My best friend is way too emotionally dependent on her bf

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MindBlind
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10 Oct 2017, 4:45 am

My friend and her bf have been together for a little over a year. He’s a nice enough person and I’m happy for them but I wish she would stop putting him on such a high pedestal. She thinks he’s so perfect and wonderful, then freaks out when he fails to meet her unrealistic expectations. She’s way too possessive over him and is super insecure about his previous girlfriends. They get into a lot of arguments because she’s really insecure about the relationship and whether she’s good enough and that just spirals into a constant feedback loop where she needs him to validate their relationship, which makes her feel guilty, which makes her seek his approval, etc.

She also treats him like a therapist and gets distressed when she can’t call him on a whim to vent about her own family drama. She’s practically climbing up the walls right now because he’s away on a work related trip and she’s basically having withdrawal symptoms. Her over-dependence on him is alienating her from her family and she has this delusion that she’ll move in with him and that will solve everything. She doesn’t seem to consider that establishing boundaries is even more important when you live with someone, especially a romantic partner.

I used to live with my friends but we had our own lives and we didn’t constantly check on each other. We respected each other’s boundaries and ran a very peaceful household. I don’t think my friend is mature enough to do that and I don’t know how to explain that to her without facing a barrage of “You just don’t believe in us!”, “You never had faith in me!”, “I know what I’m doing!”, etc.

How can I be a good friend, here?



MarissaKay
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10 Oct 2017, 11:37 am

I have been in your friend's shoes at one point in my life. She cannot rely on him for everything because that's just too much to put on one person. You're completely right: she's not mature enough for a very serious relationship, much less moving in with him, if she is so possessive and if she constantly needs him to validate her.

Going from experience, she is probably not going to listen to advice from anyone and she will likely interpret it the wrong way. Unless she admits to herself that she has a problem (with withdrawal symptoms and everything when he's not around), their relationship is going to end. Maybe gently hint about therapy if she's really struggling with her self-esteem issues and family drama- if she can afford it and is willing to try and assuming she is not already in therapy.

Aside from that, the best way to handle it is to just be there, unfortunately. If she keeps going down the track she's on, he's going to end up leaving and she'll be devastated. Be a listening ear if the worst happens, but be sure to establish boundaries so you don't end up being the person she completely relies on.

I feel really bad for your friend, and I hope she can get to a point where she feels as though she can be emotionally independent.



Raleigh
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10 Oct 2017, 2:26 pm

Allow her to make her own mistakes.
You can't really change the situation, and pointing out to her what's wrong in the relationship will strain your friendship to breaking point.
They say 'love is blind' for a reason.
It's also deaf and dumb.
The best you can do is be there for support.


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MindBlind
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10 Oct 2017, 5:28 pm

Both of you guys are right. She isn’t going to grow as a person unless she has the insight to see what she needs to do. She’s very naive and inexperienced for her age and I believe it’s because she’s never had to face s**t on her own. She’s always has somebody to deal with the grown up stuff for her and I think she kinda knows how out of depth she would actually be if she actually lived independently. I think that moving in with him is more of a statement, to prove to herself and others that she really is a grown up. I can relate to that - losing my job last year was a huge injury to my ego as much as it was to my finances. I felt like I wasn’t a “real grownup” because I couldn’t hold down a sh***y retail job like everyone else does. Granted, unemployment is most definitely a “real adult” thing as is waiting for the right time to move in with your SO.

I believe I should gently prompt her to have a hobby or something that is separate from her family and bf. We’ve been talking about going to some kind of evening class together for a while and it might make her feel a bit braver to try something different if I’m also there to make an ass of myself. Not that I think I should substitute one type of codependency for another but I feel like she’s pretty isolated these days and the most positive thing in her life right now is her man. I can sort of relate but substituting the boyfriend with having a reason not to kill myself because my puppy depends on me.

By the by, I think they can work through this stuff and I want to point out that it’s not one sided. He has his own issues too and he seems fairly self aware about it. But if it doesn’t work out, I know she’s strong enough to push forward. She doesn’t realise it yet but someday I think she will.



ShyGirl7
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11 Oct 2017, 9:48 pm

MindBlind wrote:
My friend and her bf have been together for a little over a year. He’s a nice enough person and I’m happy for them but I wish she would stop putting him on such a high pedestal. She thinks he’s so perfect and wonderful, then freaks out when he fails to meet her unrealistic expectations. She’s way too possessive over him and is super insecure about his previous girlfriends. They get into a lot of arguments because she’s really insecure about the relationship and whether she’s good enough and that just spirals into a constant feedback loop where she needs him to validate their relationship, which makes her feel guilty, which makes her seek his approval, etc.

She also treats him like a therapist and gets distressed when she can’t call him on a whim to vent about her own family drama. She’s practically climbing up the walls right now because he’s away on a work related trip and she’s basically having withdrawal symptoms. Her over-dependence on him is alienating her from her family and she has this delusion that she’ll move in with him and that will solve everything. She doesn’t seem to consider that establishing boundaries is even more important when you live with someone, especially a romantic partner.

I used to live with my friends but we had our own lives and we didn’t constantly check on each other. We respected each other’s boundaries and ran a very peaceful household. I don’t think my friend is mature enough to do that and I don’t know how to explain that to her without facing a barrage of “You just don’t believe in us!”, “You never had faith in me!”, “I know what I’m doing!”, etc.

How can I be a good friend, here?


We live in a Modern Society that places an over-emphasis on things like Psychology - which is largely Theoretical.

In our society, the current divorce-rate is around 50% - and that's not counting all the women who chose to be with jerks, who are in abusive relationships and probably should get divorced.

My point is - the issue here hinges on wether her boyfriend is a jerk, or is a legitimately nice guy.

Your friend is in love.

If she's leaning on her guy because her family-life is crappy - it's because she really does require his support.

Her reactions are actually natural - especially in a society that doesn't know what love is.

People in love are emotionally-dependent on each other - we were designed specifically to be that way.

The only issue here is - is her boyfriend a jerk or a nice guy?

If he's a jerk, get her away from him.

If he's a nice guy, then try to understand your friend's position.



hale_bopp
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12 Oct 2017, 5:00 am

My advice would be to let her mind her own business. (I would be furious if my friend tried to interfere in a relationship I was in) but be there for support when or if she needs it.

It's not your responsibility to control the way she acts around him, and nor is it in your power. Relax and let them live their life, worry about your own. :)



Outrider
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12 Oct 2017, 9:46 am

ShyGirl7 wrote:
MindBlind wrote:
My friend and her bf have been together for a little over a year. He’s a nice enough person and I’m happy for them but I wish she would stop putting him on such a high pedestal. She thinks he’s so perfect and wonderful, then freaks out when he fails to meet her unrealistic expectations. She’s way too possessive over him and is super insecure about his previous girlfriends. They get into a lot of arguments because she’s really insecure about the relationship and whether she’s good enough and that just spirals into a constant feedback loop where she needs him to validate their relationship, which makes her feel guilty, which makes her seek his approval, etc.

She also treats him like a therapist and gets distressed when she can’t call him on a whim to vent about her own family drama. She’s practically climbing up the walls right now because he’s away on a work related trip and she’s basically having withdrawal symptoms. Her over-dependence on him is alienating her from her family and she has this delusion that she’ll move in with him and that will solve everything. She doesn’t seem to consider that establishing boundaries is even more important when you live with someone, especially a romantic partner.

I used to live with my friends but we had our own lives and we didn’t constantly check on each other. We respected each other’s boundaries and ran a very peaceful household. I don’t think my friend is mature enough to do that and I don’t know how to explain that to her without facing a barrage of “You just don’t believe in us!”, “You never had faith in me!”, “I know what I’m doing!”, etc.

How can I be a good friend, here?


We live in a Modern Society that places an over-emphasis on things like Psychology - which is largely Theoretical.

In our society, the current divorce-rate is around 50% - and that's not counting all the women who chose to be with jerks, who are in abusive relationships and probably should get divorced.

My point is - the issue here hinges on wether her boyfriend is a jerk, or is a legitimately nice guy.

Your friend is in love.

If she's leaning on her guy because her family-life is crappy - it's because she really does require his support.

Her reactions are actually natural - especially in a society that doesn't know what love is.

People in love are emotionally-dependent on each other - we were designed specifically to be that way.

The only issue here is - is her boyfriend a jerk or a nice guy?

If he's a jerk, get her away from him.

If he's a nice guy, then try to understand your friend's position.


Strongly agree.

Its about time I see a young woman in 2017 so loyal and so strongly want to be with her boyfriend.

I don't see a problem.

She "puts him on a pedestal"?

Thats what "love" is! Everyone puts the person they love on a pedestal!



MarissaKay
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13 Oct 2017, 3:10 pm

Outrider wrote:

Strongly agree.

Its about time I see a young woman in 2017 so loyal and so strongly want to be with her boyfriend.

I don't see a problem.

She "puts him on a pedestal"?

Thats what "love" is! Everyone puts the person they love on a pedestal!



There is a significant difference between putting someone on a pedestal and literally going through withdrawal symptoms if your significant other isn't around. There HAS to be some sort of balance to have a healthy relationship. Any expert will say that codependency is extremely bad and that boundaries need to be established. It is good to depend on each other emotionally, but the person you're dating should never be the only support system or the overwhelming majority of the support. This is what has the OP so concerned about her friend; this friend is clearly overdependent on her boyfriend for emotional support and even alienating family members over it.

She's also talking about her friend's insecurities about herself and the relationship, showing that there isn't a clear sign of trust. There has to be constant validation. Talking from experience, I always wanted my exes around me because I was worried that they'd leave with some other girl. That's NOT healthy in the slightest.

Also, "It's about time I see a young woman in 2017 so loyal" comes across as really sexist. I don't know if that was the intent or not, but that seemed a little bit weird and out of context for this conversation. If you or someone you know has had bad experiences with girls, it doesn't mean that every female out there is like that.