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SpaceCactus
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27 Sep 2017, 11:27 am

I've always known something was with me... not sure where to start...

Before my memories start, according to my mom, I didn't speak until the age of 4 or 5 and my mom says the doctors thought something was wrong with me, but she knew that there wasn't anything wrong with me so she went to another doctor who thought something was wrong with my tongue, and they wanted to cut out the piece under it or something, she wouldn't let them and I eventually learned to talk. I usually choose not to according to her, I do remember people talking to me as a kid and I wouldn't talk back, my mom just told them I was shy and I accepted that. In school I was very oblivious, never really had a friend unless we had a shared interests and was just bullied more and more until I was old enough to drop out and get my GED. I've always been OBSESSED with space, and the microscopic world growing up. I have invested 1000s of dollars on telescopes and microscopes.. As I grew up I developed an obsession for studying different radical political ideologies and that turned into an obsession with communism then that turned into an obsession with mutualism and that's where I still am currently. Philosophy, psychology and biology are cool too.

I feel like I'm so aspie it isn't funny... But I'm so empathetic that it's becoming disabeling.. I have a disabled brother with Prader Willie Syndrome and I figured out at a young age he was my purpose for existing because what kind of person does that make me if I focus on myself instead of less fortunate people that the world doesn't care about. He was my only friend growing up and I still consider him my only friend. Another friend I had growing up I eventually married, there was something about her I found intriguing about the way she spoke and carried herself and she was really pretty, it turned out that she had cancer and I think had a lot to do with why she was so different than everyone else. She left me for another though after she got better because I just wasn't there for her emotionally and never talked to her.. I still love her, but I understand and am happy that she has found a nice guy who makes her happy. Like I care deeply about a very very select few. Mainly my mom, bother and her. I do have a few aquaintences that I sorta like but hate how all they want to talk about is meaningless crap, but that's everyone I guess. Anyways other than my empathy, and the fact that I seem like a normal nice introverted guy, I think I'm somewhere on the spectrum. I appear normal I feel like because I learned how to be normal at the workplace, I'm actually a bartender, I'm really good but it's soooooo stressful having to talk to guests, but I've learned how to do it. I only work on Friday and Saturday all day for both days because they are busy enough that I just have to make drinks and don't have the free time to have to small talk.

Sometimes I think maybe it's not Asperger's tho... Maybe it's skitzotypal, skitzoid, borderline personality disorder. I don't understand why I can't figure out what is wrong with me. Like I fit all of these disorders in ways and I don't at the same time.

I'm afraid of therapy because I'm well aware of how drug companies pay drug reps to go out and bye food and just manipulate doctors to prescribe certain medications. My inability to confidently diagnose myself makes me worried that a psychiatrist might not be able to diagnose me either, and to be honest, psychiatrists need to humble themselves and admit that the science behind much of it is very flawed Imho. I think much of what is wrong with people is capitalism, I think we need to look at what impact capitalism is having on our mental health. I dunno... I'm rambling and could keep going forever.. does anyone have opinions to share with me?



SpaceCactus
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27 Sep 2017, 11:35 am

Oh why I don't think skitzoid pd applies because I do have emotions and I would like to have a relationship with someone like minded and compatible with me, I just don't think the people I'd like are likely to ever meet me, I imagine they are probably like me, different and fairly content being a loner.

I don't think I'm borderline because I don't have mood swings, I am depressed fairly often, but I don't experience manic episodes, but I think I do have the black and white, good or bad no grey area type of thinking.

Skitzotypal is a serious possibility I feel like. I don't have magical thinking, but I do feel like everything's a simulation often, and I am a bit strange as far as religion goes, I subscribe to quakerism, I've never really met a Quaker or gone to a Quaker meeting but I think they are a respectable religion. I think these things could be considered more logical than magical thinking though.



StampySquiddyFan
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27 Sep 2017, 2:59 pm

It is my personal opinion that you have Asperger's, but somehow I doubt the other diagnoses you feel you have on top of that. Of course, I cannot diagnose you over the Internet, but based on what you have written I don't believe there is really anything else going on. Black and white thinking is often a symptom of Asperger's. So is being a loner. I just think that fits you better than a personality disorder. I don't think what you described about respecting the Quaker religion really raises any red flags. That doesn't sound like Schizotypal PD to me. Can you explain more about feeling like everything is a simulation? That could just be part of anxiety (just normal or a disorder), depression, or something else. It could also just be normal. Magical thinking is not like what you describe (trust me, I have a Google degree in STPD because I get so worried that I may have it :lol: ). You do not have enough symptoms to be diagnosed with the disorders you describe.


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SpaceCactus
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27 Sep 2017, 3:28 pm

StampySquiddyFan wrote:
It is my personal opinion that you have Asperger's, but somehow I doubt the other diagnoses you feel you have on top of that. Of course, I cannot diagnose you over the Internet, but based on what you have written I don't believe there is really anything else going on. Black and white thinking is often a symptom of Asperger's. So is being a loner. I just think that fits you better than a personality disorder. I don't think what you described about respecting the Quaker religion really raises any red flags. That doesn't sound like Schizotypal PD to me. Can you explain more about feeling like everything is a simulation? That could just be part of anxiety (just normal or a disorder), depression, or something else. It could also just be normal. Magical thinking is not like what you describe (trust me, I have a Google degree in STPD because I get so worried that I may have it :lol: ). You do not have enough symptoms to be diagnosed with the disorders you describe.


Thank you for the reply, I guess why I doubt aspergers is I feel like people would doubt it I guess.. I just don't fit the stereotype I don't think, but no one really has any clue who I really am honestly..

As far as magical thinking and the simulation thing, it's just life doesn't make since I don't think, I always felt like maybe everyone was hiding something from the kids when I was younger and when I got older everything would be explained or just maybe everything is a simulation like in the matrix, it's not really something I believe though so I think your right, it's more just silly things I think and day dream about.

But what confuses me is my empathy, I am able to put myself into others shoes and imagine how I'd feel if I were in their position, the only people I even care about really or care to be around or get to know are people who have been dealt a bad hand at life for the most part. Everyone else is just sh***y and self serving I feel like. I do have a great deal of problems expressing emapthy though.. like I just buy people stuff and like try to do things for them, but it's almost paralizing because the people I love genuinely want to know me, but there's nothing to know I feel like... I dunno, Asperger's makes perfect since though to me as well, except for the empathy part.



magz
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28 Sep 2017, 4:00 am

The simulation thing seems just philosophical deliberations, nothing connetced to your mental health. And about the empathy, it's only the common misconception that aspies don't have empathy. We do. The reasons people believe we don't:
1. We often don't get the non-verbal clues indicating that given situation should trigger empathy, don't notice or understand the emotional situation of someone else unless it is somehow explained;
2. When we feel the empathy, we too often don't react it the conventional, expected way.
But the feeling of empathy (or even hyper-empathy) is nothing out of place here.


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