How do I deal with regrets of social mistakes?

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I have this habit of trying to figure out certain confusing social situations in my head. I guess it's my way of bettering my cognitive empathy. People can be pretty unpredictable and that unpredictability can scare me. Sometimes I notice I sounded rude or misleadingly immature in some way without realizing hours after or even a month after.

I especially have a habit of replaying certain especially painful memories. I've managed to downplay the intensity of my embarrassment to become lighter to handle but it's still a bother. There's a fear that I might do something wrong like that again — that people can get pissed at me or people can get hurt. The latter especially. The most painful memories are the negative reactions I don't understand the most. Not even sure in some of those memories if it was an actual negative reaction.

I also have this weird anxiety about not being too precise or accurate enough in my statements at times. I double and triple check and edit the statements I talk about in conversations regularly in my head. I don't get why though. Maybe because I prefer other people to be the same way and I can't seem to imagine why people would not want to.

I can relate to most of this, and honestly, I don't know if I'm going to be helpful at all.
For overthinking things that are already said and done: In a way, I want to say to you what I say to myself whenever a situation like this occurs. "Just get over it". But I know it's not that easy. Knowing that it won't change the past no matter how much I think about it, doesn't make me think about it less.
It can be a bit of a relief to tell myself that the person(/s) I was interacting with, they usually don't care about it at all. They've most likely forgot it happened, and probably still like me the same. Especially if it's someone who knows I'm on the spectrum, because they are usually even more understanding about it than they seem. Even if they might get their feelings hurt for a moment, they quickly realize who they're talking too and shouldn't always take me too seriously when I'm being impolite.
So, probably no one thinks about that mistake that you did, and if they did (or you think they did) you can always apologize, and explain why things happened the way they did. The answer is either (as an example) "Oh, what a relief! I thought you were being such an idiot, but I get it now. No worries, I'm over it". Or "I didn't even notice you said that."

About fearing for the things you might do or say in the future: What helps me is to ask the people I spend time with to let me know if I'm doing anything inappropriate. As long as I just explain that I don't always get it when I'm speaking too loud, interrupting, or saying something stupid, and it would be really nice if someone could point it out, because I want to be easier to be around. People are generally very understanding and helpful. They might be too polite to point it out, but in that case, at least they can't complain about it because I told them why I'm doing it.
They might also start pointing these things out a little too much, in a way that makes me feel criticised and bullied. But in that case, I can't complain about it because I told them to do it, and I can just suck it up. In the long run it's still really helpful to me.
If it's not someone that I spend much time with, I just try to keep my thoughts to myself for a while, until I figure out if I'm going to be seeing this person again or not. If I am, then I can slowly start opening up, and also let them know that I have problems with volume control so please let me know if I start screaming at you. If I won't be seeing them again, then who cares? You can't have everyone liking you and it's just great if I don't have to deal with those who don't.

Lastly, I think this has a lot to do with self esteem, and a wish to be well liked. At least it is for me. And of course, someone like me isn't as probable to be well liked all the time, and mishaps will happen. What I have to learn is that I don't have to turn myself over just to avoid misunderstandings. I should only want to hang around the people with whom I can be myself, and whom will have some understanding for me being stupid sometimes (I also think of myself as the reasonable one, but they don't) and can deal with it in a way that's constructive for everyone involved. Those people do exist.



Jeez, what a ramble. Sorry if I'm making no sense at all.

I'm really glad it was helpful (in some way).

I'm new to this forum too, and newly diagnosed as well. And I really get it. I only get shy after I've written a post though. I tend to jump right into other people's discussions, and giving unwanted advice. Both on the internet and IRL. I realize afterwards that I might just have come off as an arrogant know-it-all. I really don't mean to, I just want to be helpful, but I'm not always interpreted like that, and I'm afraid my advice isn't always the best.
Thereof the disclaimers. There might be better ways to handle these things, and even though all the things I told you is something that is helpful for me, they might still come from a "false NT perspective".

I used to ask people to let me know if I was misbehaving long before I knew I was on the spectrum, and back then people was a lot more reserved when it came to pointing out my mistakes, because they didn't want to be impolite. But now, if I tell them it's because of AS, they tend to be a bit more straight up about it, and also more understanding. Which is really great.

It really is a new world. I'm not dealing with it too well yet (identity-crisis still going on). But it's pretty cool to see things from a new perspective like this. Even if it means realizing just how much I don't understand. About other people and myself. I think the biggest relief comes from realizing that I don't have to try so hard anymore. Not to use it as an excuse for being impolite of course, but more of a good reason to be more forgiving towards myself.

And finding these forums and find out that I wasn't as much of an alien as I thought I was, it's freakin' fantastic!