Existential dread.

Post Reply New Topic

Why do I feel like I always need some degree of drama in my life to interact with the world around me? What will it take for me to feel comfortable in my own skin? Why do I feel like I need to sperg out and lay everything out for the world to see?

I do not want to be a slow motion trainwreck. Not after all the effort I put into moving in different directions than that.

I guess any kind of attention works for me, be it positive or negative. That kind of living is familiar, but also extremely uncomfortable.

There is a lot of work that needs to be done if I want this to end. I need to stop medicating with beer and weed. I need to face whatever the f**k it is I am avoiding.

I have improved in that now I keep my apartment clean and orderly, and I have been staying consistent with healthier eating and physical activity.

But I am going to need some deep metamorphosis to get out of this routine of sticking with familiar mental patterns.

How do you act with people when you're not online?

I have a handful of very close friends who hang with me a couple of times a month. For the most part, I avoid IRL interaction with others. I have a speech impediment that stands out.

I will also state that I go to SAA meetings and am working the steps with a sponsor. But my online behavior can get ridiculous very quickly. I do not verbalize very well, so all of my spergy outbursts exist only on the Internet.