Six year relationship ending...

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candleghost
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10 Oct 2017, 6:00 pm

I've been with my now ex for six years. He also has Asperger's and has helped me immensely in the time I've known him. Before him, I was with a very abusive older man who took advantage of me and the PTSD from that relationship negatively affected this one. These are the only two relationships I've been in.

It's time. It's probably been over for awhile, but he's moved on to another woman (also on the spectrum) and since we are in the same group of people, I see them.

It hurts. Even though deep down I know it's better this way, it still hurts and I'm still struggling. Especially because I feel a lot of it is my fault due to the relationship with the previous man and past abuse from my childhood that I hadn't dealt with. It's like we didn't even have a very good chance to begin with, but it still lasted six years because he stood by me.

What if I never meet someone who understands me like he did? I've been misunderstood my entire life even by my own parents and he was the first person who understood me and treated me so well.

How do I deal with the jealousy? She seems like a cool person and I want him to be happy with her, and she's also DJ at a club that I go to, that I don't want to stop going to.

I don't like change. I don't cope well with it. I know this is just part of life but all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide and not feel anything.

How long until this passes? Any advice? :?

P.S. I'm 30 years old, in case that matters.



AngelRho
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10 Oct 2017, 10:05 pm

candleghost wrote:
I've been with my now ex for six years. He also has Asperger's and has helped me immensely in the time I've known him. Before him, I was with a very abusive older man who took advantage of me and the PTSD from that relationship negatively affected this one. These are the only two relationships I've been in.

It's time. It's probably been over for awhile, but he's moved on to another woman (also on the spectrum) and since we are in the same group of people, I see them.

It hurts. Even though deep down I know it's better this way, it still hurts and I'm still struggling. Especially because I feel a lot of it is my fault due to the relationship with the previous man and past abuse from my childhood that I hadn't dealt with. It's like we didn't even have a very good chance to begin with, but it still lasted six years because he stood by me.

What if I never meet someone who understands me like he did? I've been misunderstood my entire life even by my own parents and he was the first person who understood me and treated me so well.

How do I deal with the jealousy? She seems like a cool person and I want him to be happy with her, and she's also DJ at a club that I go to, that I don't want to stop going to.

I don't like change. I don't cope well with it. I know this is just part of life but all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide and not feel anything.

How long until this passes? Any advice? :?

P.S. I'm 30 years old, in case that matters.

I am very, VERY sorry this has happened to you. I’ve been on the other end, being the guy looking ahead to marriage and yet looking back and coming to the realization that there was nowhere to go moving forward. And meeting the loves of my life a few times only for them to slip right through my finger. I think those hurt worse.

But yeah...six yeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrsssssss.

I don’t know if this is what will work best for you, but I’d say take some time to mourn the relationship. Just go to your bedroom, grab a pillow, just like a heartbroken teenager, and just cry it out.

Not making fun of you; I’m serious. You need a new start, so take some time just to say goodbye to what you had that is now lost

I also believe that isolating yourself for a time can be a good thing. Give yourself anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to let all this get out of your system. Do something you enjoy at home, don’t go out on weekends.

You’ll need therapy. Chocolate, wine, and ice cream (in moderation, of course) are known to cure most any emotional ill, especially heartbreak.

Stay home for at least 3 weekends, and if you feel strong enough, consider going out and meeting new people. Always, even on the rebound, surround yourself with sympathetic friends and go out with them when you feel ready. Don’t hesitate to go out on dates with other men if the opportunity arises, but for a good 3 months avoid anything on a romantic level. Once the emotional turmoil is behind you and you really start healing, do what you feel like within reason.

I wish you the very best, whether any of this is helpful or not. And please keep us posted on how you’re doing.



sly279
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11 Oct 2017, 12:08 am

Your probably find a new guy in week to 3 months max. Some women find one within days.

Jealous passed with time but then I don’t have any contact or see any of the women I fell for. Never had more then a date with any. So i dont know how being together for years would effect how long it takes to get over them.



candleghost
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12 Oct 2017, 8:15 pm

AngelRho wrote:
candleghost wrote:
I've been with my now ex for six years. He also has Asperger's and has helped me immensely in the time I've known him. Before him, I was with a very abusive older man who took advantage of me and the PTSD from that relationship negatively affected this one. These are the only two relationships I've been in.

It's time. It's probably been over for awhile, but he's moved on to another woman (also on the spectrum) and since we are in the same group of people, I see them.

It hurts. Even though deep down I know it's better this way, it still hurts and I'm still struggling. Especially because I feel a lot of it is my fault due to the relationship with the previous man and past abuse from my childhood that I hadn't dealt with. It's like we didn't even have a very good chance to begin with, but it still lasted six years because he stood by me.

What if I never meet someone who understands me like he did? I've been misunderstood my entire life even by my own parents and he was the first person who understood me and treated me so well.

How do I deal with the jealousy? She seems like a cool person and I want him to be happy with her, and she's also DJ at a club that I go to, that I don't want to stop going to.

I don't like change. I don't cope well with it. I know this is just part of life but all I want to do is crawl into a hole and hide and not feel anything.

How long until this passes? Any advice? :?

P.S. I'm 30 years old, in case that matters.

I am very, VERY sorry this has happened to you. I’ve been on the other end, being the guy looking ahead to marriage and yet looking back and coming to the realization that there was nowhere to go moving forward. And meeting the loves of my life a few times only for them to slip right through my finger. I think those hurt worse.

But yeah...six yeeeeeeaaaaaaarrrrrrrrsssssss.

I don’t know if this is what will work best for you, but I’d say take some time to mourn the relationship. Just go to your bedroom, grab a pillow, just like a heartbroken teenager, and just cry it out.

Not making fun of you; I’m serious. You need a new start, so take some time just to say goodbye to what you had that is now lost

I also believe that isolating yourself for a time can be a good thing. Give yourself anywhere from 3 weeks to 3 months to let all this get out of your system. Do something you enjoy at home, don’t go out on weekends.

You’ll need therapy. Chocolate, wine, and ice cream (in moderation, of course) are known to cure most any emotional ill, especially heartbreak.

Stay home for at least 3 weekends, and if you feel strong enough, consider going out and meeting new people. Always, even on the rebound, surround yourself with sympathetic friends and go out with them when you feel ready. Don’t hesitate to go out on dates with other men if the opportunity arises, but for a good 3 months avoid anything on a romantic level. Once the emotional turmoil is behind you and you really start healing, do what you feel like within reason.

I wish you the very best, whether any of this is helpful or not. And please keep us posted on how you’re doing.


Thank you so much for your advice. I suppose I just need to be patient with myself and give myself time. It just sucks! It's miserable but I keep trying to remind myself that "this too shall pass".



candleghost
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12 Oct 2017, 8:20 pm

sly279 wrote:
Your probably find a new guy in week to 3 months max. Some women find one within days.

Jealous passed with time but then I don’t have any contact or see any of the women I fell for. Never had more then a date with any. So i dont know how being together for years would effect how long it takes to get over them.


I don't know any women who find a new boyfriend within days after a six year relationship. That's not very helpful, either.

Sorry to hear that you don't have more than a date with any women you fell for.



candleghost
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12 Oct 2017, 8:24 pm

They made it official. He messaged me while I was at work and told me.

I'm glad he's happy, he really deserves it. I just wish this was easier. Blah.



AngelRho
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13 Oct 2017, 10:55 am

candleghost wrote:
They made it official. He messaged me while I was at work and told me.

I'm glad he's happy, he really deserves it. I just wish this was easier. Blah.

YUCK...

So, how did this happen? He broke up with you and eventually started seeing her? Or he left you to go to her? Dropping bad news over text or phone is just dirty.

I personally wouldn’t contact someone after a breakup. There’s just no such thing as a “nice guy” with that. You can be gentle, have one really good last date, and it’s over. But for a guy to try being “just friends” after—ugh...it doesn’t work, because it makes you feel like he’s dangling himself and a new lover right in front of you. The best thing you can do for yourself is ignore texts or just outright block him. I’m not saying you can NEVER be friends, it’s just doing that right NOW is counterproductive.

Give yourself some space. I feel sure this will pass a bit faster if you do.

Another possibility could be to try to steal him back. I once had a really good relationship with a girl but just wasn’t ready to settle. It was an INTENSE relationship. So we’d break up, get back together, break up... So if he’s keeping you on retainer so to speak, you might be able to get in his head enough that he seriously can’t stay away from you. Dirty trick? Maybe, but that’s love and war for you. Trying to do that might not be reasonable or realistic, so I tend to discourage people at your relationship level from doing that.

Besides, honestly, SIX YEARS... That’s 4 years too long, IMO. You have to make a move by that point, and you’re better off if you had no future together in the first place. Sounds to me he was stringing you along for the next (second-)best thing. Take some time, and then go find someone who truly deserves you and won’t keep you waiting for the next level.

You seem like exactly the kind of person I’d want to invite out for coffee. You certainly got MY attention, ;-). It’s just a matter of time before a great guy comes along for you.



candleghost
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15 Oct 2017, 6:14 pm

AngelRho wrote:
candleghost wrote:
They made it official. He messaged me while I was at work and told me.

I'm glad he's happy, he really deserves it. I just wish this was easier. Blah.

YUCK...

So, how did this happen? He broke up with you and eventually started seeing her? Or he left you to go to her? Dropping bad news over text or phone is just dirty.

I personally wouldn’t contact someone after a breakup. There’s just no such thing as a “nice guy” with that. You can be gentle, have one really good last date, and it’s over. But for a guy to try being “just friends” after—ugh...it doesn’t work, because it makes you feel like he’s dangling himself and a new lover right in front of you. The best thing you can do for yourself is ignore texts or just outright block him. I’m not saying you can NEVER be friends, it’s just doing that right NOW is counterproductive.

Give yourself some space. I feel sure this will pass a bit faster if you do.

Another possibility could be to try to steal him back. I once had a really good relationship with a girl but just wasn’t ready to settle. It was an INTENSE relationship. So we’d break up, get back together, break up... So if he’s keeping you on retainer so to speak, you might be able to get in his head enough that he seriously can’t stay away from you. Dirty trick? Maybe, but that’s love and war for you. Trying to do that might not be reasonable or realistic, so I tend to discourage people at your relationship level from doing that.

Besides, honestly, SIX YEARS... That’s 4 years too long, IMO. You have to make a move by that point, and you’re better off if you had no future together in the first place. Sounds to me he was stringing you along for the next (second-)best thing. Take some time, and then go find someone who truly deserves you and won’t keep you waiting for the next level.

You seem like exactly the kind of person I’d want to invite out for coffee. You certainly got MY attention, ;-). It’s just a matter of time before a great guy comes along for you.


I actually broke up with him because he was preoccupied with other things and I didn't feel like he loved me like he used to. Our relationship was similar to what you described -- very intense and we'd break up and get back together and break up and get back together and on and on. And to be honest, it was me breaking up with him because I was the one afraid to commit because of... well, I won't get into all of that. He was always very patient but he did say that every time I broke up with him, he took it very seriously (when it was usually my emotions driving the impulsive decision) and started loving me less each time. I don't know that he was stringing me along... it was just a very intense and tumultuous relationship. I was very not okay when we first met and he kind of took care of me but it wasn't healthy and we ended up in a very co-dependent situation. So... it's really for the best. It just sucks and I wish I could move on as easily as he is. I'm in a much better place to be in a relationship now so that's good.

I think you're right about us not talking for a while. I'm not the type to try and play mind games or manipulate him to get him back, especially since I know this is for the best right now. I actually deactivated Facebook and Messenger for now to avoid most stuff about them. Oh and it was totally okay that he told me on Messenger because that's how we communicated a lot of the time. It's actually sometimes easier for me that way, although my therapist is trying to urge me to have those conversations face to face.

Anyway, thank you again for your advice!



AngelRho
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16 Oct 2017, 6:46 am

Ah, so YOU are the evil, heartbreaking monster in this scenario! ;-)

There’s just no “good” way to break up with someone. Since you’re the one doing all the leaving, you have control over all the parameters of it.

It seems to me like you broke up in the past, but didn’t really BREAK UP. Took a break, maybe, but not really a breakup in any meaningful way. I’m guessing you’ve been more/less waiting on him to impose some kind of permanent condition, some sign that you’ve crossed the point of no return, and now that he’s officially with another girl, you have what you need to move forward. I get the impression maybe you were hoping to somehow get his attention and get back together again like before, and now you’re having to accept that there’s no going back.

Less than ideal, but encouraging in the sense that you have no choice but to move on. Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need.

Usually people who initiate a breakup have some sort of escape plan. The relationship is meaningless, so they can go right back to dating if they want. It’s tasteful and tactful to keep that under wraps for a few short weeks, but for them there’s no point in wasting time. In your case, I do think taking a break from men for the most part will do you some good. Stay low for the next 3 weeks and then go out and have some fun. Put relationships on the back burner, but don’t feel you have to keep anyone waiting. I bet you find someone fairly quickly.

In the meantime, here’s a virtual cheesecake and a latte to enjoy. This one’s on me. :)

Image



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17 Oct 2017, 6:15 pm

AngelRho wrote:
Ah, so YOU are the evil, heartbreaking monster in this scenario! ;-)

There’s just no “good” way to break up with someone. Since you’re the one doing all the leaving, you have control over all the parameters of it.

It seems to me like you broke up in the past, but didn’t really BREAK UP. Took a break, maybe, but not really a breakup in any meaningful way. I’m guessing you’ve been more/less waiting on him to impose some kind of permanent condition, some sign that you’ve crossed the point of no return, and now that he’s officially with another girl, you have what you need to move forward. I get the impression maybe you were hoping to somehow get his attention and get back together again like before, and now you’re having to accept that there’s no going back.

Less than ideal, but encouraging in the sense that you have no choice but to move on. Sometimes, that’s exactly what we need.

Usually people who initiate a breakup have some sort of escape plan. The relationship is meaningless, so they can go right back to dating if they want. It’s tasteful and tactful to keep that under wraps for a few short weeks, but for them there’s no point in wasting time. In your case, I do think taking a break from men for the most part will do you some good. Stay low for the next 3 weeks and then go out and have some fun. Put relationships on the back burner, but don’t feel you have to keep anyone waiting. I bet you find someone fairly quickly.

In the meantime, here’s a virtual cheesecake and a latte to enjoy. This one’s on me. :)

Image



Yes, I am. :oops:

You basically nailed it. I was unhappy for a long time but unable to fully let go. I'm finally learning a lesson that has probably been prolonged and it's necessary but sometimes I have trouble coping with emotions, especially pain.

I am the bad guy and I probably shouldn't even have posted anything. It's just that he's all I've known for the past six years and it's been intense and now I feel a bit at a loss.

Yeah, I'm not looking for another relationship at all right now.

Thank you again... you're very wise! And thank you very much for the virtual latte and cheesecake, hehe.



AngelRho
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17 Oct 2017, 9:33 pm

We’re glad you’re here, and please don’t feel bad for posting. That’s what we do here, and you are plenty welcome as far as I’m concerned.

I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. What I meant to say was there’s no way anybody ending a relationship can come out of it as the good guy. It just doesn’t work. I always advise the one leaving to set up one last date, make it a great day, and end the relationship somewhat like the way it started. It doesn’t make you any less the bad guy, it just means you’re closer to ending on good terms. I understand it doesn’t always work out that way. I think we all just do the best we can. It takes a special kind of heinous for me to get judgmental. If you were that way IRL, I don’t think you’d be capable of posting what you did.

Time to shift gears—I give way too much advice. If I may ask, how did you meet? What was your “history” together?



candleghost
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18 Oct 2017, 5:44 pm

AngelRho wrote:
We’re glad you’re here, and please don’t feel bad for posting. That’s what we do here, and you are plenty welcome as far as I’m concerned.

I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty. What I meant to say was there’s no way anybody ending a relationship can come out of it as the good guy. It just doesn’t work. I always advise the one leaving to set up one last date, make it a great day, and end the relationship somewhat like the way it started. It doesn’t make you any less the bad guy, it just means you’re closer to ending on good terms. I understand it doesn’t always work out that way. I think we all just do the best we can. It takes a special kind of heinous for me to get judgmental. If you were that way IRL, I don’t think you’d be capable of posting what you did.

Time to shift gears—I give way too much advice. If I may ask, how did you meet? What was your “history” together?


Seems like it's going to get a bit more personal so I shall PM you.



Trueno
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19 Oct 2017, 7:02 am

Sometimes it takes a lot of courage to break up with someone... doesn't mean that either of you is the bad guy.


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19 Oct 2017, 8:15 am

Living with regular breakups for six years is like living in hell, and so I really don't think there is any valid excuse for such a behavior. At least not if the one subjected to the breakups takes the relationship seriously.

If it was me, I might have tolerated one breakup if I loved the girl a lot, but a second one would have irreversibly damaged the relationship and would have sent her into the "I hate you guts" zone.



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19 Oct 2017, 9:21 am

Enough with the hate already. I’m not about justifying bad behavior. At all. But it’s worth giving anyone, and I mean EVERYONE an honest chance. People make mistakes. People do all sorts of things for reasons we don’t always know. We don’t know her problems, how things got here, but we do know he relationship is over. I think we can do a bit better than running someone down.

I’ve been in relationships too long, also. My most egregious sin was trying desperately to hang on to her in spite of us being bad for each other, and then instead of breaking up with her early on when things went bad, I proceeded to cheat on her off/on until we got engaged. And then I didn’t even break up with her until 6 weeks before our wedding.

Nothing can make what I did right.

But neither can anything erase the horrible experiences I had with an abusive partner that had a small part in messing me up to the point I’d be a jerk to someone. Doesn’t matter if she deserved what I did or if I deserved what she did. It’s a complicated issue and it’s STILL unpleasant.

So instead of tearing someone down, let’s rather be sad that someone is hurt, happy that she’s out of a long, relationship that never had a future, and encouraging so she can heal from this quickly and move on. Her experience has been punishment enough. Let’s move on, please.