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Lilola
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Joined: 9 Aug 2017
Age: 36
Gender: Female
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Location: Iceland

24 Sep 2017, 3:50 pm

I have a husband who is "normal" and a son who is most likely also on the spectrum, my husband can easily go out and socialize and does so, can work and do household chores, my son goes to school and seems to be amazing around people, a little shy, but knows his boundaries and leaves when he's had enough.
I am also an alcoholic/addict and need to attend meetings and stuff for that, and that kind of fills my social quota to the extreme. But I am so lonely, I have no one to just hang out with or whatever it is that friends do together. I've tried really hard to become friends with women in AA and NA and even there I seem to be too much for them to handle. Besides all social interactions I have are really hard and draining and I don't understand what is going on and I don't get it when people are trying to exclude me. I have two cats as well and they are nice but I can't go anywhere with them and I just can't go on my own, I get really freaked out because I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing outside, so I thought I might get a puppy. I'm really good with animals, and they make me happy. But my husband thinks it's stupid, he says he understands that I am different but he thinks I choose to be alone all the time, I really wish I could have friends and be able to maintain the friendship but I'm almost 30 and no matter how hard I try I still haven't been able to, and honestly I don't know if I want to or if that's something I started telling myself and others to handle all the rejection. I just uhhh
How can I explain to my husband how hard social interactions are for me and that it isn't a choice, I've tried so much and I'm sooo tired, my meltdowns are killing me and I feel like I've done something wrong after every meltdown, and I get sad because I am so afraid that my husband is embarrassed by me.
Fudge, should I get a puppy! I genuinely believe it would help me and also my son.



C2V
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25 Sep 2017, 9:29 am

Does your husband actually understand about autism? Him educating himself about that may help him to be more understanding, maybe support you a bit so you can socialize together if he is better at this than you - socializing as a couple may take the pressure off, and if you are a bit too much for many people, your husband may be able to moderate / temper you a bit, and let you know when you're going too far.
As for making friends in AA/NA - been there. Yes they can understand your issues around substances, but it isn't exactly a hotbed of stable mental health. You find a few good folks, but also a lot of crazies. I wouldn't use that as an example to prove you can't socialize.


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magz
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26 Sep 2017, 2:28 am

Yes, that is a good idea to ask your husband to socialize together. My husband uses me as a proxy in getting friends :) (we both have poor social skills but I manage better).
Also, are you just sitting home with nothing to do? Maybe there is somewhere you could go. I don't mean loud, crowded places but rather some interest circles, calm and focused. Or just nature for a long walk.
I think a dog would not be a bad idea. You need to walk your dog regularily - that itself might help.


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MirrorWars
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26 Sep 2017, 8:32 am

Isn't there a local Asperger's-type social group local to you?

I have never been to one personally, so I wouldn't know what to expect or if they are suitable.

I hope you can get at least one friend that really gets you, soon.



odonata
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26 Sep 2017, 9:11 am

The right dog can be very helpful with reducing stress and acting as an intermediary between you and other people. I walk my dog most days and have found that "getting out" helps me with my anxiety.

However, I would suggest that you consider getting an adult or senior dog instead of a puppy, especially if you've never had a dog before. A puppy is a LOT of work, and may create more stress in your household. I'm not sure whether or not your husband likes the idea of having a dog, but if he's not wild about getting a dog, getting a puppy might be very stressful. It can be very rewarding training and raising a dog, but keep in mind that a puppy is just like another child. They may not be able to help you that much as they are trying to figure out the world themselves.

If you do choose to get a dog, I would suggest finding a local rescue or browsing petfinder.com for an older dog (adult or senior) who is housetrained and proven to be good with cats, kids, and strangers (I think liking strangers is an especially important trait to look for if you find socializing difficult). It is best to get a dog out of a foster environment since the foster home will be able to tell you a lot about them. Also, breeders will sometimes have older dogs who they want to retire to a good home.

Have you considered a service dog? If you have a diagnosis, there are organizations that will either train a dog for you or help you select a dog and train them yourself. They can have long wait lists and be expensive, but sometimes service dog organizations can help fundraise money if you cannot afford one.