Hi, I guess

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So I was diagnosed with Autism about 2 months ago (aspergers) at an age of 23. When I got the results of the tests I was already expecting this outcome, didn’t have a problem accepting it. However as time went on I began to notice that my depression was sneaking up on me again. Started therapy about 3 years ago due to heavy depression caused by relentless bullying during primary school and high school.
Eventually I got my IT degree and became a total recluse, sitting at home all day playing games. It was only then that my parents realized that there was something wrong. So I went into therapy for depression, went from one psychologist to another for various reasons (none had anything to do with me, just their circumstances). Then they had me tested for autism… and here I am.

Now 2 months after my diagnosis I’m becoming more and more depressed. Suicidal thoughts have been creeping around in my mind for days now. Sure, I will begin a new therapy soon now that I know my diagnosis, but I don’t see a livable future for myself. Now you’ll probably say: “That’s the depression speaking for you.” Sure that might be, but there is a sense of truth in my thoughts. Always had trouble socializing with others (therefor I have no friends, at all). Doubt I’ll ever be able to get a girlfriend either, nearly 24 years old and no success whatsoever when it comes to relationships. Not to mention my physique, I’m a terrible person when it comes to eating, which often bothers my mother because I simply do not like that which I do not know and due to it she can’t cook whatever she likes. So I am skinny… a tall skinny guy. Not a look that attracts a lot of girls. Can’t go to the gym either because I can’t afford it. I’ve got 2 simple dumbbells at home but can’t do much with them.

No friends. Except those I know online from video games. However the game I play is slowly dying so I bet that when they stop playing it that I’ll have no friends left. Who would even bother keeping contact with me right? I have nothing to offer. Can’t meet any of them because most of them live abroad, not to mention my lack of money. I’m pretty honest but not straightforward, there is only one person who I talk with online that knows that I have Asperger’s, don’t like admitting it because I’m pretty sure most of them would either stop talking to me or make fun of it. There are 2 girls I talk with online and that’s basically the only contact I’ve ever had with a female in my life (apart from my mother/sister/other family). The people I grew up with thought it was funny to bully me. Been punched and kicked. Called lots of sh***y names every damn day. Been humiliated whenever there was a chance. To give you an impression, when I was about 11 years old I was forced to walk barefoot through snow home because they took my shoes and socks.

Honestly, I have no idea why I’m writing this. Maybe because I wish somebody would actually listen to me for once who isn’t my psychologist. I feel alone in this world, which I probably always will be. Nobody cares to be a friend with a “weird kid”, no girl would ever want me as her boyfriend. Been thinking about stepping out of life a lot lately, but I know myself, I’m too afraid to die and I don’t want to hurt my family. They’re great, they’re really supportive but I don’t see a future. Not for myself personally. And not for anybody else in Europe. Pardon any grammatical mistakes since English is not my native language.

So yeah, maybe somebody has any advice for me? Or well, thanks for reading anyways. It means a lot if somebody would just read it till the end without getting annoyed.

Firstly hello and welcome. Secondly you are far from alone. I know it feels like you are alone, you are not, you are very far from being alone, remember and hold on to that. There are folks on here from around the world 24/7, there is always someone around.

Getting a diagnosis hits us all in different ways and it does take sometime to get your head round it, it’s not the end of the world, it’s the beginning of something else. It’s very common to over analyse yourself to begin with. I was with a guy just yesterday who told me when he was first diagnosed it felt like his autism got worse, that is how it felt for me to.

Lots of us suffer with depression or anxiety or both. Getting a diagnosis won’t make that go away, but if you can begin to understand your autism, your triggers then you can begin to learn how to manage them, and god knows that is a hard thing to do with a diagnosis.

Stick in there, things are not as bad as you think they are right now. You have just opened up a whole new social network, you are not alone.

Hey. Your English is massively better than my Dutch (or Frisian?) would ever be. I am also new here - this is my first post - so it's presumptuous for me to offer any advice about this community, except to say I'm glad it exists, and glad you found your way here. (I've lurked sporadically over years.)

Voxish (hi) makes a lot of sense. Despair, sadly, seems to come easily to us "on the spectrum" for many reasons. I've learned to think of my painful moods as "internal weather", because they do pass, if I can wait them out. Self-soothing for me often involves escapism; Faerie (Seanan McGuire) or Discworld (Terry Pratchett) - maybe worth looking into if you aren't already familiar with. Good reading if you like that kind of fiction, amazing world-builders both. I believe there is some gaming around Pratchett's fiction as well, not sure though.

One positive thing for you, now, is the diagnosis, because you can look for/insist on a therapist who works with adult Asperger's. It really can make a difference because a therapist who "gets it" will be better able to focus on things that actually help you.

Probably about midnight where you are now, so I'll post this, wishing you the best (and hoping my avatar is properly sized ).

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thank you all for reading my post and the warm welcome. Means a lot. Thanks once again!

When I was around 20 or so I was so depressed my mom couldn't get me out of bed to see a doctor. It was so bad that when I look back I suspect mono, but I think I was tested for that and it was ruled out. In either case, it was so bad I was physically exhausted and I saw no end in sight. I was diagnosed as clinically depressed. I tried going to a University and Community College and failed out of both a total of three times. Than I got a job in computer sales around 24 or so and did well at it, and went to technical school and eventually got a job in customer service which lead to 8 years of success and management positions.

The thing is, I didn't know I had autism until a couple of years ago and than I denied it for awhile. I've often wondered if folks finding out ahead of time would impact their success and expectations. It just might.

By the way, when I got my good job, things weren't always hunky dory. When I was around 27, I had a nice apartment with good furniture, but no friends. I had an online friend who I'd play World of Warcraft with, and I remember one day thinking about how I had no real friends and I literally wept. I did get a couple of friends here and there, and eventually got a wife and I'd socialize with her friends. Of course, I got my wife through online dating, something you might want to consider.

I'd first focus on what it is you want out of life. You need a goal. Listen, there's a lot of community college majors you could consider where you make a good living. You could focus on that and dating, and you'd feel some purpose.

Sorry, I guess I always try to solve problems. I just don't want somebody to think their life is hopeless when they are young and hope is alive.