People in relationships don't understand

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hurtloam
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19 Oct 2017, 3:35 pm

Just been talking to a married friend who just doesn't get it. She's telling me I should value my freedom. And I do. I really do.

But she has loads of friends in her little group of married people who go on holidays together and go to shows and do this and that.

She just doesn't understand what it's like to live on your own and be isolated. To have no one bother to invite you anywhere. To be ignored because you're in your 30s, but designated an outsider.

This designation isn't malicious I don't think. I reckon paired up people in their 30s imagine we still have the kind of single lives they used to have with friends and going out places and just don't think we're lonely. But all those other people got into relationships too and there's no one left to pal about with or go on holiday with.

I want friends more than I want a relationship.



hale_bopp
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19 Oct 2017, 4:34 pm

It’s probably because when they were single, they weren’t isolated. Other people will never get an aspies social struggles with forming and keeping friendships unfortunately. Sorry you feel that way. Sometimes I would like the unconditional support a partner would offer, but fortunately for me, it’s rarely.



Nist498
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19 Oct 2017, 10:22 pm

It's the whole "grass is greener on the other side" mentality. Being isolated does suck big time but those people with families aren't really thinking about that. They're focused on the idea that they have to work hard to maintain all of those relationships and at some point it becomes busy work to them. To them not having to deal with all that would be considered a vacation.

The problem of course is that it's not a vacation for people like us, it's a forced state that we are constantly trying to overcome one way or another.


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Aspie1
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19 Oct 2017, 11:02 pm

hurtloam wrote:
Just been talking to a married friend who just doesn't get it. She's telling me I should value my freedom. And I do. I really do.

Your friend is right. I know people who are in relationships living together, and seeing them makes me glad to be single. Those couples are glued to each other 24/7/365, other than work. I'm surprised they didn't get jobs in the same company. And the way they act in groups of couples, it looks like cheaply produced amateur theatre. Every time I hang out with them as the 5th or 7th wheel, I have to chug whiskey straight from the bottle after I get home. (Being a 3rd wheel, on the other hand, is more tolerable.)



hurtloam
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20 Oct 2017, 12:02 am

Yeah I think they feel like I'm living a permanent vacation.



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20 Oct 2017, 3:58 am

I’m not sure I quite understand what you mean, but I think that your friend means the requirement for her to both compromise with her own husband and the other people in her group, and her feelings of obligation i.e. where she might feel that she ‘has to’ go on a particular trip, even if she doesn’t want to and she has to make a compromise about where to go, what to do and who to go with.

Obviously, I don’t think that it is those particular trips that you want to be involved with (after all, I imagine that there would be a lot of comparison and complaining going on: “husband x always leaves the toilet seat up” and “Husband y said he stopped smoking, but I can still smell it on him”. Trouble in paradise?

Anyway, I think you’re probably right about their possible designation of you as the single, party girl, and I think that this means, as you have considered, that you need to widen your circle of friends to include other single people. Of course, if you’re like me, then this is the difficult part; where do you look for like-minded people? I’m not sure, so I’ll ask you:

What would you say to me if I said I wanted to meet other people?



hale_bopp
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20 Oct 2017, 4:00 am

Boourns has arrived, anyone with that name must be a laugh and a half :lol: :lol: :lol:



magz
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20 Oct 2017, 4:11 am

I know, I'm the one who "doesn't understand" but I think I do...
Like leaving my kids for a few days at my mom's is something totally different than being childless.
It's like a difference between being on vacation and being unemployed. Yeah, in both cases you don't need to go to work.


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hurtloam
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20 Oct 2017, 5:48 am

I'm just frustrated that I've lost a friend to the married people clique. I don't even think her marriage is a happy one, but she doesn't ever arrange to spend time with me.

I'm frustrated that I have to travel further afield to meet up with single friends when people I've known for years and who live in my town can't be bothered with me.



hurtloam
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20 Oct 2017, 5:53 am

I am making an effort to be friendly with new people. I'm having folks over tomorrow night. Mostly single people.



hurtloam
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20 Oct 2017, 5:53 am

magz wrote:
I know, I'm the one who "doesn't understand" but I think I do...
Like leaving my kids for a few days at my mom's is something totally different than being childless.
It's like a difference between being on vacation and being unemployed. Yeah, in both cases you don't need to go to work.


Yes



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20 Oct 2017, 6:16 am

Reminds me of a time about 7 years ago when my (only friend at the time) friend got a girlfriend. Once that happened, he literally had no time for me anymore like I had the plague. He would point out that he has other single friends but never understood the fact they had a full social life.

I am glad to finally be married as hard as it was but I have learned to accept I just can't make friends. I am loyal, caring and helpful but apparently nobody likes those qualities.



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20 Oct 2017, 6:34 am

hurtloam wrote:
I am making an effort to be friendly with new people. I'm having folks over tomorrow night. Mostly single people.

You are going to try to withdraw halfway in and people are going to s**t on you for it. Also your going to feel like an idiot because you brought all these people over and you have no idea how to talk to them.

You will probably increase your social endurance or learn some strategies from this event.

Here is my suggestion. Prepare social traps. Get board games, drinks etc. Make sure you leave on a television. If you can cook, try cooking while they are over. It's an excuse, it will pass time and probably will help you regain a little bit of ground.

You probably don't want any of the people you just invited over for a relationship. Typically it's better to go one on one when socializing with all a spur. Ever. Also your choice in friends.... You just invited a bunch of people that are social.... They will have expectations of you based on this event and based on how you selected them. You invited a whole bunch of people. That doesn't mean anything to a friend. You only conformed. Good friends are picked individually.

If you want a male to date I posted in a thread. Just don't bite my head off lol. I'm not into preying mantis relationships.


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hurtloam
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20 Oct 2017, 8:11 am

Don't worry. One person is a good friend I've known for 10 years so I'm not throwing myself in the deep end. She's also good at filling lulls in conversation.

Board games are very good for getting people to come out of their shell a bit. I find once the game is over everyone is so much more relaxed and talking freely.

Yes one guy is a romantic interest, but he's so shy and has been hurt before so I think it's best to get to know each other with a buffer of other people first and if we still like each other go on a date after that. We'll see how it goes.

You can learn about a person the way they interact in a group to a certain extent. There's only 8 people coming over so no one should feel lost or left our of conversation.



The_Face_of_Boo
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20 Oct 2017, 9:41 am

If you are able to invite 8 people to come over on a home saturday night then it means you are doing fine socially way more than you think- and I doubt you knew these 8 people overnight so that only means you are a part of an active social circle/community.

Some of us here may not have done so in decades, if not for the whole lifetime.
I don't even remember the last time I had that many visitors coming over for me.



Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 20 Oct 2017, 9:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

BTDT
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20 Oct 2017, 9:49 am

hurtloam wrote:
I'm just frustrated that I've lost a friend to the married people clique. I don't even think her marriage is a happy one, but she doesn't ever arrange to spend time with me.


Having been married I can say that it can be quite time consuming. For instance, I didn't really want to listen to her b***h about her boss for an over an hour for days on end, but I didn't know what else to do.