Emotions erupting after diagnosis

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Hi. I apologise ahead for the fact that this post might become a bit jumbled. I'm trying to work out what I'm feeling about a lot of things. Please bear with me.

So, I finshed my assessment recently, and was told I'm a textbook example of Asperger's. So now I have a diagnosis. I didn't want to make a big announcement about it, partly because I wasn't sure how I felt about it and wanted it to sink in, and partly because I didn't want to contribute to the diagnosed/undiagnosed divide. Yet here I am.

What's happened recently is that a lot of emotions are presenting themselves. I wasn't aware how much I'd been keeping a lid on my emotions since I started suspecting I was autistic, and it's been three years from the first inklings to diagnosis.

I didn't want to write this kind of post, partly as I don't like talking about other people on the internet, but I need some support. I really thought I'd gone through a lot of the emotional states of accepting autism, but I realize I hadn't experienced a lot of those emotions that related to other people. As long as I only suspected, I only told my husband. So far I've told only my parents and my closest friend in addition, and they all agree it makes sense, so fortunately no denial. However, I'm going to have to start seeing people like my doctor, my therapist and some people who might be able to get me a job with accommodations.

I'm scared of talking to these people. Over the last few days my anxiety has spiked. I haven't been a very good mom this week, and my kid is picking up on my preoccupied state. Not good. Fortunately the grandparents are understanding, and are helping with some child minding until I can get my mind on track again. But I'm not a bloody robot, this is a big thing for me!

What really surprised me is the amount of anger that's erupting. I feel like I've put of with a lot of not ok behavior from people, because I always thought I was at fault. I don't know, I'm not even rational, I think. I don't want to have huge fights with people and blow things out of proportion just because my stress levels are sky high, but I'm really struggling, and I'm tired of thinking that it's always me who is wrong. Yet I know that dealing with me is not a walk in the park.

I'm reluctant to share too much with NT friends, because there is no way to lose friends quite like showering them with anxious autistic catastrophic thinking.

Meanwhile, I have to wait really long for appointments with the therapist, who I haven't seen for several months, and my doctor, who I need to talk to about the diagnosis and what it means for communication issues and suchlike. The state I'm in now, long waits is not a good thing.

I wish it was possible to just be open with everybody and just tell them the truth and then people would be nice to me, but the world is not like that. I feel like a gay person in the closet.

Anyone relate?

I think the anger ok at this stage, a form of processing, and may be protective (better to get mad about past maltreatment than sad).

I hope you are able to use the diagnosis to get yourself a job which you will feel comfortable with.

Do you feel like you want to work on your garden?

Yes! I relate so much!!
I'm in the midst of getting diagnosed right now, just like you, three years after the first doctors started pointing towards AS. I might not be officially diagnosed just yet, but I've been obsessing over this forum and youtube videos by AS-people, and it's the first time I've really related to anyone. There is no doubt in my mind that I'm on the spectrum.

Finding out has been such a mess. I am finding out new things about myself every day, and it's more frustrating than anything else. Identity-crisis is a mild word for what I'm feeling.
I thought it would be a relief to finally understand what's wrong with me, but it's not. It's as if I am exploding. I'm more anxious than ever, and my poor boyfriend has to put up with constant mood swings and outbursts.
I don't even have the nerve to tell him why.
He knows that it's been suspected, and he knows that I'm under assessment. But somehow, I can't get myself to tell him that the theories have been proven right.

I'm not sure how to deal with it here and now. Part of me wishes that I never went and found out, so I could keep pretending that everything's fine. It seemed better than letting it all out like this. I don't even want to let it out, but just like you said, it's like the lid has just flown off, and there's no way that I can put it back on.
I know it's going to get better though.
I know that now that I know the cause, it will make it easier to find the solutions. Get focused on the right problems from the right angle with the right tools.

It is frustrating that people on the spectrum seems to disappear from the eyes of the government as soon as they turn 18, so there's no help for me to get from that area. Even if I had the money to pay, there doesn't seem to be any psychiatrists, therapists or anything like that for adult autists.
BUT, it's a huge relief that this forum (and others) exists, because I think that it's a good place for me to get the help and guidance I need, from the people who really knows what it's all about. I would trust the advice from an autist (with first hand experience) over an NT psychiatrist (with only textbook-knowledge) any day.

I think it's going to turn out ok. We probably just need some time to adjust.

I can see that you have excellent typing and formatting skills, and that's a big plus.

I like listening to be-bop jazz, or old jazz in general. I'm not too keen on "cool" jazz or the more "experimental" stuff.

I also like watching movies on jazz musicians.

I would say at least some classical music would, inevitably, stoke your creative fires. It does that to me.

Have you ever driven the mountains/woods with a nice Beethoven piece on the radio?

This seems promising. I certainly hope they find you a job that is suitable for you in all ways.

I certainly do hope you learn to drive; the ability to drive is very liberating. I didn't get my license until I was 37 years old--so you're not alone. I would start with an automatic transmission, though.

I would, most definitely, accept your account of listening to Bach on the radio while you drive country roads. Or any classical piece.

I found the strange mix of emotions after being dx'd at 58 similar to bereavement, twisted joy being one of the feelings in my case, though like bereavement it is probably different for everyone.

One thing I have found is that it is impossible to predict how people are going to react when I tell them I am an aspie, and I am thoroughly out about it.

Help for Adult Aspies in Britain simply is not there.

The best help I found was in a meet up group for adults with social anxiety. Terrific support between members, and new members welcomed from their first moment and included in a very supportive way. The majority of the group are AS.