One day i decided to let the hurt in, i began to feel sorry for myself. I would listen to nirvana and coldplay thinking of all the hurt people had caused me. At this time i was sitting alone in my room with the headphones in, where i lived. Previous to this i had felt sad and depressed because i just didn't seem to fit in no matter how i tried. I decided to let the hurt in when i was about 14. Previous to this i had already smoked hash and cigarettes and been drunk. I had also been bullied and was hanging around with other kids that were not good for me. Some of them were very messed up as-well as i was. To add to this i had aspergers, adhd and suicidal thoughts. My feelings got hurt all the time, i was overly sensitive. I felt like i was the only one. School was really hard for me. I often got into trouble or fights. I just didn't know how to stick up for myself so bullies would walk all over me. But when someone else was being slagged or bullied i would join in laughing at them. Anything to get the heat off me and on to them. Things were not good at home either. My brothers were a lot older than me at the time so they either didn't have time for me or they were out working. I got my brothers into lots of trouble so they were kinda upset with me. My sisters i hated, they knew how to push all my buttons. I was and still sometimes get jealous of them. Jealousy, anger, hatred and bitterness was my thing. Anything my sisters did i had to get back at them whether they knew it or not. I couldn't let things go. No matter where i went i got bullied. School, secondary school, parties, friends houses, college, summer school and at work. I chose all the wrong people to be my friends. There were people who got jealous of me too and lashed out at me, sometimes with fists. While i was at secondary school i started to go drinking with my so-called friends. I experimented with different drugs like ecstasy, cocaine, weed and hash. The hash i always liked, i always thought it was cool and i liked its effects on me. I would buy some from time to time when i had money or someone to buy it from. Skipping ahead i was now homeless, not for long though as one of my brothers got me into a flat of my own. I'd been through so much abuse in the last few years that when i got the flat i became a hermit. I started smoking hash heavy now and numbing the pain inside. I smoked at least 10-15 joints a day. I lived my life constantly stoned for the next 2-3 years. Drowning out the thoughts in my head. I had learn't to be self-negative years before when i pitied myself. For years now i would think up twisted ways of killing those who harmed me. Somewhere along the line when i was a teen i became mentally ill although i don't think anyone knew. My paranoia and delusions were to put it simply, crazy! There was a constant voice or voices in my head telling me i was no good, that i was a killer, that i was gay, that i was weird, crazy, that nobody liked me, that they were all talking behind my back and planning things. I couldn't turn to anyone. I had asked Jesus into my life when i was young but went on afterwards with whatever i was doing not knowing what it meant. My dad had always talked to me about Jesus. When i told him about people saying mean things or hitting me he would say, 'Nathan you need to forgive them'. I tried looking at the bible but it just messed with my head. I didn't understand it. At a certain age i started to really think about Jesus and forgiveness. I had always spoke to God, most of the time demanding of Him why He let these bad things happen to me. I was angry with God for years but i vowed in the back of my mind i would get to the bottom of this whole Jesus thing and the bible. I called myself a Christian for years but i wasn't, not really. People would say i'm brainwashed and i'm a protestant or they would laugh at me. Anyways at a certain age i started to try and forgive people, i would ask God to help me forgive them. I also began to repent, to ask God for forgiveness for all the bad things i'd done. I'd tried forgiving people years before but found it too difficult. I was too hurt inside, i was so bitter. I asked Jesus to come into my life time and time again but things got worse not better. It was only when i truly repented that i started to heal. I kept forgiving people, sometimes it would take years for certain people, for me to forgive them truly. Until i started to ask for Gods help. For years now God was moulding me, He put me through situations to test my faith time and time again. The Christians i knew that i had hated i was now beginning to like. I began wanting to read the bible. There were things i knew i needed to get rid of but i kept making excuses or justifying them in my mind. Video games was one, hash another. I knew they needed to go. It wasn't till age 26 that i got rid of them and truly took up my cross and decided to follow Jesus. I'm content and happy now. I have my medication and i believe the bible is medicine too. God is helping me day by day. A relationship with Jesus is based on trust, faith and communication. God can move mountains in your life too.
03 Oct 2017, 2:57 pm
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