Help, my husband is Aspie phobic

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He fears that with this new label, he may have to re-frame everything he believed about you and his relationship with you, even though you are still the same person you were before the moment you realized you may fit this label.

But when people feel like they must re-think and re-frame everything they thought they knew, based on new information, it's scary. He's resisting that, it's too much for him right now, so he fights back with unsupportive s**t like "it's just an excuse" -- that's a grand old chestnut, unfortunately.

Yeah but relationships should NOT be about accepting someone's invalidation of you.

If "accepting that line of thinking" means making excuses for your husband's refusal to understand you, that's BULL s**t.

Its as if you could not distinquish colors. And most folks that you were just being lazy. But then a doctor discovered that you were colorblind. But your husband preferred to think of you as lazy, and not as colorblind. So why does he have the preference in thinking?

IMO/E, people like in the OP always seem to be, one (or more) of the following:

-- A family member is overwhelmed by their relative's diagnosis, and doesn't know how to sort-it-out / understand it, and so-forth.

-- The person doesn't want to accept that someone else has a reason / explanation for their "weirdness", because they've never been able to figure-out a reason / explanation, for their own----and/or, they're, like, "jealous" that they don't have a reason / explanation, for their own.

-- A family member doesn't want to accept that a relative has a "problem", because they're afraid it will reflect, poorly, on themselves----like, that other people will think less of THEM, or something; sort-of like "guilt by association".

I've also gotten the idea, that the husband in the OP might be feeling a bit of a bruise to his ego, because the OP is always learning / pointing-out things to him, that he doesn't know, and maybe that makes him feel intimidated or insecure, or something.

I'm so sorry you're having to go-through this, OP----and, rest-assured that ALOT of us have had to deal with our family members not accepting our diagnoses----but, you're not TOTALLY alone; and, here's to hoping that you can ask him, straight-up, why he's being so resistant, and that he'll be able to tell you, and that y'all will be able to work-it-out.

Pieplup, I was responding to Ragnahawk's comment because I disagreed with that, not with anything you said.

I think your husband sees you as you than a label but to some people labels are important and want to be seen as such. But on the other hand it's bad because that is all people see so they associate anything you do or what you believe in to being autistic and that gets annoying because you then feel you are no longer you and you have become a label than someone and they also lower their expectations of you. Another possibility is he doesn't want you to self diagnose and use it to define you and doesn't want you to get it confirmed fearing you will use it as an excuse or having to lower his expectations and change how he feels about you and sees you.

In general, people expect everyone to get better, if you have a disorder, you are expected to get better and try harder and not go backwards having everyone around you suffer. Maybe that is what he fears, he fears you will get worse and try and be Asperger's than staying you he always knew. Sadly some people do use Asperger's to quit trying and they get worse and use it as an excuse to be an ass and avoid responsibility and caring about others and I have seen it. I was even harassed online by one of them who was self diagnosed and turned into a creep and a jerk and a narcissist and used Asperger's for it. I know not all self diagnosers do this but this is why they have a bad name and some diagnosed do this too but it's stereotyped that self diagnosers do it which is why they have a bad name and get called Tumblerina. When someone won't get treatment for their disorder, people tend to look down on them and see it as them using it as an excuse. My ex was a schizophrenic and I look at it as he was not capable of getting help because part of his illness was he thought he was normal and had nothing wrong with him and it was other people with the problem. My mom still views that as him being an as*hole and selfish because he expects others to just suffer around him but I don't think he was using it as a excuse, he really thought he was normal and thought everyone was the problem around him. Was it denial? My mom thinks it was but I don't think it is if he didn't know. I read lot of schizophrenics don't even know they are sick so they may refuse treatment. Not the same as being autistic I know but even some think there is nothing wrong with them and think it's other with the problem. That behavior gets looked down on. I think it's due to lack of self awareness so they don't realize how bad their issue is, not that they are using it as an excuse. People can't get better if they are not aware of their problems. Maybe your husband fears you won't try and get better after finding out about the diagnoses and just give up. Even if you won't be as good at things as NTs, he probably has a hard time accepting you will never be that good and thinks you will just give up after getting the diagnoses or putting the label on yourself.