Handling criticism

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Hi everyone,
a couple of weeks ago I made a post because I suspected my boyfriend has ASD. Since then I'm pretty sure about this and there's one issue I don't really know how to handle, so would love some advice/insights. We are pretty good at communicating lately, I'm being more understanding, giving him space when I feel he needs it etc.
There's just one thing I can't really seem to do right/understand.
When I tell him about something he says/does that bothers me or even makes me feel sad, he shuts down completely, tells me he doesn't want to talk anymore, starts saying what a bad person he is, that he'll never bother me again, that he deserves to be alone, sometimes he starts crying,.. Stuff like this. No matter how I react to this, it never seems to be right. When I decide to stop talking (cause he says he doesn't want to), he'll spam me with more messages about how bad or ret*d he is. When I decide to answer and tell him for example that he's not bad, try to comfort him,.. He'll just be short with me, saying he knows himself better than I do,.. and stops talking eventually. This bad mood he's in can last from a couple of hours to a couple of days depending on the subject I brought up.

How do I deal with this? It's frustrating because I can never tell him about things that upset me , or should I try to tell him in a different way?

Does anyone else here has a problem with handling criticism?

I hate getting criticism, but I don't behave like your boyfriend. I used to go into mighty sulks... but that was 40 years ago and I decided it was a bit pathetic. It sounds to me like controlling behaviour, regardless of whether he is AS or not.
My opinion... it would be better if he was someone else's problem and you deserve a happy life. I don't believe you will change him. Sorry if that isn't what you wanted to hear.

I don't have a problem handling criticism, but I have a problem handling other people's negative emotions. I don't know whether that's relevant. I tend to shut down and mentally withdraw because I don't know how to process it. He may also be panicking due to fear of abandonment. He may have difficulty modulating his emotions, so he has not mental energy left for dealing with the actual problem.

Rather than telling him how you feel or commenting on his behavior, have you tried simply asking him to do whatever it is you want him to do differently?

For example, pretend he talks too much. Instead of saying "you talk too much" (criticism) or "I feel bad because you don't listen/seem interested in me" (reporting your feelings), simply say something like "please talk a little less." It might be even better if you can give exact directions about how much to talk (for example, "don't say more than 10 sentences in a row" or "don't talk for more than 30 seconds without a break"). Very explicit directions really work for some autistic people.

But he still needs to deal with his inability to respond to your complaints. Sometimes ultimatums or radically changing the way you approach people (such as in person vs. via email, gently vs. more harshly) snaps them out of their habitual reactions and gets them to listen.

I can kinda handle criticism.

-LegoMaster2149 (Written on October 16, 2017)

Thanks for the feedback!

What made me post this question is this: at the beginning of this week I bought on online game for my bf because he was talking about wanting to play it for some time and I wanted to surprise him. He was super happy with it and talked about it the whole time, which charactars he was going to play, tutorials he had been watching, even made a list of all the 36 characters in order of how much he liked them to show me. xD Appearently some characters are locked and you need to pay to get them, and yesterday he asked if I would consider buying this also.. It felt to me a bit ungrateful because I already spent a lot of money on the game and the extra's would cost me double + I don't like him asking me for financial favours. So I told him I didn't like what he was asking me to do and within seconds his mood changed from super happy to wanting to be alone forever, not talking, telling me he would never disturb me ever again, changing our messenger emoji back to standard,.. And still now after 24h he's not in a much better mood.

So I don't know how to talk to him now, because whatever I say it's never right.. so I was wondering if any of you are in some sort of bad mood like this, what would make you feel better?

The sudden mood change and extreme comments sound more serious than a bad mood.

That sort of reaction may/may not be related to ASD. It is a common reaction one has when they have depression, such as Dysthymia (which I also have).

It is really something that benefits most by seeing a professional about it. There is absolutely nothing wrong or reason to feel bad about in seeking help.

While seeing a sustained improvement in mood can take a while, I've found in the past the seeing the right person definitely helps. They'll list off several symptoms and it's like "yeah, yeah, that too, wow this person gets me". Granted it can many times before a difficult and sometimes feel utterly discouraging but even slight improvements are welcome.

There is much support via the internet with people who understand the same things. If you can't get him to see someone, at least encourage to start there.

/End babble

I used to be very bad at taking criticism, but I've learned to take it better in recent years. I'd give you advice if I could, but that sadly isn't the case.

Aspies are more prone to black and white thinking like this. Not that all aspies are this depressed and severe in their black and white thinking. I’m saying when Aspies are depressed, it’s likely going to express itself this way. There’s a whole article on this I’ve read on the musingsofanaspie blog if you want to learn more about it. https://musingsofanaspie.com/2013/08/16 ... ing-sucks/

The goal here is to make his thinking more balanced. It’s likely that his way of dealing with his insecurity of 100% bad is trying to force a 100% good thinking in his head which is so far off that it’s impossible to believe. It’s best to argue for both sides of the argument of what his beliefs about himself and others that is hurting him.

For example. . .

“My girlfriend critcized me so I must be a burden.”

Why do you think so?

“Because I’m being so emotional and weak. And no girl likes that.”

What can you think against that?

“She still is willing to stay with me when I’m like this and I’m trying my best.”

What’s a more balanced thought?

“I’m pretty depressed and insecure now but that doesn’t mean there are people who would stay by me. And it doesn’t mean that I’m not trying at all.”

It’s called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Better to find a therapist but you can find exercises on it online. If he doesn’t want a therapist, it might be a good idea to suggest he work through the worksheets you can find online. Back when I was depressed, it was easier to ask for help when I’ve settled things more with myself. Your boyfriend can be different though.

You can also try sandwhicing a critcism with a compliment before and after it. It makes it easier to take.

It’s great that you’re doing a lot in helping him out. Just remember to take care of yourself too, alright?

Good luck.

I'm sorry you've been struggling with that. It seems your boyfriend is heavily depressed and may need to seek some therapy or counselling. The things that he says are either A. a cry for help or B. a means of controlling and guilt tripping you. I'm embarrassed to admit that handling criticism has never been my strong point, but I would never react the way in which he did.