IMHO the weirdest side of being on the ASD spectrum.

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The weirdest side of being on the ASD spectrum, is that our "cure" resides in people around us, that is, in being accepted by others.

I know that saying this out loud sounds as self-pity. But, what is acceptance about? Isn't it about tolerating and supporting each individual?

Are we sick, or is it a matter of simply being respected with all our individualities? Sometimes I think we reflect those sick modern days where being ourselves is "weird".

For me, "weird" is to preach tolerance while laughing and avoiding what people don't want to get along with, or even understand.

Our cure is in others. But that's simply my opinion, nothing else.

I think there's truth to it. We do better in an environment better tailored to what works best for us. To be fair, though, that isn't limited to just us.

I certainly wouldn't label it as a cure though as we still have a disorder.

I'd love to be able to socially interact the way others do, but that's unlikely to happen. That gets frustrating since there is no physical barrier to that happening.

@franklin.jr: I agree totally about the "cure". Except that I don't see any self-pity in your words. Isolation is painful, and even more so when not chosen.

I really don't think we are "sick" - we're wired differently. We process information differently. We have a tremendous amount to offer, precisely because of these differences! I was lucky enough to be accepted as an amiable eccentric for more than a decade when I was much younger. I'm certain that the resilience I have now - such as it is - came from that acceptance. I know I'm OK, worthwhile, etc. because of it.

As far as the preach vs. practice dichotomy - preaching tolerance, while practicing its opposite - on my last job before retiring, I worked with people who loved the imaginary characters and situations in Big Bang Theory, while treating a real Aspie person at their job site, me, like sewage every day. When it's imaginary, your relationship to it is completely one-sided; you can turn it on or off anytime; you can think well of yourself for liking it, without having to expend any actual effort on its behalf.

Be careful, there are members here who will tell you "the world can't cater to your needs all the time." But I know that's not what you are saying. Just a little bit of helping us out, by those immediately around us, can go a long way to the difference between anxiety and coping, sensory issues and relative comfort that helps us get on with our day.

There are myriad small accommodations that actually don't take a huge chunk of skin off anyone else's back, to use the figurative saying, but which would help us be okay instead of challenged to cope.

One small example is when I shared with a friend of mine that I find huge difficulty in being able to carry on a conversation while music is playing. After putting up silently with everything my whole life, then having meltdowns and shutdown's later behind closed doors by myself, I was only trying to begin to introduce SOME small requests into my daily life, among friends.

Well, that went well . . . not only does he not even take it seriously, but he also thought it was highly amusing to then taunt and tease me with loud music whenever I was trying to converse with him. And when he wanted to end the conversation he turned the music up deliberately. He has a pattern of thinking that little passive aggressive things like that are highly amusing, or that they work on anyone.

So that's what I'm dealing with. Just making the smallest request, easy to fulfill, which makes the difference between me having my brain fry or me getting to have an enjoyable conversation for once, seems like too much to ask the world.

I wouldn't; I'm happy with myself as I am and can't imagine being NT. It's the fact that our society is set up to reward people completely unlike me that I'd like to change. Of course, that's unlikely to happen, since 99% of people are satisfied with things as they are. A little consideration and accommodation would be nice, though; we make a big effort to create a livable environment for people in wheelchairs, blind people, etc., but nothing for those with different mental wiring.

This is something that I have believed for a long time. What you appear to be talking about is the difference between the "social" model of disability versus the "medical" model of disability which predominates. The worlds of "treatment" and "rehabilitation" are based around the idea of fixing a person.

This issue is especially acute for people with ASD and similar conditions because there often isn't anything obvious that can be *fixed* in a meaningful sense. I have worked on "social skills" for years - practiced making eye contact, judging proximity, trying to figure out how often to nod, etc., but people can still tell that there is something slightly "off" about me, and the result is complete rejection - somewhat like the Uncanny Valley problem in robotics. If I seek feedback on where I am still lacking, I get vague information, if any at all - exhortations to "keep practicing social skills" and things like that that are not actionable in a meaningful sense.

By contrast, with many other conditions, there seem to be more avenues of actually "fixing" something to the extent that a person could function better - e.g. someone with Dyslexia can receive the latest best practices in reading education to improve their literacy level sufficiently to function independently in society, a person with epilepsy can take seizure medications, and someone with a missing leg can receive a prosthetic that enables them to walk where it is that they want to go.

It's even worse with vocational rehabilitation and similar services - the model is based around on giving the participant what it is that is keeping them back - e.g. literacy education, a prosthetic, training in spacial awareness, color-coded labels to put on things to accommodate for illiteracy, etc. If there is no specific intervention to "fix" someone, what can be done but to change the perception of others?

I also believe that "social skills" are often used as a cop-out or excuse to reject people. "Social skills" can mean anything anyone wants nowadays, anywhere from basic truisms about living in society (e.g. "Don't start a political debate during a church service."), formal rules of etiquette (e.g. which side of the plate a fork goes on during a formal dinner) to sales/persuasion skills. That last one is very broad. If I was an African-American living in Alabama in the 1950's, would it be fair to tell me that I can sit at the front of the bus as soon as I sufficiently master social skills to convince others to allow me to do so? That might be true in a strict sense, but it masks the fact that the *real* problem is prejudice and acceptance and that a *double standard* exists. It is one thing to require that members of society master a standardized body of social skills. It is another thing completely to require that certain "disliked" members of society become renowned experts just to survive while others are allowed to float by with barely passing scores.

Oh dear. I hope my directness won't offend you - but I see your friend's behavior towards you in this context as, frankly, abusive (edit in: severely lacking in empathy!). To be told something disturbs you and to respond by bombarding you with the disturbing stimulus? As if this is amusing? Oh dear. There really are people who won't do that, who can accept and honor a boundary. I admit, there seem to be more who can't, sometimes, in some places. Not telling you what to do or think about it, just oh dear, I'm sorry that's what you got when you opened up to a friend and asked for kindness.

maybe acceptance serves a necessary function, but acceptance alone ain't sufficient

NTs could us more education about AS

acceptance won't reduce sensory issues

This sounds like narcissistic/sociopathic behavior. Someone else above wrote abuse. It is absolutely psychological abuse for someone to know your vulnerabilities and purposefully violate them. I'm living with one of these now and having a really hard time figuring out how to get away. If this person is deriving power from treating you like this, it will likely escalate.

Regular NTs might not understand the depth that we sense things and be ignorantly irritating to us, but I've had success telling others my boundaries and having them respected. Accepted and understood by all, maybe not so much, but allowed to peacefully co-exist.

my son was diagnosed with ASD and he says some of his clothes are scratchy (but it's not), he doesn't eat meat that much (i rely on milk to provide him protein) and he rarely looks at the camera when we take a pic. are these normal? he is also fixated on this iron man toys and won't play if it's not from the avengers.

Yes; all normal experiences for someone on the spectrum. If his clothes feel scratchy to him, they probably are. If he can find something softer, he'll be a lot more comfortable.

He is more than likely uncomfortable with the clothing he is wearing. I am very very sensitive to clothing. Some things I try on do not stay comfortable over time or after washing. I think that is common among aspies. Please take him at his word. It can be frustrating for you but he is not saying this to annoy you nor as a power struggle. Be flexible, even if his preferences change or confuse you, and you may find many other issues become lessened.

Cheese, beans, quinoa and many other foods can provide protein.

The weirdest side of being on the spectrum is also the most cruel. You are a non-person who is to be ignored, marginalized, defamed, and cruelly be put to death, at any and all costs.

No offense taken at all, Esmerelda, in fact I agree with you, and with starcats too. I do think my friend -- so-called friend! -- is a jerk for this kind of stuff. I think he has a very real problem in even acknowledging that milder autism even exists. He's one of those people who believe all the hackneyed ideas about anyone with anything other than severe autism: the "aspie" autist is just an NT who is: spoiled, a jerk, being precious, imagining things, being princessy, being picky/fussy, etc etc etc.

Sadly there are so many members of the general public who, if they've even heard of high-functioning autism at all, dismiss the people at that end of the spectrum as the above laundry-list of negative things. Sadly it's not the only issue with this friend. He doesn't take much seriously in life in general.

I do wish I had some friends who were the whole opposite way and who respected my sharing of a small need.

It's ironic that we are the ones who are supposed to lack empathy and theory of mind, lack ability to realize someone else might be experiencing something differently -- yet this guy is an NT who totally lacks empathy or ability to imagine that maybe to me the music is messing with my head.

Seconding all of the above - not being believed about one's own discomfort can leave marks that last for a lifetime -

Thank you, so much, for your reply. I've also found much less empathy and kindness in the purportedly NT community than I'd expect, especially in the past 20 years.

On the irony that you point out, I don't have a good way to phrase it, but it has always struck me as peculiar (and very frustrating) that situations like ours are described, constrained, evaluated, etc. by people who are, generally, outside these situations and have no internal understanding of them.

Even more frustrating, these outside observers, generally, seem to fail to understand that the perspective of We The Labeled And Defined should be considered, in depth, when drawing conclusions. "Privilege" somewhat captures this, but not completely. I really think it's a group dynamic problem.

An analogy may help - I am a Pratchett junkie, and in some of his books he describes geographical features being "discovered" in a certain year, with a cutting aside that, of course, the indigenous people living in/on/among said features had "discovered" and named them long, long before, but *they* didn't count.

It's not just psychology or geography. When I was little I was appalled to read biologists stating dogmatically that *only* cats purr (nope. Raccoons do too, who knows who else might?) and *only* horses use the flehmen response to augment scents (open mouth, lift upper lip, breathe through mouth. Nope. Seen cats do it too, lots). I was maybe ten, and I realized this meant that I knew more than they did, and yikes.

Anyway, the point of this wasn't the above discursions, it is to offer additional validation and such comfort as the Net provides - which can be a lot, actually. Edit in: I hope you find some kind folks in realspace.