What do you do when you only want friends 'sometimes' ..

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Uhura
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14 Oct 2017, 2:27 pm

I want friends sometimes. Other times I want to be alone and not talking to anyone. I just want someone available to talk to if something is wrong, if I am upset or even if something good happens that I want to share.


I need to be alone. I need quiet time. But occasionally want to do something with a friend. Most people who are friends can't understand my need of the excessive quiet time. So we do something and then I need time alone. And often I need so much time alone that they think I don't want to be friends anymore. Or we plan something and in that week something happens that over-stimulates me so much I need to cancel or shorten our plan.

So it looks like I am canceling plans a lot because of not wanting to be friends when that isn't the reason.

Also often I am fine and don't want friends. Then for a while I feel like I want a few that I can talk to if I need to, that will talk to me if they need to, and that we can do quiet things together. That is what I mean in the subject line of this.

But if they do need something they tell me through coming to my apartment unexpectedly or an unexpected phone call and I don't do well with those.



Fireblossom
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15 Oct 2017, 10:06 am

So to put it short, you need friends that respect your need for alone time. Try to explain to them that you need that time alone in order to function properly just like you need sleep or food. It's fine if they don't understand it as long as they accept it. Even if they don't understand why you need the time alone as long as they don't get mad about it I'd say you're in a good situation.

When it comes to canceling plans, I think you should tell them about that, too. That sometimes something unexpected that stresses you a lot happens and you don't have the energy to be with them. Tell them that it's not because you don't want to be with them but because you can't. Compare it to being sick; people rarely want to hang out with someone who has a massive headache since that person wouldn't be able to concentrate or do anything the way they normally would. They might not get it, but if they're really your friends, they'll accept it.

You can tell them not to come to your place without making a deal with you about it beforehand. Tell them that them doing that stresses you. If you can put what exactly it is about that that makes you uncomfortable then tell them that, too. As for unexpected phonecalls... personally I think that if you want to have friends you'll just have to learn to deal with that. They can't know when it's okay to call you and if you made a deal that you'll be the one to do the calling when you feel like you want to hang out/talk/or something then it might feel onesided and they could feel that you're only using them. If they call with a bad timing that makes you uncomfortable then try to tolerate it. If the timing is really bad then tell them so and ask if you could call back in a few hours or the next day.



Luna035
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22 Oct 2017, 7:40 am

Uhura wrote:
I want friends sometimes. Other times I want to be alone and not talking to anyone. I just want someone available to talk to if something is wrong, if I am upset or even if something good happens that I want to share.


I need to be alone. I need quiet time. But occasionally want to do something with a friend. Most people who are friends can't understand my need of the excessive quiet time. So we do something and then I need time alone. And often I need so much time alone that they think I don't want to be friends anymore. Or we plan something and in that week something happens that over-stimulates me so much I need to cancel or shorten our plan.

So it looks like I am canceling plans a lot because of not wanting to be friends when that isn't the reason.

Also often I am fine and don't want friends. Then for a while I feel like I want a few that I can talk to if I need to, that will talk to me if they need to, and that we can do quiet things together. That is what I mean in the subject line of this.

But if they do need something they tell me through coming to my apartment unexpectedly or an unexpected phone call and I don't do well with those.


I think that autistic people should accept that they are autistic and that means accepting the Fact that we cannot imitate neurotypical communication styles. I believe NTs could be acquaintances, the most, with rare exceptions. Make friends with other autistic people through websites or meet up/support groups. NTs will never understand, relate to or empathize with autistic people. Autistic people should stop feeling sad about not being able to imitate the communication style of NTs and recognize that the NT people are too ignorant and prejudice to empathize with autistic people. :heart:



Uhura
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09 Nov 2017, 11:29 pm

The hard thing is that because I work part time, I can't avoid NT bosses and supervisors. And there is nothing to do to make them and co-workers understand.
Thanks to everyone for your replies.



AardvarkGoodSwimmer
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17 Nov 2017, 1:56 pm

As one example, what if you tell a new friend:

"I'm kind of a weird, artistic person. I do like people. I also need a just a ton of alone time."

Notice that I'm saying artistic, rather than autistic. As you get to know someone that can come later. What I have in mind is being honest and disclosing through a series of medium steps.



Trogluddite
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17 Nov 2017, 2:06 pm

The thing I always stress with friends is that just because I often say "no" when I'm invited out, it doesn't mean that I will always say "no". I find that NT friends will nearly always read a value judgement into even the most simple, factual statements. If you say "no" a few times in a row without explaining exactly why, they are likely to assume that you don't even want to be asked, or worse still, that you have fallen out with them but are too shy or embarrassed to say so.


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the_phoenix
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17 Nov 2017, 2:53 pm

Fireblossom wrote:
As for unexpected phonecalls... personally I think that if you want to have friends you'll just have to learn to deal with that. They can't know when it's okay to call you and if you made a deal that you'll be the one to do the calling when you feel like you want to hang out/talk/or something then it might feel onesided and they could feel that you're only using them.


Exactly.

I've learned that people who only call me when they want something from me are not real friends.

In a real friendship, both people care about each other.