauge at least on some level how things were going within an interpersonal interaction. This is obviously not perfect all the time, but I thought I was able to judge in a general sense if I was behaving appropriately or not.
Then recently, I went and spoke to someone about a flat. I thought that things went well, we seemed to have a lot in common (as the landlord was just next door) and I was both speaking and speaking sense (again, so I thought) and I basically judged the interaction as a successful one, and the lease secured. I knew she was seeing other people that day and had seen some others before me, but (I thought) she seemed to be indicating that I had been successful, and there was only one other person left to see before she made her decision.
she told me she would be in contact, had my number/email, etc.
That was over a week ago. No word about moving in. Now, I'm wondering if I haven't misjudged this entire situation. Maybe I thought I was doing well when I was actually coming across - well, as completely autistic. Maybe I thought I was behaving appropriately, when I actually wasn't? And the "I'll be in touch" thing was just the same dry line they give you at job interviews, when you know you'll never hear from them again?
I thought I'd got past this level of obliviousness. Got past thinking I was behaving properly and an interaction was going well when it was a trainwreck, and I just couldn't tell.
Read familiar to anyone else? How do you differentiate between this misinterpretation and any realistic sense of how you're doing? How do you tell if you're actually behaving correctly and things are going well in an interaction, or you're screwing it all up and behaving like a freak, but just don't have the ability to recognize that?


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Alexithymia - 147 points.
Low-Verbal.


the_phoenix
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22 Sep 2017, 5:06 pm

Something to keep in mind:
You can succeed
at the same time as the person you're dealing with
simply doesn't appreciate you, due to their own issues.

Once I went to a seminar on communication in the workplace.
Sure, there were some very good tips.
That said, I came away with the feeling that
conflict resolution can work ...
only if both parties involved actually WANT to resolve the conflict in good faith.
If the person you're dealing with is a weasel who does not have your best interests at heart,
you can do everything right
and still reach no solution with the other person.

Of course, the other person may be all too happy to
lay the blame at your feet, for being autistic,
for any other reason,
or for no reason at all.

I wish you the best of luck finding the right place!



kraftiekortie
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22 Sep 2017, 5:21 pm

I hope you get that call soon (that you've gotten the apartment).

Even if you don't, there will be other apartments.

Even if you don't get the apartment, it doesn't mean that you "failed" socially or in any way. The other person just might have been a better fit. There will be times when you're the "better fit," and the other person wasn't, even in the person didn't "fail" in any way.



IgA
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24 Sep 2017, 10:22 am

Lots of people say one thing, but mean another. Unless you get to know them & the way they phrase their feelings & opinions, you can't ever tell what they are actually thinking, because they are a stranger. You don't have the ability to read their mind -- no one has the ability to read a stranger's mind.

I know for a fact no one, even when they have lots of experience dealing with me (like my family) couldn't ever read my mind, even when I state myself very clearly. They were always looking for alternate meanings, when there wasn't one, & I was using their actual words to understand them when they were using metaphors, lol. I gave up that game a long time ago.

If someone decides to say something other than what they actually mean, I don't care anymore. If they do it more than once, & expect me to read their mind, they will have to learn to be direct or else they will be frustrated. It isn't worth worrying over, & you will learn not to trust anything anyone says until their actions match their words.

Don't rely on anything that has only been spoken -- get it in writing or just wait until the action is complete. There is a saying about not putting all your eggs in 1 basket. That means keep searching until you get what you want. Don't understand the use of eggs & baskets for that, but I finally learned what it means.



the_phoenix
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24 Sep 2017, 11:04 am

IgA wrote:
There is a saying about not putting all your eggs in 1 basket. That means keep searching until you get what you want. Don't understand the use of eggs & baskets for that, but I finally learned what it means.


Since your name is IgA
and there's a chain of IGA grocery stores in my area,
I can't help responding:

I believe "Don't put all your eggs in one basket"
refers to back when farmers would take their eggs to market.
If all the eggs were in one basket and the basket fell out of the horse-drawn wagon
on the way to the market,
all the eggs would break
and the farmer would get no hoped-for money for the time and efforts he invested.

(Nowadays, so much farming is done by automation and machines ...)