08 Oct 2017, 8:35 pm
08 Oct 2017, 9:18 pm
cato4797 wrote:
So I dated this girl (first girl I dated for this long!) over the summer from early to July to early-mid August, and then "resumed" things later for about a week, long distance. When things ended the first time, it felt like I imploded. I went from hoping for things to work out between us (I had literally said that the week before) to having no idea if I even liked her.
Over the next few weeks, I continued to talk to her. However, since then I've gradually more and more realized that I have n inclination to do so anymore. Right now, I'm refraining from speaking to her.
Looking back, I realize that I had lots and lots of doubts about her. I didn't fully trust her when she told me was autistic (I'm a little cautious about that), I felt like she was dumping problems on me really early, like issues related to depression and suicide only weeks in. It freaked me out, but I ignored it and told myself that my autism was affecting how I perceived these problems - I told myself that I was reacting the way I was because it was sudden, and unexpected. That and because I still didn't really know her all that well. I'd go to pick her up and feel "meh" before I got her and wonder if that meant I never liked her. I would There were times when she was literally in my arms and I was doubting wether or not I wanted to keep seeing her.
Now, I think I realize that I was very caught up in the idea of the relationship. That, and I was also lonely as well. I sort of led her on (I will say that there was a great connection, besides those doubts - when I was long distance, later on, and talking to her all of the time, most of my early doubts were never on my mind - the only issue was that during the day I would start feeling ambivalent about her and having doubts about my feelings, but then feeling great when we talked late into the night ... Earlier on, we would talk about our problems - it felt like we mutually understood a lot of them - like I said we're both autistic [shes also BPD]).
Is this a normal thing for aspies? Do we typically date people and ignore doubts and other issues about them, signs that we don't actually like them, just because we're lonely or caught up in things? Do we typically get back with these "exes" anyways, just because we're unable to imagine life without them (in my case I was on the phone with her and legit thought that I still had feelings for her because of the connection)
Also, I keep obsessing over the "relationship" and its giving me anxiety ... is that normal? Also, I know she's having a hard time and I kind of feel for her. TBH I kind of wish that things had worked out, so that I could have spent last weekend (a really bad one for her historically) and tried to make her feel better ...
Over the next few weeks, I continued to talk to her. However, since then I've gradually more and more realized that I have n inclination to do so anymore. Right now, I'm refraining from speaking to her.
Looking back, I realize that I had lots and lots of doubts about her. I didn't fully trust her when she told me was autistic (I'm a little cautious about that), I felt like she was dumping problems on me really early, like issues related to depression and suicide only weeks in. It freaked me out, but I ignored it and told myself that my autism was affecting how I perceived these problems - I told myself that I was reacting the way I was because it was sudden, and unexpected. That and because I still didn't really know her all that well. I'd go to pick her up and feel "meh" before I got her and wonder if that meant I never liked her. I would There were times when she was literally in my arms and I was doubting wether or not I wanted to keep seeing her.
Now, I think I realize that I was very caught up in the idea of the relationship. That, and I was also lonely as well. I sort of led her on (I will say that there was a great connection, besides those doubts - when I was long distance, later on, and talking to her all of the time, most of my early doubts were never on my mind - the only issue was that during the day I would start feeling ambivalent about her and having doubts about my feelings, but then feeling great when we talked late into the night ... Earlier on, we would talk about our problems - it felt like we mutually understood a lot of them - like I said we're both autistic [shes also BPD]).
Is this a normal thing for aspies? Do we typically date people and ignore doubts and other issues about them, signs that we don't actually like them, just because we're lonely or caught up in things? Do we typically get back with these "exes" anyways, just because we're unable to imagine life without them (in my case I was on the phone with her and legit thought that I still had feelings for her because of the connection)
Also, I keep obsessing over the "relationship" and its giving me anxiety ... is that normal? Also, I know she's having a hard time and I kind of feel for her. TBH I kind of wish that things had worked out, so that I could have spent last weekend (a really bad one for her historically) and tried to make her feel better ...
1. Why do you not feel attracted to her? If she's physically-attractive and loves you, then this should be a non-issue.
If you worry about her, think about the relationship and her, then that means you do like her.
- If you didn't like her - you wouldn't care.
2. She told you she's autistic - because she loves you.
Even if she is pretending - she is so desperate to forge a bond with you, that's she's willing to say anything.
Regardless of whether she is pretending or is really autistic, you should give her a chance.
3. To be honest, I've never understood the concept of Romantic-partners "dumping their problems" onto other Romantic-partners.
Neurotypicals have problems with this, too.
They get into relationships, and then don't understand that they're supposed to sooth/comfort/protect the person who loves them.
No wonder most marriages end in divorce - since most people, for some reason, are so confused over this one.
- She sought out protection and comfort in your arms, and in your heart - she wanted to take refuge there, since she loves you and trusts you.
Bottom line is, you do like her - if you actually care this much and think about it.
She loves you, so I think you should give it a chance.
Be up front about these feelings and concerns to her - she what she says.
You may find it interesting.
08 Oct 2017, 10:45 pm
ShyGirl7 wrote:
cato4797 wrote:
So I dated this girl (first girl I dated for this long!) over the summer from early to July to early-mid August, and then "resumed" things later for about a week, long distance. When things ended the first time, it felt like I imploded. I went from hoping for things to work out between us (I had literally said that the week before) to having no idea if I even liked her.
Over the next few weeks, I continued to talk to her. However, since then I've gradually more and more realized that I have n inclination to do so anymore. Right now, I'm refraining from speaking to her.
Looking back, I realize that I had lots and lots of doubts about her. I didn't fully trust her when she told me was autistic (I'm a little cautious about that), I felt like she was dumping problems on me really early, like issues related to depression and suicide only weeks in. It freaked me out, but I ignored it and told myself that my autism was affecting how I perceived these problems - I told myself that I was reacting the way I was because it was sudden, and unexpected. That and because I still didn't really know her all that well. I'd go to pick her up and feel "meh" before I got her and wonder if that meant I never liked her. I would There were times when she was literally in my arms and I was doubting wether or not I wanted to keep seeing her.
Now, I think I realize that I was very caught up in the idea of the relationship. That, and I was also lonely as well. I sort of led her on (I will say that there was a great connection, besides those doubts - when I was long distance, later on, and talking to her all of the time, most of my early doubts were never on my mind - the only issue was that during the day I would start feeling ambivalent about her and having doubts about my feelings, but then feeling great when we talked late into the night ... Earlier on, we would talk about our problems - it felt like we mutually understood a lot of them - like I said we're both autistic [shes also BPD]).
Is this a normal thing for aspies? Do we typically date people and ignore doubts and other issues about them, signs that we don't actually like them, just because we're lonely or caught up in things? Do we typically get back with these "exes" anyways, just because we're unable to imagine life without them (in my case I was on the phone with her and legit thought that I still had feelings for her because of the connection)
Also, I keep obsessing over the "relationship" and its giving me anxiety ... is that normal? Also, I know she's having a hard time and I kind of feel for her. TBH I kind of wish that things had worked out, so that I could have spent last weekend (a really bad one for her historically) and tried to make her feel better ...
Over the next few weeks, I continued to talk to her. However, since then I've gradually more and more realized that I have n inclination to do so anymore. Right now, I'm refraining from speaking to her.
Looking back, I realize that I had lots and lots of doubts about her. I didn't fully trust her when she told me was autistic (I'm a little cautious about that), I felt like she was dumping problems on me really early, like issues related to depression and suicide only weeks in. It freaked me out, but I ignored it and told myself that my autism was affecting how I perceived these problems - I told myself that I was reacting the way I was because it was sudden, and unexpected. That and because I still didn't really know her all that well. I'd go to pick her up and feel "meh" before I got her and wonder if that meant I never liked her. I would There were times when she was literally in my arms and I was doubting wether or not I wanted to keep seeing her.
Now, I think I realize that I was very caught up in the idea of the relationship. That, and I was also lonely as well. I sort of led her on (I will say that there was a great connection, besides those doubts - when I was long distance, later on, and talking to her all of the time, most of my early doubts were never on my mind - the only issue was that during the day I would start feeling ambivalent about her and having doubts about my feelings, but then feeling great when we talked late into the night ... Earlier on, we would talk about our problems - it felt like we mutually understood a lot of them - like I said we're both autistic [shes also BPD]).
Is this a normal thing for aspies? Do we typically date people and ignore doubts and other issues about them, signs that we don't actually like them, just because we're lonely or caught up in things? Do we typically get back with these "exes" anyways, just because we're unable to imagine life without them (in my case I was on the phone with her and legit thought that I still had feelings for her because of the connection)
Also, I keep obsessing over the "relationship" and its giving me anxiety ... is that normal? Also, I know she's having a hard time and I kind of feel for her. TBH I kind of wish that things had worked out, so that I could have spent last weekend (a really bad one for her historically) and tried to make her feel better ...
1. Why do you not feel attracted to her? If she's physically-attractive and loves you, then this should be a non-issue.
If you worry about her, think about the relationship and her, then that means you do like her.
- If you didn't like her - you wouldn't care.
2. She told you she's autistic - because she loves you.
Even if she is pretending - she is so desperate to forge a bond with you, that's she's willing to say anything.
Regardless of whether she is pretending or is really autistic, you should give her a chance.
3. To be honest, I've never understood the concept of Romantic-partners "dumping their problems" onto other Romantic-partners.
Neurotypicals have problems with this, too.
They get into relationships, and then don't understand that they're supposed to sooth/comfort/protect the person who loves them.
No wonder most marriages end in divorce - since most people, for some reason, are so confused over this one.
- She sought out protection and comfort in your arms, and in your heart - she wanted to take refuge there, since she loves you and trusts you.
Bottom line is, you do like her - if you actually care this much and think about it.
She loves you, so I think you should give it a chance.
Be up front about these feelings and concerns to her - she what she says.
You may find it interesting.
1. I do feel attracted to her ... physically. Very attracted.
2. Part of the problem is that I have no idea how I feel - I can't remember how I felt throughout most of it - I don't remember how I felt on certain nights, so I don't remember if I actually enjoyed being around her or if it was artificial (as in we often act artificial).
3. There’s been a lot of emotion there (she has BPD, and depression, and I was sinking into it as it fell apart, partially due to medications and the stress and anxiety of it all) , and at this point, if I ever did have feelings for her, they're gone. There's more to the situation and more to the doubts, I can pm if you want, but I'm just worried that we tend to date people we don't like.
4. while we were dating, i was often thinking about whether or not I should get out and stop dating. And there were times when I was with her when on some level I was faking emotion - and I’m not fully sure why
5. I will say that were a few things that made me think that I did like her - We had a strong connection, which I liked, there were things I found attractive about her personality that made her more sexually attractive to her. I also REALLY enjoyed the way she smelled - which some say is a sign.
6. There was a recent event that happened, that kind of changed the dynamic again, one last time. I did something that let her think (rightfully on her part, and and shamefully on mine) that we were back together, but I was not ready for that. I felt great being around her before that, but not after. Also there are things about her personality that I’ve realized I don’t like. I’d have to be friends with her first, and be on good terms with her, and feel like we’ve both improved in certain ways, including communication, before I’d feel comfortable doing that. Right now, I don’t feel like being friends is possible, even if we both wanted to be. And right now … I don’t feel like talking to her at all.
7. I met this girl on tinder - she didn’t me at all before and she was telling me stuff about herself very early on. Although we were both telling each other things.
Honestly, I wish I could go back to that, and I wish I could be friends at least. Most of the time when I was thinking about ending things, i didn’t want to because I didn’t want to be another “tourist” in her life. If i had ended things with her I would have friend zoned her, and seriously too. not just say be friends to be friends.
09 Oct 2017, 3:41 am
09 Oct 2017, 7:07 am
09 Oct 2017, 7:26 am
09 Oct 2017, 7:29 am
09 Oct 2017, 9:52 am
09 Oct 2017, 9:59 am
09 Oct 2017, 10:33 am
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
09 Oct 2017, 11:33 am
09 Oct 2017, 12:26 pm
10 Oct 2017, 9:20 am
I didn't like my husband at first meeting but after 25 years of marriage, I'll kill (theoretically) any female that comes within 3 feet of him. I adore that man now! He is the purpose of my existence. Of course, the kids are too. 
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
10 Oct 2017, 12:42 pm
Sweetleaf
Veteran
Joined: 6 Jan 2011
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 34,461
Location: Somewhere in Colorado
10 Oct 2017, 12:44 pm
RightGalaxy wrote:
I didn't like my husband at first meeting but after 25 years of marriage, I'll kill (theoretically) any female that comes within 3 feet of him. I adore that man now! He is the purpose of my existence. Of course, the kids are too.
I don't get it why would you marry someone you don't like? I mean I suppose its good you grew to like him, but what if you never did? Seems like a rather large risk.
10 Oct 2017, 1:37 pm
I am guilty of this.
In my first relationship I started it mostly because I felt like I had to, I ended up getting more attatched then I should have and she ended it. After that I began to agree with her, we were a terrible match but I didn't see it at the time because I let emotions cloud my judgement.
I don't intend to let this happen again by being as rational as possible about relationship stuff. Currently I have something of a relationship going on with Lillikoi and this time I'm very sure that I like them.
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