Trying to Stay Sane (It's not working)

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I had another evaluation for Asperger's Syndrome today. Long story short, I moved recently and don't have much of my old paperwork about my previous visits. I was initially diagnosed at 16. I was assessed again at 19 as a safety net, since I was now an adult, and it turned out the same: I was totally on the Spectrum.

I went in today, thinking, "This is the third time I've had to do this. I should be totally fine. Both of my other therapists noticed my Asperger's right away!". This one didn't. He was on the fence about me, saying that there are some key things that I do that apparently other people with autism "aren't capable of doing". I can hold a conversation, make facial expressions, empathically use gestures, and I don't speak with a monotone voice or stim as an adult (I did a little as a kid). I'm supposedly also "too creative", which was what really caused him doubts.

I have to admit, part of me was furious: I've worked with many people over the years on the Spectrum who were diagnosed and were perfectly "capable" of all of the same things that I can do! I've worked with very severe cases of autism before as a special needs paraeducator in the past. One of them was very articulate, probably more creative than his peers in the traditional classrooms, and had very diverse and appropriate facial expressions to match his emotions. It sounded like, based off of whatever thing this guy was reading, not even my former students could have made the cut!

I have extreme sensory overload. I am ridiculously picky about my food and what textures are on my plate. Food cannot touch each other on my plate or I have to throw it out. I needed routines a lot growing up. I don't have fantastic social skills, and my coordination is just as bad. I have meltdowns and shutdowns, and I can freeze up and go nonverbal in extremely stressful situations that are overwhelming. However, none of this seems to really matter much because it's not stereotypically autistic. He hasn't confirmed or denied whether or not he fully believes I have Asperger's, but I get this gut feeling that he's going to overrule my previous diagnosis.

I'm scared. I know it sounds crazy, but I don't want my diagnosis taken away. I've accepted it as a part of me, and an answer to why I am the way I am. I've even spent three years as a volunteer advocate for the community, helping people understand themselves or their loved ones with ASD. It felt amazing to be able to give people what I needed as a teenager: information and a way to explain myself to my Neurotypical family. I would feel so guilty if I truly wasn't autistic, like I lied to or deceived all of those people. It's heartbreaking, really.

Worst of all, I'd be back at square one. I'd be that "quirky little weirdo" that never fit in with people. I would definitely feel like I was going back in time 8 years, back to the time when I was that scared little 15-year-old trying to figure out why nobody liked me.

Every mental health professional I've worked with since I was 16 has basically been like, "Yeah, of course you have Asperger's"- except this one guy. I hate that it's bothering me so much, and I hate how I don't know how to handle it. Things really suck right now...

I have the exact same issue. The DSM is a brilliant work of documentation, but it doesn't work for all of us because it's meant for specific cases. The same goes for more traditional psychologists. He may want to help but he's hesitant to give the diagnosis because to him, the symptoms are much more severe. He's obviously wrong, because I know many people with TRADITIONAL Autism who wouldn't get diagnosed, but unfortunately this seems to be a trend in the psychology world. On one end this psychologist diagnosed me with every discovered illness and I almost got sent to a ward, and on the other they refused to diagnose me with anything and sent me home saying I just need to get it together. I'm still looking. I don't even want a diagnosis directly, I just want someone who can help. If they refuse to accept the diagnosis they almost always miss the things I'm asking for. They give me the wrong help.

It might be worth thinking about getting another opinion or two, Asperger's is high functioning so naturally it will be more difficult to diagnose. But if you don't have Asperger's then you should definitely feel relieved and I personally wouldn't be so negative thinking that I'm that "quirky little weirdo", maybe you just haven't found the right group of people to fit in with?

I would encourage you to be open-minded and look into Christianity, it's a very warm hearted open community. Check out the documentary I linked at the bottom, it gives scientific evidence of Gods existence and if it convinces you that God exists, it might be worthwhile for you to look into Christianity. A lot of Christians swear that it is a truth that has set them free and it expels a lot of negativity in their life. It might help you going forward, just a friendly recommendation.